Page 7 of Hook, Line and Single

‘Dinner at The Mermaid,’ I say after thinking for a moment. The Mermaid is a beautiful four-star art deco hotel that’s recently been completely renovated, and the food there is to die for.

‘Oh, you’re confident. Fine. How do we determine who’s won?’

‘I’m relying on you to be honest. Any funny business or pervy remarks and I win. He has to be a perfect gentleman, all right?’

‘Deal.’

I’m feeling pensive as I rejoin Peter Stockley in the living room. He hasn’t moved and looks every bit as relaxed as when I left him. I’m convinced he won’t have changed, but how to get him to reveal his true colours to Sam before it’s too late and she inevitably falls for him? As it turns out, I don’t need to do anything, as I’ve barely sat down in the armchair furthest away from him when he starts to speak.

‘Before Sam comes out, I wonder if I could ask you a “delicate” question?’ he begins, making air quotes with his fingers as he says the word ‘delicate’.

Frankly, I’d rather not have any conversation with him at all, let alone let him ask me any questions, but I realise I might learn something useful.

‘Of course,’ I tell him. ‘Ask away.’

‘Is it true that when women live together, their monthlies sync up?’

What the hell?

‘I have no idea,’ I say curtly. ‘Why on earth would you want to know something like that anyway?’ I happen to know that Sam’s and my cycles are aligned, but there’s no way I’m sharing that fact.

‘I thought you might be able to help me out, that’s all.’

This conversation is becoming increasingly bizarre. ‘How did you figure that out?’

‘Well, Sam and I are going for a drink, right?’

‘Yes.’

‘But it might be just a drink, or it might be a drink and more.’

‘More?’

‘Come on, Rubes, we’re both adults and you know what I mean. The point is that it would be really handy to know what stage of her monthly Sam’s at. If she’s got the painters in, I won’t get my hopes up, but if she’s, you know…’

I’m stunned.

‘Let me just check if I’ve got this straight,’ I say slowly. ‘You want me to tell you what stage of my menstrual cycle I’m at, in case Sam is aligned with me, so you can work out whether you’ve got a chance of having sex with her tonight. Is that right?’

He looks absolutely delighted. ‘You’ve hit the nail on the head.’

Shit, I should be recording this. Just that on its own would have been enough to get me a free meal at The Mermaid, I reckon, but it doesn’t count because Sam wasn’t here to witness it. I need to up the ante and hope she comes out soon.

‘I’m happy to inform you, Pete, that I’m not currently menstruating,’ I tell him. ‘Can I ask you a question now?’

‘Of course, I’m an open book. No secrets, that’s my motto.’

‘What is it that attracts you to Sam?’

‘What do you mean? She’s a good-looking bird, I mean, woman. Sorry, slip of the tongue. Ha, that’s a good one. Slip of the tongue, right? I might slip her a bit of tongue later, know what I mean? I’ve never had a redhead before. I wonder if the collar and cuffs match.’

He winks. He actually winks. Dear God, how much worse can this get?

‘Have you got a fella in tow?’ he asks while I’m still digesting his last set of bombshells.

‘I haven’t, as it happens. I’m not in the market.’

‘Really?’ His gaze rakes appraisingly over me, making me feel mildly nauseous. ‘I’m surprised to hear that, Rubes, I really am. You’ve grown into yourself since I saw you last, and I don’t mind telling you that you’re a bit of a stunner yourself these days. Tell you what, if things don’t work out with Sam, maybe you and I?—’

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