Page 14 of Hook, Line and Single

‘One of the people your father plays golf with is a vicar,’ Mum explains with a slight sigh. ‘We’ve been getting a lot of this lately.’

‘Anyway, we’re getting off the point,’ Em states firmly, having cleared that little mystery up. ‘Let me get this straight then. If you’re not a virgin, regardless of your gender, you have to go to thisMary Magdalenething.’

‘Yup,’ Sam agrees.

‘Fucking typical.’

‘Emerald!’

‘Sorry, Mum, but it is. Blame the women, just like everyone has forever.’ This is a well-worn theme of Em’s, and I mentally prepare myself for the diatribe. It’s not that I don’t agree with her; I do, but her constant campaigning can get a little wearing. ‘Why didn’t they name their sex shame clinic after a man, hmm? Because it’s always the woman’s fault. She’s afallenwoman. Where are thefallenmen?’

‘It gets worse,’ Sam tells her. ‘Even once you’ve graduated, it’s on your record that you attended, and anyone interested in covenanting with you will be informed of that fact as part of the process. Bryan with a “y” made it clear that basically means graduates will only covenant with each other, because the pure ones won’t want you. So, if I wanted to marry someone from there, not only would I have to basically shout my sexual history from the rooftops, but I’d probably be in my fifties before I’d be allowed to covenant the one man honest enough to reveal that he wasn’t as pure as the driven snow.’

‘Or you could lie,’ Em offers. ‘Tell them you’ve never even looked at a boy.’

‘Why should I? I’m not ashamed. I’m not some nymphomaniac who whips off her knickers at the drop of a hat – sorry, Mrs Johnson. I’ve had a number of committed, loving relationships and a few disasters. No, they can keep their holier-than-thou attitude, thank you very much.’

‘It’s all nonsense anyway,’ Em observes. ‘Even the so-called pure ones are probably wanking themselves into a coma to deal with the frustration.’

‘Emerald!’ my parents shout together.

‘What about you?’ I ask Em a little while later, once Mum and Dad have stopped scowling at her. I know sisters often fight like cat and dog but, despite the six-year age gap, Em and I have always got on well. ‘How are things with Charlie?’

She sighs. ‘Tricky, at the moment. It was easy when we were both at uni, but now I’m stuck down here and he’s up in Manchester. We’re both looking for jobs in London, and we see each other as often as we can, but the train fares are mental.’

‘You’re not going to split up though, are you?’ Em and Charlie have been together since their first year of uni, and I’ve never seen them anything other than totally loved up.

‘I hope not, but it’s hard to keep the spark alive.’ She lowers her voice so Mum and Dad can’t hear. ‘We did try sexy video calls, but they just made me feel really grubby.’

I smile. ‘Talking of grubby, you’ll never guess who Sam brought home the other night. Do you remember me talking about Peter Stockley, back in the day?’

‘Wasn’t he the frotteur?’ She turns and stares at Sam, who rolls her eyes.

‘I thought he’d changed. We all make mistakes.’

‘He was a nasty boy,’ Mum observes. She’s either given up on scolding Em for her language, or has no idea what frottage is. ‘I blame his father. Do you remember him, Derek?’

‘Nope,’ Dad replies.

‘I suppose you wouldn’t,’ Mum says with a sigh. ‘He wouldn’t have been interested in you, but I don’t think there was a woman at the school he didn’t try to feel up. He was so blatant about it too. No wonder Peter turned out the way he did. Disgusting, the pair of them. You’d probably get a better class of man on one of those boozy holidays to Spain that the younger generation seem so keen on. Maybe you should do one of those, Sam.’

‘No offence, but I think Sam and Ruby are probably ten years too old for the thumping nightlife of Shagaluf,’ Em says with a laugh.

‘I’m really not sure university has been good for you, Emerald,’ Mum tells her sternly. ‘Your language has taken a real nosedive.’

Em turns to me and winks. Her second favourite hobby, after campaigning for women’s rights, is winding up Mum and Dad. I really hope she finds a job and moves out soon, because I can’t see her living at home being a success at this rate.

* * *

‘I’ve been thinking,’ Sam says to me after we’ve given our order to the waiter. She’s been as good as her word, and we’re currently sitting in the plush dining room of The Mermaid, sipping Chablis and enjoying the view of the sea through the large windows.

‘Always worrying,’ I quip.

‘I need a break. You could probably use one too. When was the last time you went on holiday?’

‘I went to Venice with Jono.’

‘That doesn’t count. He was buying books so it was a work trip.’

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