Page 47 of Chasing Amber

I’m far too feisty and ornery to let someone discipline me. Why am I doing this? Part of me wants to shove away from this wall, march out of the room, and slam my door shut. I’d be breaking several rules in doing so, but I would be able to reassert my adult self and get my head back on straight.

It seems like I’ve been either partially or totally in Little space from the moment I stepped into Cassandra’s playroom yesterday. I’m not even sure I can control it. I managed to put on a front for other people while we were out this morning, but my Little was hovering in the background. The entire time, I was fidgety and fighting to tamp her down.

Maybe my Little has been right beneath the surface for a long time. I didn’t fully acknowledge her existence until the day I met Cassandra and spent some time in the back of her closet with her. Ever since then, I’ve had thoughts that won’t leave me alone. I think that’s why it was so easy for me to grab my pillow and teddy and climb into the back of my own closet the other night.

My stress level has been growing for the past few weeks as Jacob’s impending release got closer. I didn’t tell anyone. In fact, when people asked, I blew them off and said I was fine.Outwardly, I pretended I didn’t care he was about to get out of prison.

My rational mind agrees. There’s no reason to feel nervous. He’s not coming after me. He has no reason to. He would jeopardize his freedom if he came near me. There’s a restraining order. Plus, I have Isaac. A scrawny twenty-seven-year-old is no match for Isaac.

However, there’s no way to stop my subconscious mind from running rampant. It controls my dreams and my nightmares. I’m on alert and conjuring up all sorts of scenarios. I try to ignore them, but they seep in anyway.

Thoughts of being grabbed from behind infiltrate my mind at will. That’s how I was taken the first time. I was foolishly walking alone at night off campus when someone wrapped their arm around me from behind. They covered my mouth.

The panic that consumed me was overwhelming and short-lived because, in seconds, a needle was plunged into my arm, and I passed out.

I squeeze my eyes closed at the memory. A cold sweat breaks out. I can’t make the visions stop. It’s like the side of me that feels inept recognizes that I’m vulnerable right now and sneaks in through the opening.

Memories assault me, trying to take me down—flashing like photographs.

Me sitting in the corner of that concrete room on the dingy old mattress, my knees pulled up to my chest as I fought back the nausea that lingered for hours.

Me holding my skirt up with my panties around my knees so I could pee into the bucket. Even though Jacob turned around when I relieved myself, the humiliation was real. The first few times, my legs were so weak and shaking from the lingering drugs that I feared I might fall on my face and spill vomit, shit, and pee all over myself.

My mind switches to the nights. It was so dark and lonely in that room. Jacob was assigned to the days. Someone else guarded me at night, but he didn’t come into the room. He sat outside the door.

I shivered from the cold even after Jacob gave me a pair of sweatpants to wear under my skirt. At night, I lay in fear. My brother had to be freaking the fuck out. He’d feared something like this would happen someday, and I’d never taken him seriously. I knew he would pay the ransom. I wondered what was taking so long. I’d been there four days.

I think back on a conversation I heard between Jacob and his brother…

“Pull your shit together, Jacob. Remember what Dad said. The Wakefields have more money than God. That girl and her brother didn’t even earn it. Why should they have a silver spoon while we have nothing?”

I’m breathing heavily as I try to shake the fear I felt back then. I’m not there anymore. I was rescued. An entire team rescued me. Ben led the group. That’s how my brother met him and ended up hiring him as his own personal protection detail.

My brain won’t stop going back to that basement. I try to think about pretty things like flowers or the blue sky on a summer day, but I’m dragged back into that fucking basement.

Stop. Stop, stop, stop.

I’m there again, hovering in the corner. It’s morning. I’m shaking as I rock back and forth. My stomach is growling, and I’m thirsty. Jacob hasn’t come in to bring me something to eat or drink since sometime yesterday.

Suddenly, there’s a loud bang, like a door slamming into a wall and then shouting.

I scream. I can’t stop myself. I start screaming louder and louder.

When someone touches me, I cringe, afraid it’s my captors.

“Amber, you’re safe,” a disembodied voice tells me. I don’t know the voice. Has the person come to rescue me? They lift me gently in their arms.

“Amber… Baby, you’re safe.”

This time, I recognize the voice. I jerk my eyes open, confused for a moment, until I realize Isaac is holding me. He’s cradling me in his arms. I glance around. I’m in my apartment. I’m not back in that basement. I’m home. Protected.Safe.

I start crying.

Isaac holds me closer and carries me out of the kitchen. He sits on the couch, reminding me that the last time he sat here not long ago, I was extended over his lap. He spanked me.

My ass is naked against his jeans. The only thing I’m wearing is his T-shirt, and it’s pushed up, exposing my butt.

He rocks me gently, stroking hair away from my face. “Baby, what happened?”

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