Page 37 of Hook, Line and Single

‘Which brings us neatly on to tonight’s event,’ Barry tells us all delightedly. ‘The rules are simple. Ladies, you’ll be sitting on the chairs I’ve laid out around the edge of the room. Gents, you’ll be sitting in the chairs facing the ladies. You’ll have three minutes to find out as much as you can about each other before I ring the bell and you have to move on. I’ll give each of you a piece of paper on which you should write your own name at the top, and the names of anyone you’d like to spend the day getting to know better tomorrow underneath. If one of the people on your list has also written your name, I’ll pair you up and let you know via a note outside your cabin before ten tonight. One lucky couple will also win Barry’s Bonanza, which is a private guided tour of Malta with lunch thrown in, so it’s all to play for. Before we start, do any of the amber badges want to join in?’

‘You should totally do this one,’ I say to Cameron.

‘What on earth makes you think that?’ he asks incredulously.

‘I know you’re not looking for a relationship, but it’s good practice for talking to women.’

‘Do I have a problem talking to women?’

‘You know what I mean. Go on. You don’t have to write anyone down.’

He looks at me for a moment before raising his hand. ‘Barry, Ruby and I would like to take part, please.’

I stare at him. ‘What? I never agreed to that.’

‘If I’m doing it, you’re doing it too,’ he says with a mischievous grin as Barry happily thrusts name badges, pencils and pieces of paper into our hands. ‘I’ll see you on the other side.’

I must be losing my touch, I think, as I reluctantly allow myself to be guided to a chair. Not only did Sam hoodwink me onto this cruise, but Cameron just outmanoeuvred me as well. I meet Sam’s eye across the room and have to stifle a laugh. Speed dating may be my idea of hell, but it’s almost worth it to see the look on her face.

My first date is Euan, and his accent immediately identifies him as the phantom pussy stroker from the Blind Date evening.

‘Oh, God. I’msoembarrassed,’ he confesses when I call him out on it. ‘I blame bloody Barry. He told us to be a bit suggestive in our replies, and I was so nervous I opened my mouth and went way too far. I’m not like that in real life, honestly.’

‘I think it’s only fair to tell you that Sam, whose pussy you offered to stroke, is my flatmate, so you were technically offering to stroke my pussy too,’ I tell him, trying not to giggle as he goes absolutely puce. ‘You’ll forgive me if I don’t take you up on it.’

‘I’m never going to live this down, am I?’ Although crimson with embarrassment, he does at least smile.

‘Probably not while you’re on the cruise, no. Anyway, what do you do for a living, Euan?’

He’s palpably relieved at the change of subject. ‘I’m the manager of a supermarket in my hometown of Aberystwyth. What about you?’

Ten points for asking me a question, Euan, I think to myself. ‘It seems we share a love of the seaside and retail,’ I tell him with a smile. ‘I’m the co-owner of a bookshop in Margate.’

In fact, Euan turns out to be quite easy to chat to and not at all smutty, and it feels like we’re just getting going when the bell rings. If I’m disappointed at his departure, that’s nothing compared to the sinking feeling in my gut as his place is taken by Brad.

‘How’s it going, Brad?’ I ask wearily.

‘I’ve been better, Ruby,’ he says honestly. ‘Tell me. I know we didn’t talk for long the other night, but was that stuff Gail said about me true?’

I study him for a moment. His cockiness is gone and he looks more like a little boy who’s lost his favourite toy.

‘I can’t speak for your Italian, as I haven’t heard it,’ I tell him as gently as I can. ‘But you did talk about yourself a lot and I don’t think you asked me any questions.’

‘I guess I do that when I’m trying to make a good impression,’ he admits. ‘I’m terrified of awkward silences, so I just talk to fill them.’

‘There’s nothing wrong with wanting to avoid awkward silences, Brad, but you can fill them by asking questions about the other person. Try it on me.’

‘OK, umm, I know where you live so I can’t ask you that again.’

‘No, but you could ask about my work, or what I like to do with my spare time. Make me feel like I’m the most interesting person you’ve ever met. You could throw in relevant information while you’re doing that, but the trick is to keep it short. If I’m interested in you, I’m going to ask you questions and that’ll be your opportunity to talk about yourself. Do you see?’

He looks uncertain. ‘I guess so.’

The bell rings before we have a chance to go any further. ‘Try it out on the next person,’ I encourage him. ‘Let me know how you get on.’

‘The next person is Gail, so I don’t think it’s going to go well.’

‘Did you really like her?’

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