Page 61 of Believe In Us

“Don’t Jade,” Kai mumbles, as if also reading my mind. It’s like he can see the wheels of doubt turning in my head, connecting all the dots, and putting all the pieces together. They knew about Roman, but did they know who he was?

“We didn’t know it at first, didn’t make the connection, even though if I’m being honest it should have been clear as day. I mean you look identical,” Kai jokes, but no one is laughing. Stella stands beside me, and just like I am she's obviously piecing everything together. “We convinced him to help us locate Scar, little did we know Ace had already gone to her.”

“But then the accident happened,” Drake continues, my gaze now falling on him. “When Scar went to follow him, when she disappeared with Alek, we contacted Roman, told him she was in danger. It was then that he reached out to Scar’s dad and well, you know the rest.”

That’s when all hell broke loose. According to Stella, Ace was kidnapped by his uncle, who turns out was actually his father. Then Scarlett showed up and they were nearly killed by Wesley, only Marchesi, who was pretending to be Macallan our English Professor, showed up first and told Wesley that Lilith was the one who killed Marchesi’s sister Gianna, the love of Wesley’s life, causing him to shoot Lilith for betraying him. Then Marchesi shot Wesley and threatened to kill Ace and Scar only Scar’s biological father, Maxwell Smoak, showed up and killed Marchesi, but not before he was also shot by him. At this point the manor was on fire, Ace and Scar had to run out, unable to save Maxwell, and he died along with the other three in the fire that took down Servite Manor. It all sounds like some sick horror film, only it’s the sad truth. My sisters sad truth.

“That’s why he was there that night,” I ask, well more of say out loud to myself. “When I went back to the safe house, I found Roman there, standing beside the Horsemen, Scar in bed all bruised and,” I suddenly feel the urge to puke, bile rising in my throat, coating my esophagus with a burning acid threatening to corrode it and turn it to ash. I drop down to my knees thinking about everything Scar went through and how I wasn’t there for her. How I still am not there for her.

“Jade,” Kai shouts, dropping down to kneel in front of me, buthis voice sounds muffled by something as my mind turns hazy and everything sounds like I’m underwater. “Jade please say something,” he pleads, but I can’t. I’m in shock, afraid that if I move or speak I will puke all over the place.

Suddenly there is a loud knock on the door making Kai immediately jump to his feet as Drake rushes over to the door to see what the commotion is all about. Drake opens the door and is thrown out of the way as Bass appears in the doorway, hair disheveled and a dark purple bruise under his right eye. That does it.

I instantly feel the bile rise further up my throat and I'm unable to hold it in any longer. Quickly jumping to my feet, I sprint back into Drake’s bedroom and straight to the bathroom, Stella moving quickly behind me trying to catch up. I barely make it to the toilet in time and begin to puke relentlessly, my body convulsing as sobs erupt from within me. The putrid stench only makes me hurl faster as I feel the inside of my nose burning, hot molten lava trailing up my esophagus and coating my tongue with its bitterness.

Behind me the bathroom door locks, only I’m unsure of who it is that has come in, but then I feel her hand on my back, rubbing small circles with one hand while the other reaches to pull my hair back. She doesn’t say a word, just continues to rub my back as my entire lunch, the burger, the fries, the onion rings, the nachos, and the chocolate banana milkshake, end up in the toilet bowl before me.

When I’m finally completely empty inside, I fall back on my ass, cradling my face in my hands as I lean forward, folding my knees up to my chest.God I’m a fucking mess, how did I let things get this far.

“You had no control over any of it Jade,” Stella answers back, and I realize I’ve said my thoughts out loud.Fuck.

“Jade open the fucking door,” I hear Bass shout as he bangs against the door, only he doesn’t seem so close by.

“Get the fuck out of here Silver, she’s not in the mood to seeyou. If she wanted to, she'd call you,” I hear Drake shout back, but he also sounds like a distant echo.

“Yeah didn’t you see, the mere sight of you makes her fucking vomit,” Kai growls, and the irony of his words makes me laugh hysterically.

“Get the fuck out of my way, both of you. Jade please open the fucking door, we need to talk. Stella I swear if you don’t open the goddamn door right now...”

“Don’t worry,” she says, handing me a wet towel, “I locked the bedroom door too.”

I simply nod my head, at least I think I do, right now I don’t even know what I am doing.

“He doesn’t know does he?” she asks, and I’m slightly confused by her question until it hits me. She knows, she’s figured out my dirty little secret.

“I don’t...”

“Shh, don’t, it’s okay you don’t have to say it. Please don’t say it, not to me. I don’t want to be the first person you admit it to.” Her tone is soft and understanding, like always not an ounce of judgment comes from my dear friend. Her smile calms me, the sense of trust she gives me is all I need, yet a reminder that she’s the only one who gives it to me.

However, I can’t deal with this right now, “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I say, quickly standing up but reaching out to grip the sink as my head begins to spin.

“You haven’t had a drop of alcohol in weeks, you eat like a fucking football player, like the whole team, and I’ve heard you puke on multiple occasions. I may be naive but I’m not fucking stupid Jade.”

Fear prickles at my temples as a piercingly painful headache overwhelms me.

“I called him,” she says, and it’s like another knife has been jabbed into my back. This one hurt, maybe more than the others. “It wasn’t my place, maybe I stepped out of line…”

“Yeah you fucking stepped out of line Stella, what the fuck!”

“He needs to know Jade, you’re my best friend, my soul sister, but he’s also my family, and although it may not seem like it, he’s one of the best people I know. He’s an asshole, a prideful bastard, and a huge fucking dick, but he had the biggest heart before his monster of a father ripped it out of him, and I know deep down inside there is still a piece that remains intact. If I’ve learned anything over the years, if my grief and pain have taught me anything, it’s that we aren’t them. You taught me that Jade. We are not our parents, you don’t have to be afraid. He’s not his father and you,” she pauses, unsure of what to say next or how to say it, “Just because you didn’t have one, doesn’t mean you won’t know how to become one.”

It’s in this precise moment that it all becomes crystal clear to me. Stella’s right. I haven’t kept this to myself for fear that Sebastian won’t stand by my side through it, but because I know he will, he’s made it blatantly clear that he wants to be with me. It’s not because of the issues with my brother and sister, the fact that my deadbeat father is in fact dead and I have no family left. It’s not because everyone turned their backs on me, including my friends, and I’m scared of doing this all alone.

It’s because of her. It's because I never knew my mother, never had a motherly figure until Grayson and Sarah, but they aren’t mine as much as I’d hoped they’d be. I’m panicking at the thought of not knowing how to be a mother because I never had one. I’m absolutely terrified that I’ll let down my Little Monster before he or she even has a chance.

And that’s what keeps me in denial.

But it isn’t healthy, and I can’t keep this self-sabotaging, toxic behavior up. I need to face my monsters, head on and with no restraint, and the first one is standing right outside that door.

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