Page 44 of Hook, Line and Single

‘There’s not much to tell. We’ve spent some time together; I like him and he likes me. It’s hardly rocket science, Sam.’

She narrows her eyes suspiciously. ‘Bullshit. I know you, remember, and it would take a lot more than him just being a nice guy to persuade you to ditch your “there’s nothing a man can give me that I can’t get from Samson or my vibrator” mantra. What is it? Is he a secret millionaire? Does he have a degree from the university of how to give better sex than the XCite 3000 multispeed?’

‘He’s just a nice, genuine guy. And, unlike Robin, he’s not secretive about what he does for a living.’

‘Harsh, but again fair. What does he do?’

‘He’s in the police.’ I decide not to elaborate on the firearms bit as I’m not sure I understand it well enough to explain.

‘Oho!’ She laughs. ‘So that’s what it is.’

‘What?’

‘You’ve had your head turned by the thought of him in uniform, wielding his impressive truncheon. Get Alexa to play “You Can Leave Your Hat On” by Tom Jones, and let the striptease commence.’

‘You have a very dirty mind, has anyone ever told you that?’

‘Why, thank you.’ She curtseys playfully. ‘I’m hoping the two of you are going to give me something to focus it on. So, come on. Give me all the details. I want to knoweverything.’

I sigh. This has gone as far as I can take it. Much as I’ve enjoyed winding Sam up and I want to get her back for abandoning me, I’m not cut out for extensive deception, I realise.

‘Full disclosure?’

‘Full disclosure. Leave nothing out.’

‘Promise you won’t tell Barry.’

‘What’s it got to do with him? His work is done. You’ve literally made his year.’

‘Promise.’

‘Fine.’

‘We’re not a real couple.’

‘What?’

‘It was Cameron’s idea. Go red as a couple and get everyone off our backs.’

I watch as she digests this new information and, to my surprise, her expression changes to one of outrage.

‘So you’re saying that you and Cameron are faking this whole thing?’

‘Yes.’

‘But…’ she splutters, temporarily lost for words.

‘We aren’t committing a crime, Sam. Everybody wins. We can gracefully drop out of the cringey dating games and Barry gets his happy ending.’

‘Bollocks,’ she spits. ‘You fraudulently took a prize that was meant for a real couple, and that’s a crime. I bet you’ve been having a right old laugh, haven’t you. “Look at the stupid romantics trying to find love. Let’s just cheat instead.” I know you made me promise, but I’ve got a good mind to tell Barry exactly what you’ve done.’

‘We haven’t been having a laugh at anyone’s expense, Sam,’ I tell her firmly, feeling annoyed myself now. ‘If anyone here’s behaved fraudulently, it’s you by signing me up for this without my consent, before promptly buggering off and leaving me to cope with it on my own.’

‘That’s not fair!’

‘Isn’t it? Look, I’m really pleased that you and Robin have found each other, and I hope he turns out to be Mr Right and you have football teams of rosy-cheeked children together, but don’t youdarecome for me when all I’m trying to do is make the best of the situation you’ve dumped me in.’

This is enough to take the wind out of her sails, and her defiant expression crumples. ‘I’ve been a shit friend on this cruise, haven’t I?’

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