Page 80 of Hook, Line and Single

I sigh. ‘I’m not sure I know how. I may not be that person any more, but the idea of being that vulnerable again still terrifies me.’

‘Which, again, is why I think a therapist might be a good idea. Someone to carefully help you find the key, lubricate the lock and open the door an inch at a time. I’m confident that you’d never go back to the dark place you were in at uni, but it doesn’t matter what I think. Until you believe it, you’re always going to be stuck.’

‘Mm. It’s hard though, because why rock the boat when I’ve survived quite happily for the last seven years?’

‘Because the reality is that, deep down, you want your happy ever after just as much as I do. If you were truly content as you are, you wouldn’t have got in such a mess when Cameron told you he liked you. The fact here, whether you’re ready to hear it or not, is that you like him just as much as he likes you.’

‘I think I shot that particular horse this afternoon, didn’t I?’

She grins. ‘A field sports reference. Interesting.’

‘Stop it, Freud.’

‘OK. I’m not sure you have shot the horse though. I would suggest that Cameron is feeling confused and embarrassed right now. He knew that he was overstepping the boundaries when he told you how he felt about you, and he probably thinks he’s blown it. He might even be having a very similar conversation to ours with his best mate. My question to you is this: If you could fix this, would you? Could you see a future with Cameron? Do you want one?’

‘I don’t know. I’ve never allowed myself to think like that.’

‘Let’s try it the other way around then. The horse you shot is dead and you’re never going to see Cameron again. How does that make you feel?’

‘I hate that idea,’ I tell her. The thought of it makes fresh tears start to fall. I’ve cried so much today, I’m frankly surprised I have anything left.

‘That’s your answer then.’

‘I’m not sure it’s that simple.’

‘It really is. Look, I can’t promise that you and Cameron will end up growing old together. There’s no safety net where love is concerned. It’s not a savings account with a guaranteed return. It’s risky, like riding the stock market. But, like the stock market, people do it because the rewards are immense if you get it right. There’s no “try before you buy” option either; you have to throw yourself in and hope for the best. Do you trust him?’

‘Yes, absolutely. That’s not the problem here. The problem is me letting myself open up to him.’

‘OK, let’s go back to the alternative for a moment. If you reject Cameron, who’s really won here? Is it you or is it Olly? Every time you run away from a chance of happiness, you’re letting Olly control you again. Is that what you want?’

‘No, of course not.’

‘Then change the narrative. Put yourself back at the centre of your story. Olly is past history. He’s a narcissist who did you an immense amount of damage, but he doesn’t get the last chapter. You do.’

‘You make it sound so easy.’

‘It’s not, which is why I suggested a therapist. But if you don’t kick any residual trace of Olly and what he did out of your life, you’re never going to be free to be the person God designed you to be.’

‘Did you just bring God into this?’

She blushes. ‘Sorry. It was something Robin said to me and I liked the image.’

‘And how is the dashing vicar?’

‘Nuh-uh. We’re not changing the subject until we have a plan. What are you going to do?’

‘I guess I need to talk to Cameron.’

‘Yes, you do.’

* * *

I’m lying in bed reflecting on our conversation and trying to think what to say to Cameron when my phone pings with a message. It’s from him and there’s only one word.

Sorry.

I stare at the screen for ages, prodding it to stop it going dark. I’m stupidly pleased to hear from him, but I can’t work out how to respond. I start several messages and delete them before deciding to bite the bullet.

---