Page 113 of We Used To Be Magic

‘Of course not,’ he says dryly. ‘You were so stable and normal when you came over to my place. Why would I worry?’

Shit. He’s right, of course, and I didn’t even apologise when I saw him again today – he made some prodigal son crack before I could even say hi and then we were knees-deep into the dinner rush, so I assumed that everything was fine. I’d also figured that being one of Mac’s many,manyfriends, my absence wouldn’t be too jarring.

‘I’m sorry,’ I say – with actual sincerity this time. ‘I didn’t realise.’

‘Honestly, it made me wonder if you think I’m just this grifter who uses you for shit,’ he continues, turning to face me. ‘Like – I thought that we were friends –actualfriends, not work friends. But then you have anactualcrisis and you shut me out?’

‘I shut everyone out,’ I tell him. ‘And it was stupid, and selfish, but it wasn’t personal – you’re agreatfriend, Mac. I don’t take it for granted that you even want to hang out with me, let alone …’ I trail off, struck by an errant thought. An idea. A good one, maybe.

‘Care?’ Mac finally prompts.

‘Yeah,’ I say. ‘Also – would you want to live together?’

He stares at me, expression blank. Then: ‘You’ll have to buy me a ring first.’

‘I’m serious,’ I say. ‘You hate your flatmates. I hate living alone. We’ve got the whole mutual caring thing going on – what more do we need?’

‘A second bedroom?’

‘We can find somewhere new, right? It might take a while …’

‘Are you being for real? Anywhere I could afford would be a hole compared to your current set-up.’

‘It’s not so great. I think the ceilings are too high. And don’t even get me started on all the natural light.’

‘Have you forgotten we were in the middle of a conversation about what a flake you are?’

‘I know. And I am,’ I concede. ‘But I’m trying to do better. To own my shit, you know?’

‘Which is great, like – hand on heart, I fully support that,’ Mac says seriously. ‘But I don’t want to get fucked over by it.’

‘Let me do the legwork, then. I’ll start looking into places – let you know if I find anything, yeah?’

Full disclosure – I’m well aware that finding an affordable, non-disgusting two-bedroom apartment to rent in this city is about as likely as finding a unicorn in Central Park. I also know that I won’t be able to do it without a significant financial contribution from my dad, but maybe we can work out a loan system, or he knows someone looking to sublet. In any case, I’dlike to be marginally less passive in my reliance on him. Baby steps and all that.

‘Fine,’ Mac says after a pause. ‘It’s not an entirely awful idea, so I amtentativelycondoning this.’

‘Great.’ I smile, getting to my feet and grabbing my backpack. ‘We can talk about it more tomorrow – I’m heading out.’

‘Where to?’

‘Audrey’s apartment,’ I admit. ‘I mean – if she actually doesn’t want to see me then she can just tell me to fuck off, right?’

‘Sure,’ Mac says after a beat. ‘But she’s not at her apartment.’

‘She – how do you know that?’

‘Because she’s at the party that I’m going to tonight,’ he says matter-of-factly, tousling his already-tousled hair. ‘And Iguessthat you could come with me on the off-chance that she does actually want to see you.But!I’m going to make you wait outside until she confirms as much, seeing as Istilldon’t know what actually went down.’

‘Fine,’ I say quickly. ‘Great. Let’s go.’

‘You’re not going to change?’

‘Nah, fuck it. Let’s just go.’

Mac rolls his eyes but concedes – I’m actively resisting the urge to jog on the spot while he gets his stuff together, holding us up to fuss with his hair some more. When we’re finally outside I insist on a cab even though the address is less than a dozen blocks away – I can’t shake this crazy sense of urgency, of momentum, even though I have no idea what’s going to happen, or what I’m going to say to her. If she even wants to see me, that is.

‘Cool it,’ Mac says, placing a firm hand on my knee. I’ve been bobbing it absently ever since we got stuck in a tangle of traffic – it’s started to rain, which means that everything has ground to a near-total standstill.

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