Page 47 of Playing with Desire

He sighed as the fingers in Summer’s tousled hair gently massaged her scalp. “You don’t want to know.”

Frustration welled up inside her, and she didn’t bother suppressing her annoyance. “Don’t tell me what I do or don’t want to know,” she said, watching as his eyes widened slightly at her forthright attitude. “If I didn’t genuinely care, I wouldn’t have asked. I know you’re not used to sharing things so personal, but this is important to me.”

His brows furrowed into a deep frown. “Why?”

“Because it could have cost you your life,” she said, hating even saying the words. “But it didn’t, and I’m so grateful for that. I want to know... Ineedto know, because I care abouteverythingthat happens to you.”

“I’m not used to that,” he said, his tone gruff. “Of course, I’ve had Rick and my friends in the military, but I’ve been out on my own for so long, and it’s just easier not to talk about some things, because I don’t like anyone worrying about me. It’s a burden they don’t need to carry.”

She lifted her hand and gently skimmed her thumb along his cheek, avoiding the scrapes and scratches from earlier. “Declan, people who care about you or love you are always going to worry. And sometimes, hearing what happened, and that you’re okay despite it, eases their fears.”

He turned his head away and glanced up at the ceiling. He was quiet for so long she was certain he’d withdrawn and wasn’t going to share anything. But then he spoke.

“My unit was out on a mission, one where we intended to capture a known terrorist leader who’d done some really bad shit,” he said, not elaborating on what that “really bad shit” was, probably to save her from having to hear the horrible and heinous details. “We were surrounded and ambushed, grenades were thrown and shots fired, which hit me and a few of my guys.” His lips flattened into a thin line. “Honestly, the assault was so bad that we’re lucky nobody in the until was fatally wounded. But it never should have happened to begin with.”

His gaze was still averted, but with her hand on his chest, right above his rapidly beating heart, she realized that he was taking at least some of the blame for the attack. “Declan... you can’t predict something like that.”

“No, not completely,” he agreed, finally looking at her, the anguish in his eyes making her own heart hurt for him. “But I should have been more aware of our surroundings. More focused. But for the first time ever in my military career, I was completely distracted and in my own head when it happened.”

And he was clearly torn over his lack of concentration at a crucial time like that. She couldn’t imagine what had divided his attention. “Distracted by what?”

“Thoughts of... you.”

She gasped in shock, then shook her head. “I don’t understand.”

“We’d been in position for endless exhaustinghours,” he said, his tone tentative. “And my mind drifted to you and how you were doing and if you were okay after the way I ended things. All torturous thoughts that had weighed heavily on me during the time I’d been overseas. And because I wasn’t paying close attention, I never saw the attack coming, and it could have killed the entire team.”

The fact that she’d been on his mind when she’d believed he’d so easily cut her out of his life at least gave her a semblance of solace. That she hadn’t been the only one struggling with the breakup. But Summer never wanted any part of their relationship or their painful split to cause him not to be focused the way he should have been. She’d thought the separation had been a clean and easy one for him, but clearly he’d been just as torn.

But for him to carry the guilt of believing the ambush was his fault was like a knife to her heart. “Declan, you’re not responsible for the entire unit. Clearly, the enemy had some kind of advantage if none of you were aware of the attack until it happened.”

He rubbed a hand along his jaw and groaned. “Logically, I know that. But it’s been difficult to not feel some kind of culpability when IknowI wasn’t paying attention like I should have been.”

“I’m so sorry,” she said softly.

“You have nothing to apologize for,” he said, and at least that disturbed glimmer in his gaze had eased as he gently touched her face. “You might have been in my thoughts that day, but Iletyou be there.”

She had no idea what any of that meant when it came to her or even them. And she didn’t ask. If there was something significant for him to say, he had to offer it on his own time and terms and not because she’d pried it from him.

“Do you know what you’re going to do?” she asked.

“No.” His mouth twisted sardonically. “My mind has been on other things since I’ve been home.”

She knew he meant the situation with her and Rick, and at leastthatissue had been settled. No matter what happened with her and Declan going forward, she was at least grateful she hadn’t destroyed their sibling bond.

She sat up in bed, knowingsheneeded space from Declan. That an easy sexual relationship for whatever time he was home wasn’t something she could handle when she wished for so much more. As selfish as it might be, she wantedeverythingwith Declan or nothing at all.

“I think I should go to my own room.” Decision made, she started moving off the bed, but Declan grabbed her arm to stop her. When Summer glanced back at him, she was surprised to see the flash of panic in his eyes, when he wasn’t a man who usually showed those deeper vulnerabilities.

“Stay,” he said, the one word a demand more than a request.

Normally, that more dominant side to him could persuade her to do just about anything... but not this. “No.” Refusing him was one of the most difficult things she’d had to do when she wanted nothing more to wake up beside him in the morning. Feel him deep inside her again in the middle of the night.

He didn’t look happy about her rejection, but she powered through, no matter how much it killed her to do so when it would be so incredibly easy to fall back into his arms and stay in his bed. But she didn’t want to be an easy, convenient, temporary lover for Declan. What she wanted was forever with him.

She swallowed back the emotions tightening her throat. “I think us sleeping together and having sex is only going to complicate matters. You have important decisions to make about your life and career over the next week or so, and I don’t want to interfere or sway you in any way when it comes to whatever choice you make. I’m hoping that the apartment I’m going to see tomorrow is everything I need, and if it is, I’ll probably be out of here by this weekend.”

“You don’t have to leave.” His voice sounded gravelly. Desperate even.

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