Page 6 of Even if It Hurts

Jackson rocked back a step, a heaving breath leaving him as he roughed his hands through his hair and over his face. “No, I—I don’t know, Lainey. Everything feels like that right now,” he admitted, then looked off to the side like he was contemplating leaving, or maybe the past six years were just playing out in front of him the way they were for me.

After nearly a minute, his pained eyes met mine again. “You walked up to me after your ceremony, smiling so bright like you just expected me to be excited and on board for this teaching thing you were laying out like I hadn’t just taken a sledgehammer to the chest. Like your family hadn’t.”

That wasn’t exactly how I remembered it.

After my professor had unknowingly dropped a live grenade between my family and me, I’d started crying and apologizing profusely. Asking them to forgive me while explaining the adjustment to my academic career, which had then turned into a harried ramble of what I wanted to do. I remembered reaching for Jackson, only to withdraw my hand when I noticed the stare that had haunted me ever since.

ThatI don’t even know you anymorestare.

Again, I knew I deserved it; knew this entire situation was my problem, my mess to clean up.

Didn’t make his words sting any less.

“I am excited,” I finally said. “I’m excited at the thought of teaching and helping kids, but I never once expected you to just jump on board, especially after the way you found out.” I pressed a hand to my chest and admitted, “I’ve been terrified for when everyone would find out.”

“Including me.”

My chest twisted at the ache and disbelief in his voice. “I didn’t know how to tell anyone,” I began, the words soft as they scraped past the knot of emotion in my throat. “Going to school had already been such a fight because it ‘wasn’t necessary’ and pushed back everyone’s timeline. Y’all just expected me to stay here and take over. And after listening to my parents’ expectations for so many years, I couldn’t imagine anyone being okay with me wanting to do anything remotely different in school. So, I just?—”

“Lied.”

I studied his hardened features for a moment, my head subtly nodding. “Yeah.” When minutes passed in excruciating silence, I asked, “How do we get past this?”

A huff left him, his broad chest pitching with the action, as he crossed the grass and climbed the porch steps. His movements much more careful than ever before as his gaze slowly swept over me.

The unfamiliarity in his stare and the cautious way he erased the distance between us had dread reaching up and gripping at my lungs until I was a shaky mess, struggling to take a breath.

But then he was in front of me. His large hands cradled my face, tipping my head back as he studied me, giving me a clear view of all that pain and anger before he murmured, “Frustrating to be this hurt by you and so in love with you.”

I took a staggering step toward him when he released me and started past me, but held my ground when he glanced over his shoulder.

“Just...just give me time, Lainey,” he softly pled before stalking across the porch and around the corner of the house, leaving me alone with the weight of my choices and mistakes. Leaving me trembling as I sank to a crouch, hand clasped to mymouth to quiet my cries as I second-guessed my decisions for the first time.

“If it isn’t my favorite Ray of Sunshine,” a familiar voice called out a few minutes later, startling me and snapping my head in the direction Jackson had gone.

A shaky smile tugged at my lips, and I hurriedly wiped at my cheeks when I saw my great-aunt ambling toward me.

Her eyebrows lifted when she got a good look at me. “Well, it seems my Ray isn’t quite so sunny today.”

A breath that was equal parts amusement and self-deprecation left me as I stood and accepted one of her warm hugs. “You shouldn’t have made Jackson come here.”

“Nonsense,” she said with a scoff as she grabbed my shoulders, holding me back to study me. “You need to own your decisions and move forward with your life. You can’t do either if everyone’s avoiding talking about what happened.”

“They aren’t talking because they’re mad,” I said slowly, wondering how she didn’t understand. “Mom and Dad feel betrayed, and Jackson is—” I pressed my lips tightly together as memories of my life with him danced through my mind.

The adorable boy who’d chased me through fields and taught me to fish. The swoon-worthy teen who’d swept me off my feet between stolen kisses and trying to escape the rest of the world. The gorgeous guy who’d been at the center of every plan I’d changed without telling a soul. The man who’d grown more and more distant over the years and had looked at me like he didn’t know me when everything had come to light a couple days ago. The man who’d said our life was alie.

“He’s so hurt, Aunt Ada,” I finally said. “I messed up.”

Aunt Ada hummed, her head bobbing before she agreed, “Keeping the truth from anyone is always the wrong choice. Lying—even by omission—is always the wrong choice. But choosing a future that’s best foryou?” She patted my cheekand sent me a conspiratorial wink. “Couldn’t be prouder, Lainey Ray.”

The backs of my eyes burned, but I blinked away the threat of new tears. “Even though I don’t want to work for the farm?”

“Do you see me working here?” she asked as her smile widened. “Now, I want to hear all about this plan you have for your life now. Your mom said something about teaching at the high school?”

“Preschool.” Excitement swept through my veins at the smallest thought, and all those doubts I’d had just minutes before bled away because I’d never felt a fraction of this kind of passion for my family’s farm.

Aunt Ada clicked her tongue as pride glittered in her aging eyes. “Young kids need someone as effortlessly joyful and patient as you to keep up with them and help guide them. I can’t think of anyone better, and I can’t think of anything better foryou, my Ray of Sunshine.”

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