Page 77 of Even if You Fall

I choked over the words, not wanting to say them, even though Rush was already more than aware of the demons I fought. The whole team was, even though it wasn’t talked about because they knew it was a hard limit for me.

But we didn’t keep secrets from each other—we couldn’t afford it. We knew and trusted each other with our lives on a higher level than even my own siblings, which is why it was so surprising Rush had kept something like being in love with Briggs’ sister from anyone, but especially Briggs. The two of them had been best friends since they were kids.

But if anyone would understand my hesitation, it was my team. “I can’t let this happen,” I finally said.

Rush’s eyes narrowed as if he was trying to figure out what I was really saying. “Has anything happened?”

I wavered for a moment. “Not much, but more than I should’ve allowed.” At the tick of his eyebrow, I told him, “She’s different, and she knows it. And I know I need to shut it down and stay far from her, but it’s like I see her and forget all reason.”

His stare shifted to the side for a while in contemplation. “Have you told her?”

“No.” The word burst from me on a horrified breath.

“Think you should.”

“What would that do?” I asked. “Other than make her think there’s something wrong with me.”

His eyes snapped back to me. “There’s nothing wrong with you.”

“I wake up breaching rooms in my own apartment like I’m back on a mission,” I hissed. “I wake up restraining inanimateobjects like they’re targets. Tell me again there’s nothing wrong with me.”

He held my stare. “That’s a trauma response, Thatch. We all have our own. There’s nothing wrong with you.”

“And when I think she’s a target?” I asked, dropping my voice even lower. “When Itake her out? What happens then?”

Rush studied me a few seconds longer before releasing a short breath as he dragged his fingers through his beard. “I can’t answer that, but?—”

“I can.”

“But,” he said again, his tone unyielding, “I think you should be having this conversation with Briggs.” When my head began shaking, he continued. “Told you, we all have our trauma responses. And there’re some things he refuses to tell anyone—and I meananyone. But I know he told Lainey like it was therapy. I know ithelped. I know he’s able to handle things he’s never been able to because of her—because of who she is to him.”

I considered that while wondering exactly how many of us were keeping secrets from each other when I hadn’t thought that was something we did before this conversation.

Still, it didn’t lessen the knot of dread whenever I thought of letting myself continue deeper into this thing with Chloe than we already were. “Unless Briggs’ stuff could kill Lainey, this isn’t the same.”

“If Chloe really is different for you, then she deserves to know.”

I didn’t respond to that. There was no point in going around and around on this.

A conversation with Chloe about how I hadn’t come back from all those overseas missions as good as I’d originally thought wasn’t going to change that I might do something irreversible and unforgiveable in my sleep.

Folding my arms over my chest, I asked, “So, where are you taking her?”

Surprise splashed across his face. “That changed fast,” he muttered. “Already said I don’t have to be the one to.”

“It shouldn’t be me,” I said decisively.

“I’m not sure you want it to be anyone but you.”

“Can’t be me,” I reluctantly amended. “Where?”

“Technically, wherever. Briggs suggested actually going to Aruba,” he said as if it was the last place he wanted to go. But I guess I could understand if he’d finally gotten an excuse to see Peyton again, only to have to leave twenty-four hours later. “Briggs, Lainey, and Kaia are headed somewhere else tonight since Lainey’s text made it clear everyone we were trying to keep safe was elsewhere.”

“All right,” I said with a forced nod.

“You don’t have to come, but now that I’m here, I have a feeling you’re gonna.”

I didn’t respond to that because I wasn’t sure what my response would be; I just asked, “When are you supposed to leave?”

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