Page 36 of Chasing Amber

I reach over and set my hand on top of hers. “One day at a time, baby. Eat your breakfast.”

She gives a slight nod and takes a bite. Her voice is soft as she says, “I’m trying to think back, wondering if you were ever just my bodyguard.”

“No, baby. I was always more than that.”

She nods again, staring at her plate.

CHAPTER 14

Amber

I’m trying so hard to hold on to my adult side. I’ve been that person for my entire life. Why is it so hard to be her today?

After breakfast, I help Isaac load the dishwasher.

Isaac…Daddy.Daddy. Daddy.

I keep looking at him, repeating that in my head. I’ve already called him Daddy a few times. It feels right. It also feels scary.

When the kitchen is clean, Isaac steps close to me and cups my face, careful not to touch my chin. “I intended for us to spend some time talking this morning, but I think it would be better if you went to your studio where you can focus on your meeting. Get in the right headspace.”

I nod. It’s hard to know how to respond to him. Does he expect me to submit to him all the time? The idea is overwhelming.

He says nothing about my nonverbal response. Instead, he smiles. “I’m going to do some things on my computer before we leave, okay?”

I nod again. I want to askWhat things?but refrain from doing so. I’m not sure I want to hear the answer right now.

He slides his hand around to my neck and hauls me closer so he can kiss my forehead. “Everything is going to be okay, baby. I promise.”

When he releases me, I take a few steps back. There’s more oxygen in other parts of the apartment. I’m sure of it. Another nod, and I turn and leave the room.

“Amber,” he calls as I step into the hallway.

I turn back to look at him.

“Leave the studio door open.” He lifts a brow.

I swallow hard and nod for the millionth time before hurrying toward my studio. It feels strange to leave the door open. I’ve never left this door open. When I’m in my studio working, I’m off-limits unless there’s a fire, and Isaac knows that.

I’m confident this new rule isn’t really about me touching myself. I don’t masturbate in my studio. I don’t even do so in my room usually. But he doesn’t know how infrequently I’ve touched myself in the last several years. After catching me last night, he might suppose I do so twice a day. The idea of setting him straight is too daunting to ponder.

Keeping the doors open is bigger than that. It’s about exercising his dominance. It’s about erasing boundaries. It’s about making sure I don’t close myself off from him.

I know he meant for me to leave the door ajar, but I don’t close it at all. I’m not going to work this morning. I’m just going to pace and think.

I keep glancing down at my dress. I put it on for a reason—to help me get solidly into an adult headspace. I’ve barely succeeded at that so far this morning. It’s madness. Ever since I entered Cassandra’s room yesterday, I’ve had at least one foot in Little space. It’s like I’ve had a taste of it, and now I can’t stop.

It’s exactly what she described and what I already knew. It’s freeing. The only way for Little space to feel that way is if there is a trusted caregiver in the area. I don’t think I would be able to let myself go and ignore the world without knowing Isaac was holding down the fort, grounding me. If there were a fire, he would get me out. If I forget to eat, he will feed me. If someone comes to the door, he will answer it without disrupting me.

He’s always done those things, though, from day one. I’ve never had to worry about my surroundings because for two years I’ve known that Isaac would keep me safe, fed, and protected.

I pace toward the window and stare out at the city below. It’s still early. People are rushing around on the sidewalks. Cars are inching down the streets of Seattle on their way to work, school, the gym, or shopping.

I’m rarely one of the people in that rat race because I often stay at home. Today, I will leave this building to meet with Monette. That makes three days in a row I’m leaving the apartment. I’ll probably need at least a day or two without unlocking the door to recuperate. Or maybe I’m just telling myself that lie when what I really need is a few days not to worry about Jacob.

He's not coming after me. I know he’s not. But I can’t help but look around all the time to see if he’s lurking nearby. It’s not my fault he was caught, arrested, and convicted of kidnapping and extortion. He didn’t have to go along with his brother and his friends when they decided to commit a felony. I don’t think he blames me for his actions.

There’s always the possibility I’m wrong, and clearly, my brain is having trouble processing that, especially when I’m sleeping. I slept well last night after Isaac joined me. I wonder if it was because he was holding me or if it was a coincidence.

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