Page 8 of Even if It Hurts

Despite the weight on my chest and fresh tears pricking my eyes, a laugh tumbled free as I joined her.

Once we had our coffee made and were at the kitchen table, she looked at me, eyes alight with excitement. “Now, tell me all about your studies and what you want to do.”

And just like that, all the shame and guilt and worry faded away as years of dreams came pouring out.

As soon as Aunt Ada left the other morning, I’d gone straight to the blueberry fields and diligently stayed in them until the sun began dipping below the horizon, desperately trying not to upset my parents any further. The days following had been filled with nonstop prep work to get our property ready for picking season and near-constant barbs from my sister. I had a feeling today wouldn’t be any different.

The work had all been so familiar that I could’ve done it in my sleep. But the heaviness these fields usually created in my soul was nothing compared to then. My spirit ached and longed for the freedom I’d felt just a week before—for the passion and excitement I felt whenever I so much as thought about helping young kids learn something new.

“My favorite part of every day,” Wren said as we crested a small hill that overlooked the fields, her smile softer, more wistful, than usual as she looked at me from the passenger seat of the UTV. “Isn’t it beautiful?”

“It really is,” I replied truthfully.

There was no denying that our property was something to look at, especially with the sunrise as a backdrop to the ripened fields. But it didn’t pull at me. It didn’t call to me. The weightof that realization made me feel more alone than I could truly understand or begin to describe. But this wasn’t about me, and I knew this wasn’t another backhanded dig from my sister.

Despite her flightiness and penchant for disappearing at the most inopportune times, she loved these fields. Her wild heart had always been tamed by them, and I’d caught her listening in on too many of the business training sessions with my dad to count.

But Wren wasn’t who our dad wanted to take over.

Wren wasn’t even on his radar when it came to the farm.

Before I could bring the UTV to a stop, she was jumping out and racing into the fields to check the bushes the way she liked to. The way I knew I was supposed to. But I took my time shutting off the vehicle and drawing in slow, deep breaths before starting in the direction she’d gone.

“Lainey.”

My head whipped to the side at the disapproving use of my name to find my dad marching toward me. It wasn’t until he was directly in front of me, continuing in that same, criticizing tone that I realized I’d started holding my breath at some point.

“Shoulda been here five minutes ago.”

I might’ve laughed at such a ridiculous statement if I hadn’t known he was being serious.

“I’m sorry,” I began and clenched my hands together. “Wren was finishing breakfast.”

“And in an hour, she’ll have left to do something else,” he said on an incredulous huff. “Wren does what she does. Our success and failure don’t depend on her; they depend on you.”

Even if he hadn’t jammed his index finger into my chest with the last few words, driving home his point, I would’ve felt the full weight of them. Felt those chains rise up from the ground and curl around me as if I needed another reminder that I was stuck here. “Yes, sir.”

“We’re already behind because you demanded to have that vacation in Tennessee; we can’t afford to have you coming in late right before picking season.”

My mouth had parted to remind him I’d been working my butt off to get my masters, but a bright, “Yes, sir,” left me instead.

He nodded back the way he’d come. “Let’s head to the office. We’re gonna go over invoices and promotions, then I need you back out here, checking all the sugar levels Wren’s probably doing wrong.”

“She knows?—”

“What’d I say?”

My head bobbed before lowering completely under his exasperated glare. Still, I somehow managed to keep my tone light and airy when I replied, “Yes, sir.”

I followed him to the office, looking toward the bushes to see if Wren had been within hearing distance. But she was already lost in the blueberries, as I knew she would be for hours to come.

Forcing the smile I’d been using for years, I sat at the desk, carefully listened, and went through the motions my dad expected me to. Ones that were meant to help me seamlessly take his place one day. Ones I never wanted to do again, yet I found myself worrying over making even the smallest mistake.

And as I stepped out of the office hours later, that ever-present weight seemed to drag me down to the rich earth beneath my feet, warning me I might not ever be able to leave.

With a stifled breath, I glanced longingly toward the UTV—toward home. I wanted to research schools in the area. I wanted to start applying to them. I wanted to start making the dream I’d been working toward come true.

“Looks like you didn’t forget everything during your vacation.” At the sound of my dad’s stern tone, my attention snapped back to the rows of bushes in front of us just before hestopped beside me. “I’ll shadow you through the fields. Impress me more out here than you did in there.”

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