Page 12 of Hook, Line and Single

Once everyone has finally taken their seats, someone else comes onto the stage to read a passage from the Bible. I recognise it from school as the story of the battle of Jericho and, as soon as the reading is done, a glass lectern is positioned and a man in his mid-forties, wearing chinos and a light blue shirt, strides out, holding an open copy of the Bible in his hand.

‘That’s Martin, our pastor,’ Geoff whispers. ‘Such a gifted preacher.’

He may be gifted, but I still have no trouble tuning him out as he talks about how the battle of Jericho illustrates how we need to be persistent as Christians. What I do notice is that the people around us, including Ben and Taylor, all have notebooks open on their laps and are scribbling copious notes. I am briefly impressed that Martin appears to be speaking without notes of his own, until I turn my head and spot something that looks suspiciously like a teleprompter at the back of the room. After half an hour or so, during which I try hard not to doze off – these chairs are surprisingly comfortable – the band starts playing softly and, in another carefully choreographed set piece, the pastor draws his talk to a close. I’m surreptitiously checking my watch. Only another twenty minutes to go, then Sam can do her social bit and we can get out of here. I wonder what Mum’s making for lunch?

At the end of the service, Taylor and Ben rush off to collect baby Reuben from the crèche, along with some of the other members of the group who also must have small children. Geoff shepherds the rest of us into another massive room, where multiple coffee stations have been set up. Everyone seems very friendly, but I’m definitely feeling overwhelmed now, as the service finished with another full-on session from the band, and the noise of conversation in here is deafening.

‘Have you come far?’ a woman that Geoff introduced as Bernice yells in my ear. Sam and I have been separated, much to my consternation, although I can see her talking to someone in a red polo shirt bearing the church logo a little way away. I guess the colours all mean something, but I have no idea what.

‘Not really, I live in Margate,’ I bellow back at her.

‘By the sea, how lovely. Richard and I often head out there to enjoy the sea air when the weather’s nice. Oh, you should meet him. Hang on.’ She turns and beckons a man to join us.

‘This is Richard,’ she says by way of introduction. ‘We’re covenanted at the moment, but we’re hoping Pastor Martin will give his blessing so we can get engaged soon.’

‘Is Pastor Martin your father?’ I ask.

‘No. Why?’

‘I was just curious why you’d need his permission to get engaged.’

‘It’s how things work in our church,’ Richard explains. ‘Pastor Martin is very worried about the divorce rate, so we take relationships and marriage very seriously.’

Sensing that this might be useful information for Sam, I decide to press him.

‘So what does that mean in practice?’ I ask. ‘I guess casual hook-ups are a no-no?’

‘Completely,’ Richard says seriously. ‘We strongly discourage any one-on-one socialising with members of the opposite sex unless you’re covenanted.’

‘What does it mean to be covenanted?’

‘If you want to spend one-on-one time with someone, you both have to sign a covenant. It’s like an agreement that sets out the boundaries of what is acceptable.’

‘I see,’ I tell him. ‘What kinds of things are covered by this covenant?’

‘We’re allowed to hold hands when we’re in public,’ Bernice explains. ‘We’re allowed to kiss on the cheek, but not the mouth. Hugging is also permitted as long as it’s A frame and doesn’t last more than five seconds.’

‘Seems a bit severe,’ I remark.

‘It’s to prevent temptation. Kissing on the mouth, bringing the genitals into close proximity, these could very quickly lead to things getting out of hand. We believe any form of sexual contact is strictly prohibited outside marriage.’

Oh, Sam isn’t going to like that at all.

‘But isn’t there a risk that people will rush into marriage so they can have sex?’ I ask. ‘I’d have thought that would drive the divorce rate up, not down.’

‘That’s why we have the process we do,’ Bernice tells me. ‘You have to be covenanted for at least a year before you can submit an engagement request to Pastor Martin, and he’ll only allow you to marry once you’ve completed the relevant courses and workshops successfully. The whole process can take up to five years, but it obviously works because our divorce rate is practically non-existent.’

Poor Sam. She’ll be climbing the walls in frustration if she has to go through this. A thought comes to me.

‘So, once you’re covenanted, you’re allowed to see each other one-on-one, right?’ I say to Bernice.

‘That’s right, yes.’

‘But who polices it? You could be bonking each other’s brains out and nobody would know.’

Bernice smiles wryly. This obviously isn’t the first time she’s been asked this question. ‘Part of the covenanting agreement is that you both attend an accountability group every week.’

‘A what?’

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