Page 70 of Hook, Line and Single

‘Yes, but she also has what I would describe as a healthy fuck-offness to her. She doesn’t stand for any shit, and that’s incredibly attractive. Let me give you a scenario, and you can tell me how Sam would react.’

‘OK.’

‘I come home from a meeting of the church leadership team. Someone’s made an anonymous complaint about something I’ve said in a sermon.’

‘Does that happen?’

‘Oh, yes. Anonymous complaints are a church speciality. So a traditional wife would probably trot out something Biblical about turning the other cheek. What do you think Sam would say?’

‘She’d say that someone who wasn’t prepared to put their name to a complaint isn’t worth the time of day and you should tell them to fuck off.’

‘Exactly. OK, here’s another one for you. It’s my day off, but I’m mulling a tricky parish situation.’

‘She’d probably let you discuss it, give you a robust assessment and then expect you to move on. If that didn’t work, she’d probably get naked to distract you.’

He laughs. ‘I’ll have to remember that. Forget the flowers and chocolates. If I want to get Sam naked, hit her with a tricky parishioner. The point is that someone like Sam would help me to stay balanced. I don’t want the church to dominate my marriage; it already has the rest of my life.’

I turn and study him. ‘OK, I get why she’d be good for you. Why would you be good for her?’

‘Ooh. Tough question, and one she’s probably better placed to answer than me. I like to hope, to use her words, that I’m not a dickhead at least. I’d do whatever I could to make her happy, does that count?’

‘I don’t think you’re a dickhead,’ I agree, ‘and I don’t think anyone could ask for more than someone who wants them to be happy. In fact, I think you’ll do very well, Robin.’

‘So I passed the test?’

‘With flying colours, not that it matters.’

‘It does matter. You’re Sam’s best friend, so it would be awkward if you didn’t like me.’

‘Trust me, my opinion carried absolutely no weight when it came to her previous boyfriends. Thinking of which, how do you feel about the fact that she’s not exactly pure as the driven snow?’

He grins. ‘Do you want the Biblical answer or the Robin answer?’

‘Both.’

‘The Biblical answer is “let he who is without sin throw the first stone”. Even if I didn’t have a sexual history myself, there’s plenty of other stuff you could hold against me. Wearing a dog collar doesn’t give me the moral high ground, whatever some people might believe.’

‘Nice. And the Robin answer?’

‘I couldn’t give a shit who she’s been to bed with in the past. It’s hardly unusual, is it.’ He lowers his voice and smiles. ‘I mean, if she was on Only Fans or Pornhub, that might be tricky, especially as I’m fairly sure a couple of my congregation are voracious consumers of that kind of thing and would recognise her. Is there anything like that I need to know about?’

‘You’re quite safe there,’ I tell him with a laugh. ‘Sam’s very open minded in lots of ways, but not that. Are you sure you’re a vicar though? Swearing and adult websites don’t seem very holy to me.’

‘Just because I love God doesn’t mean I don’t live in the real world.’

‘I’ll bear that in mind.’

* * *

‘Did you get everything you needed out of Robin?’ Cameron asks once we’ve returned to the ship and taken up our positions by the pool.

‘I liked him very much. He’s a fascinating mixture of holy and worldly. How did you get on with Sam?’

‘She’s full-on, but she obviously thinks the world of you. She had some pretty strong opinions.’

‘She always does.’

He lapses into silence, and I take a sip of my drink. Over by the bar, Brad and Gail are also in their usual spot, evidently engaged in a heart to heart, if their facial expressions are anything to go by.

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