Page 11 of Hook, Line and Single

‘Can’t we just go for the social time then?’

‘No, because what if my future husband asks about something that happened in the service? I need all the facts.’

‘Oh, for God’s sake!’

‘Well, for my sake really,’ she quips. ‘But I assume God will be there too.’

‘Fine. I’ll come. But this is a one-time deal, OK? If you decide you need repeat visits, you’re strictly on your own.’

She kisses me lightly on the cheek. ‘You’re the best friend a person could wish for, you know that?’

‘Yeah, yeah,’ I grumble.

* * *

Sam’s friend Sasha was not wrong. When we pull into the car park on Sunday morning, we find ourselves outside a building that looks more like a warehouse than a church. No sooner are we out of the car than a middle-aged woman in a polo shirt bearing the church logo approaches us.

‘Hi,’ she says brightly. ‘I’m Maddie, one of the welcome team. Forgive me, as I have a terrible memory for faces, but I don’t think I’ve seen you before. Is this your first time here?’

‘That’s right,’ Sam tells her. ‘I’m Sam and this is my best friend Ruby.’

‘Wonderful to meet you both!’ Maddie says in a tone that implies that our arrival has made her day. ‘Come along inside and I’ll introduce you to some people.’

It takes a moment for my eyes to adjust to the comparative gloom indoors after the bright sunshine outside, but when they do, I can see the place is packed. Sam is right too; although there are a number of older people, I would estimate that at least half the people in here are our age or younger.

‘I’ll take you over to say hi to Geoff,’ Maddie yells over the din of conversation. ‘He’s our adult and young families coordinator.’ We follow her round the side of the auditorium until she spots her target, which isn’t hard, to be fair. Geoff must be well over six feet tall, with sandy-coloured hair and glasses. He’s wearing another branded polo shirt but, where Maddie’s is black, his is bright green.

‘Geoff,’ Maddie says brightly. ‘This is Sam and Ruth. It’s their first time, so I thought you might like to look after them and show them the ropes.’

‘Absolutely,’ Geoff beams as Maddie hurries off, presumably to welcome other people. ‘Welcome, Sam. Welcome, Ruth.’

‘It’s Ruby,’ I correct him.

‘Ruby, I do apologise. Maddie does get a little muddled up with names sometimes. Did she tell you I’m the coordinator for the adults and young families? We tend to sit together, unless there’s a baptism or something. I’ll show you where the others are.’

As we follow him into the thick of the crowd, I can’t help wondering whether having Maddie as a welcomer, with her self-confessed poor memory for faces and inability to remember names, is a good idea. I’m just about to say as much to Sam when Geoff speaks again.

‘This area here is where we all sit. I know it looks a bit bare now, but the service is going to start in a few minutes, so it’ll fill up pretty quickly. Do you mind me asking what brings you here today?’

As Sam tells him some cock-and-bull story about searching for meaning in her life, a large countdown timer appears on screen and a voice comes over the PA system asking people to take their seats. Sure enough, barely a minute later, all the seats around us have filled up. Geoff is obviously popular, as many of them greet him enthusiastically. The seats next to me are taken by a young, earnest-looking couple.

‘Ruby, this is Taylor and Ben,’ Geoff tells me, leaning over Sam. ‘This is Ruby, guys, and her friend Sam. They’re new.’

‘Lovely to meet you both,’ Taylor says, extending her hand to shake ours.

‘Taylor and Ben met each other right here at church,’ Geoff tells us enthusiastically, causing Sam to raise her eyebrows at me in an ‘I told you so’ way. ‘They were married last year and had their first baby three months ago. How is Reuben?’

‘He’s just a blessing every day,’ Taylor tells him. ‘We’re so looking forward to his welcome service next month.’

‘Is that like a christening?’ I ask her, curious in spite of myself.

‘No. In our church, we practise adult baptism. Have you dedicated your life to the Lord?’

‘Umm, not exactly, no.’

‘That’s fine. There are people here at all stages of their spiritual journey. We run a number of courses that you might find interesting. I’m sure Geoff will give you all the information. Anyway, once someone has reached the stage where they’re ready to say “Yes” to Jesus, we prepare them for baptism. For babies, we have a welcome ceremony, where we welcome them into the church and pray for them. It’s really moving.’

Thankfully, before Taylor can probe any further into my Christian faith, or lack of it, the countdown clock reaches zero and the band walk out onto the stage. A couple of loud guitar chords sound and the audience whoops delightedly. For the next twenty minutes, it feels almost like I’m at a rock concert. The atmosphere is very similar; the audience are on their feet, waving their hands and swaying in time to the music. Only the song lyrics and bursts of prayer between songs remind me that I’m in a church. I have to admit, as productions go, it’s pretty slick. The band leader gives the appearance that he’s deciding which lyrics to repeat purely on the spur of the moment, but the way the band are effortlessly going along with it makes me think that this surface spontaneity is in fact strictly choreographed and rehearsed. Just as I’m starting to feel sensory overload coming on from the loud music, the lights and the images projected onto the huge screens, the band leader wraps things up in a final thundering crescendo and the audience erupts with cheers and shouts. Someone on the other side of the hall yells, ‘Yeah, thank you, Jesus,’ at the top of his voice, and a chorus of ‘Amens’ rattle around him like machinegun fire. It’s exhausting.

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