Page 5 of Hook, Line and Single

‘Hang on,’ she says before turning and yelling at a man facing away from me at the back of the shop. ‘Hey, Jace! What was the name of that book?’

The man turns, and I instantly recognise Sam’s most recent ex-boyfriend, Jason. He was obviously trying to lurk undetected, and he looks decidedly shifty as he approaches the counter.

‘Hello, Jason,’ I say coolly.

‘Ruby.’

‘Oh, do you two know each other?’ the woman asks.

‘We’ve met a couple of times,’ I tell her.

‘That’s nice. Babe, what was the name of that book we were laughing at on TikTok? The one about the beaver?’

‘Dunno,’ he says. ‘Brenda’s beaver something or other.’

‘That’s it. Does that help?’ she asks.

With a sigh, I enter ‘Brenda’s beaver’ into the search box and I’m slightly surprised to see that it returns a title.

‘Brenda’s Beaver Needs a Barber, by Bimisi Tanayita?’ I ask.

‘That’s the one! It’s just the funniest thing ever. I was going to get it for Jace as a surprise for our anniversary, only I guess I’ve kind of spoilt that now.’ She turns to him, giving him the full puppy-dog eyes. ‘Sorry, babe.’

I’m no longer interested in her, or her bizarre-sounding book, as her revelation is tumbling around in my head and not making any sense.

‘Sorry,’ I say to her carefully, fixing my eyes on Jason, who suddenly looks like he’s been caught with his fingers in the sweetie jar. ‘Did you say youranniversary?’

‘That’s right,’ she replies, obviously picking up that something strange is passing between me and Jason as her eyes flick between us. ‘Two years. Why?’

I know the professional thing to do in this situation is to say nothing, but I can’t let Jason get away with this. His eyes are wide, silently pleading with me, but I can feel the heat of righteous anger building inside me.

‘It’s nothing, really,’ I say sweetly to the woman. ‘I’ve heard of open relationships before, but I’ve never actually met someone who’s in one.’

Her eyes narrow. ‘What makes you think we’re in an open relationship? What’s Jason said to you?’

‘Nothing. I just assumed you must be because he was dating my best friend Sam as well for a couple of months. They only split up a couple of weeks ago, so…’ I leave the rest unsaid for her to fill in the blanks herself. I can practically hear the cogs whirring in her head as, beside her, Jason visibly deflates.

‘Sam?’ she hisses at him after what feels like an age. ‘Who the fuck is Sam?’

‘No one,’ he stammers. ‘She was just someone I saw a couple of times in the pub after work. I was friendly, like I always am, but she read more into it and started telling people we were together. She’s a bit of a psycho, if I’m honest, you know the type. Clingy. Nothing happened though, I swear.’

The woman is switching her gaze between Jason and me, like she’s watching some kind of tennis match. I can see the doubt in her eyes and, for a moment, I’m tempted to let this go for her sake, but there’s no way I can let Jason talk about my best friend like that.

‘If anyone’s psychotic here, Jason, it’s you,’ I counter smoothly. ‘You saw her more than a couple of times, and it was serious enough for her to be able to describe your woeful sexual technique in surprising detail.’ Jason’s looking at me furiously, but I’m on a roll now and I just can’t stop myself. ‘You might want to invest in some numbing cream or something. You know, to help you last a bit longer?’

This intimate revelation is obviously the final straw for the woman, who slaps Jason so hard that complete silence falls in the shop as everyone turns to witness the scene unfolding by the counter.

‘You dirty, lying, cheatingfucker!’ the woman I suspect has just become Jason’s latest ex yells.

‘Babe, I can explain,’ he begins lamely.

‘Don’t “babe” me,’ she retorts, cutting him off. ‘I’m not your “babe” and I’ll be taking to my socials to make sure you don’t get anyone to call “babe” again. You can fuck right off, wanker.’

With that, she sticks the middle fingers of both hands up at him and stalks out of the shop, slamming the door behind her and leaving Jason open mouthed. I’ve enjoyed the confrontation much more than I have any right to, and I’m making sure I can remember every sentence to give Sam a blow-by-blow account later. I have just one more piece of wisdom to drop to make this piece of schadenfreude perfect.

‘Jason?’ I ask mildly. ‘Have you ever heard the phrase “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned?”’

‘Oh, fuck off, Ruby,’ he says forcefully, before turning on his heel and walking out of the door. Just before it closes behind him, I hear him shout, ‘Babe, wait!’ but, from the stream of invective that comes back his way, it doesn’t sound like she’s very receptive to that idea.

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