Page 9 of Hook, Line and Single

‘It might liven things up,’ I say, trying desperately not to let any images form in my head. I’ll throw up if they do.

‘Oh, fuck, this is better than my wildest dreams,’ Pete exclaims enthusiastically, grabbing his trousers. ‘I’m hard already.’

‘I see,’ Sam says, her voice suddenly dripping with disapproval. ‘Well, I’m sorry to disappoint you, Pete, but neither Ruby nor I are lesbians, we’ve never got it on, we won’t be getting it on tonight and you most certainly won’t be joining in. In fact, I think it’s time for you to leave.’

‘What?’

‘You heard me,’ she tells him, her tone now icy. ‘I’d like you to leave, please.’

‘That’s not fair. You led me on!’

‘No. I stupidly allowed myself to believe that you’d grown up and changed. I wanted to believe that, even when Ruby filled me in on your frankly disgusting conversation with her. Our little charade just now was a test, and you failed it spectacularly. Goodbye, Pete.’

‘But I can’t go out with this.’ He stands and indicates the bulge in his trousers.

‘Not my problem,’ she tells him as she stalks out into the hallway and opens the front door. ‘Off you go, and don’t come back.’

‘Fine. Have it your way,’ he says furiously as he heads for the door. ‘Your loss.’

I smile as a quote from Jane Austen comes to me. ‘I dare say we will be able to bear the deprivation,’ I tell his retreating form.

‘Fucking cock-busting lesbians!’ he yells furiously as he storms off down the pavement.

‘Have a nice life!’ Sam calls after him before shutting the door and turning to me. ‘I’m so sorry,’ she says.

‘I’m the one who’s sorry,’ I tell her. ‘I know how much you wanted him to have changed.’

‘Yeah, well. Aren’t I the fool. I’ve literally scraped the bottom of the barrel now. Maybe it’s time to give up.’

‘Your Prince Charming is out there, I’m sure of it. He’s just not called Peter Stockley.’

She giggles. ‘We’ll have to call him Threesome Pete from now on. What an expensive disaster.’

‘I don’t know, you got off lightly compared to what might have been.’

‘I wasn’t thinking about him, I’m thinking about the bet.’

‘You’re right,’ I tell her with a laugh. ‘You’d better give The Mermaid a call, hadn’t you.’

In light of tonight’s events, I’ve decided maybe it’s better not to tell her about my run-in with Jason. I don’t think that will do her self-esteem any good at all.

Somewhere out there, there has to be a man who deserves her, doesn’t there? I’m quite happy being single, but Sam isn’t cut out for it. Please, God, if you’re there, find her her person.

4

‘I have a plan,’ Sam announces as she comes through the door. Samson and I are curled up together on the sofa. He’s fast asleep and I’m nearly halfway through a thriller that I was hoping to give a ‘Ruby’s Recommendation’ for in the shop. So far, it’s pretty turgid, so I’m glad of the distraction.

‘For what?’ I ask, inserting a bookmark and putting the book on the coffee table. Samson’s reaction to her arrival is a luxuriant stretch, but I’m not sure he even opened his eyes.

‘For meeting a man who isn’t a total dickhead. It’s so obvious, I’m frankly amazed it’s taken me this long to come up with it.’

Given that it’s only been a few days since the Threesome Pete debacle, this is a quick bounce back, even for her.

‘Go on,’ I tell her.

‘Church.’

‘What?’

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