Page 18 of Hook, Line and Single

‘Just be careful, that’s all.’

‘Have you thought about disease?’ Dad pipes up.

‘I’m sorry, what?’

‘Cruise ships are always on the news for an outbreak of something nasty. Salmonella, or Legionnaires’ disease. They were one of the first Covid strongholds, don’t you remember?’

‘He’s got a point, Ruby,’ Mum adds. ‘Stay away from fresh fruit and salads, and only drink bottled water.’

‘We’re cruising the Med, not the Nile!’ I’m exasperated now. It would be nice if someone, apart from Sam, would show even a modicum of enthusiasm for this holiday. I’m going to prove them all wrong, I decide. We’re going to go on this cruise, Sam and I are going to have a fabulous time, and they’re all going to be sorry they were so negative.

7

‘How would you describe yourself, socially?’ Sam asks.

The cruise is just over a week away, and Sam and I are at home. She’s staring at her laptop while I’m poring over the guidebooks I’ve bought for the various destinations we’re going to visit and making notes on places I definitely want to see. Samson, typically, is taking no interest and is fast asleep on the sofa next to me.

‘What do you mean?’

‘If you had to describe yourself, what words would you use?’

‘It would depend on the context. Why?’

‘I’m wondering whether the reason I attract arseholes is because of the way I’ve described myself on the apps. I thought it might be helpful to hear the kinds of words you would use, to see if there’s anything I could be doing differently.’

Something about this isn’t ringing quite true, but I can’t work out what. I stare at Sam, but her face is a picture of innocence.

‘I thought you’d deleted all the apps,’ I say eventually.

‘I did, but you know me. Always the optimist, hoping the next guy won’t turn out to be a jerk. So, come on. Give me some words.’

‘I don’t know. How would you describe me?’

‘That’s not going to help, is it? I want to hear a completely different perspective, not the same perspective on a different person.’

‘Why don’t I describe you then? After all, it’s you on the app.’

She thinks for a minute. ‘No, that won’t work.’

‘Why not?’

‘Because it has to be my authentic voice. Come on, help me out here.’

I sigh and put down the book. ‘Fine. I’d say I was kind, trustworthy and loyal.’

She stares at me in disbelief. ‘That’s it?’

‘Are you saying I’m not those things?’

‘No, you are. It’s just…’

‘What?’

‘Those aren’t very good marketing words. Someone reading that isn’t going to think, “Cor, I’d love to meet her.”’

‘I’m not trying to market myself though. You asked me how I’d describe myself and I did.’

‘What about “Gorgeous dark-haired beauty with blue eyes you can lose yourself in and a rack to die for”?’

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