Page 79 of Even if You Fall

I forced myself to slow, to pull away, but ended up drawing back in for one last brush of my lips against hers before asking, “Did that feel like a lie?”

Her eyes slowly lifted to mine, and without saying anything at all, I knew her answer.

It hadn’t, but trusting herself wasn’t something that would come easily again.

I trailed the tips of my fingers along her cheek and into her long hair as I warred over what all to tell her. “I meant everything I said to you,” I finally began, repeating my earlier words, “but that doesn’t make this any easier for me.”

I pressed my thumb under her jaw and tilted her head back to keep her eyes on me when she started visibly shutting down, and told her, “Chloe, I don’t let myself do this. I haven’t dated anyone in...” A huff left me when I realized just how long it’d been. “Over a decade. At first, it was because we were gone so often for missions and involved in things that none of us needed to bring back to anyone. After...well, I didn’t come back as unscarred as I thought.”

Chloe’s brows drew close, but the worry on her face wasn’t for what I might tell her—it was for me. And the hand still on my chest felt like comfort as she pressed it ever so slightly harder against me.

Like she was silently letting me know she was there.

But she didn’t know.

“So, I didn’t date because I refused to let myself fall,” I went on, the hand on her waist gripping tighter in warning. “I refused to let myself havethisbecause it’s dangerous, and I wouldn’t put anyone in that position. But the thought of it beingyou? Chloe, it terrifies me.”

Her eyes searched mine before she asked, “How is this dangerous?” Letting me know in that innocent and loaded question that she hadn’t overheard the majority of my conversation with Rush.

I didn’t answer right away. I took my time studying her as I let my thumb brush along her jaw and over her bottom lip before finally saying, “You get freaked, I’ll understand.”

“Adam...” My name left her on a strained breath.

“I won’t hold it against you,” I vowed. “Clearly. I’ve been trying to get myself to walk awayforyou because this isn’t something to take lightly.”

“I see that,” she said on a panicked sounding laugh. “But everything I’m coming up with is probably a lot worse than whatever it is, so just tell me.”

Yeah, I doubted that.

With a steeling breath, I forced myself to release her and took a few steps away before telling her everything.

How I’d thought I’d been one of the lucky ones to end that kind of military career without any real injuries—physical or otherwise. And how a few months after moving to Texas to work for Asher, I’d woken up whispering positions and instructions like the rest of the team was there with me, breaching a compound. But even though I’d only been about to breach my unoccupied bathroom, I’d still had the butt of a rifle pressed against my shoulder.

I’d bought the gun safe the next day.

How, even though I now locked all my weapons up at night, I still woke up doing the same with phantom weapons in my hands. And how, on even more occasions, I’d woken restraining a pillow, the comforter, a broken lamp,nothing.

At some point in my confession, Chloe had sunk onto the foot of the bed as she silently listened, her eyes never leaving me as she nervously played with the ends of her hair. At some point, a pit of desperation had opened inside me because I knew we weren’t going to make it past this conversation. And even though I was sure that was for the best, everything inside me was demanding I do whatever was necessary to keep the girl who was never supposed to mean anything to me, let alone meanthis...whateverthiswas.

And yet, I didn’t stop talking until she knew every awful detail.

“Now you know,” I said past the knot of barbed wire stuck in my throat. “It’s dangerous to be near me when I’m asleep. It’s dangerous to bewithme.”

She hummed in acknowledgment or contemplation, I wasn’t sure. Either way, it had my lungs straining and my heart limping in my chest.

Her head slanted when she asked, “You said therapy didn’t work?”

My head moved in quick, tight shakes. “He just told me I was making it worse because I was afraid of it happening again, then prescribed me something that had me so messed up in other ways, I tried resigning from Shadow.” I rubbed at the back of my neck before making a motion with my hand that saidobviously that didn’t happen. “I got off it pretty quick.”

“Do you think he was right?” she asked gently, but not cautiously. “Do you think you make it worse because you’re afraid of it?”

I bit back my automatic denial and said, “It doesn’t matter,” instead. “Whether the first time was a fluke thing, or not, it still happened. And I don’t know how not to be afraid of it happening again, so if that’s why it’s still happening, I can’t stop it.”

She didn’t respond to that. She didn’t say anything as a minute came and went. And then another.

Just as I was about to beg her to say anything, she said, “Therapy...that’s why you pulled away this morning.” Her hazel eyes darted to mine. “Right? When we were talking about my parents?” When I nodded, she did the same, the action seeming distracted. “Have you ever considered going to a different therapist?”

“No.”

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