Page 68 of Even if It Hurts

“My first day.”

I wasn’t sure I should feel as much relief as I did at that. I’d clearly upset her enough that even her sister knew me asThe Jerk. But to know it wasn’t a title she’d given me after this week gave me...I don’t know. Hope?

With a subtle lift of my shoulders, I said, “You aren’t wrong.”

“But I—” Lainey paused for long seconds before releasing a harsh breath. Her eyes lifted to mine, sadness welling deep inside them before she abruptly twisted away and cut through rows of blueberries the wooden signs were specifically leading us away from.

I glanced at all the people walking to and from the fields, not really paying us any attention, before following. Even if I hadn’t had Kaia’s constant rambling as a guide, I had no doubt I would’ve been able to easily follow the trail of pain and uncertainty Lainey left in her wake.

“It’s funny,” she began when I reached where she was deep in a row, running her fingers over a bunch of berries and picking one off, “I wanted to explain myself but realized how hypocritical that was of me.”

“Then let me explain.”

“No,” she murmured, the dullness of her tone so at odds with how bright her expression was for Kaia. Eyes dancing with light and excitement, nose scrunching up adorably as my niece showed Lainey some of the blonde curls in her grasp, smile only barely tainted with her pain.

“Lainey—”

“You can’t,” she said over me, almost matter-of-factly, as she squished the blueberry between her fingers before feeding it to Kaia. “If you could explain, you would’ve at some point this week. No waiting for me to give you theokay, you would’ve just talked over me the way you always do. But youcan’tbecause you don’t lie.” Her stare shot to me, and like a switch had flipped, the light in her eyes was replaced with that devastating sadness that tore at every part of me. “And that’s exactly what any explanation you’d try to give me would be.”

“I haven’t because you told me not to,” I argued. “You asked me torespect youby not telling you. I haven’t because I—”I drew in a quick breath and roughed my hand over my jaw. “Because I think it’d be better if you hated me. Safer.”

A line of suspicion formed between her eyebrows. “Safer how?”

Iwouldn’t be in danger of crossing lines I’m not supposed to as your employer or as a man who doesn’t want to destroy a relationship,I thought to myself.I wouldn’t be the reason you ever get on the Wrecker’s radar again.

“A lot of reasons,” I answered vaguely and watched as her suspicion grew before she turned to pick another blueberry.

Once she’d squished it between her fingers and given it to Kaia, she asked, “Jack Ryanreasons orupsetting me againreasons?”

I ground my jaw at the reminder of how I’d hurt her, as if our every interaction this week and her devastating expressions weren’t enough.

“I guess both,” I finally said.

A humming sound rose in her throat as she put her entire focus on my niece again, subtly dancing with her and echoing her nonsensical babble for a few seconds before she shifted Kaia so she was facing the massive tree-like bushes in front of us. Gently taking the bunches of berries in her free hand again, Lainey began whispering to Kaia all about the fruit and what to look for when picking them between feeding her squished berries.

And I just stood there, watching the entire thing with rapt attention, not wanting to miss any part of the joy that poured from Lainey when she spent time with Kaia. Then again, I had a feeling I could easily watch the two of them together for hours.

That pit in my stomach whenever I looked at Kaia wasn’t so pronounced. That guilt wasn’t so suffocating. And I knew it had everything to do with their obvious adoration for each other rather than my own healing from losing my brother.

But with Lainey, life with Kaia felt doable. The thought of not having her around to help me through it was what had that suffocation setting back in. But with each fierce beat of my heart whenever my gaze focused solely on Lainey, taking her in and trying to commit every part of her to memory, I knew it wasn’t the thought of not having her help—it was not having her there at all.

Messing up my immaculate life. Stunning me with that effortless smile. Forcing my numb heart into a frenzy.

“You keep sayingweandus,” I said as she bent to set Kaia’s bare feet on the soil, a bright laugh leaving her when Kaia immediately pulled her feet back up. At Lainey’s questioning hum, I continued. “You were saying it earlier too, when we first got here—about the farm. Sayingweanduslike you were claiming the farm.”

Lainey went still for a second before slowly glancing at me. But just as soon as her eyes met mine, they fell to Kaia again as her tiny feet finally pressed to the earth beneath her. “Is there a question there?”

“Just wondering if you’ve changed your thinking on your expected role here—if you’re reconsidering everything,” I said, trying to gently ease into it whengentlehad never been something I was good at.

Lainey was silent as she helped Kaia take a handful of clumsy steps before setting her on the soft ground and sitting beside her.

“I don’t know,” she finally said with an anguished sound that had me dropping to a crouch on the other side of Kaia so I could better study Lainey’s pain and indecision. “I don’t want to, but I?—”

“Hey,” I whispered at the choked sound that left her. Reaching for her, I lifted her face as heavy tears raced down her cheeks. “Lainey, look at me.” The command came out more of a plea when she shifted her head to the side.

A lifetime of avoiding physical contact and soul-bearing conversations, yet I wanted nothing more than to stay right there. Brushing away her tears and listening to anything she offered me. “I told you, if working for me is making things too difficult for you, I’ll find someone else.”

“I don’t want this,” she said between clenched teeth as her tear-filled eyes met mine. “I don’t want this to be my life, Asher, but my dad’s dying, and now they’re blaming me for his inability to rest because I haven’t taken over.”

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