Page 26 of Even if It Hurts

That woman was going to ruin me.

Ihadn’t made it more than a handful of feet into my apartment that night before I stopped; body going so still that it was nearly painful as I took in my surroundings without moving. From the toys, books, and blankets left haphazardly in the living room to the scattered notebooks and bags I could just barely catch a glimpse of in the kitchen. Country music was playing through my speakers, and Kaia was crying somewhere in the apartment. Again.

By the time I was able to move, my lungs felt strained, my jaw and fists were clenched tight, and my muscles were twitching restlessly as I tried ignoring the feeling that was quick to overwhelm me whenever disorder spilled into my life. Like I was back in the trailer I’d grown up in, surrounded by drugs, filth, insects, and who knew what else.

“Miss Pearson,” I called out, her name snapping from me when I got a clearer view of the kitchen and saw it was even worse than the living room.

For a split second, silence filled the apartment as the song drifted to a close, and Kaia’s screams stopped. But then she started up again, full force, just before the source of my torment for the past nine months came rushing out of the hall with myscreaming niece in her arms, her eyes widening when she saw me.

“Hey—hi,” she stammered and quickly brushed at curls that had fallen before wrapping both arms around Kaia again. “You’re back.”

“It’s after five,” I informed her.

“Oh...” A whisper of surprise settled over her expression as she glanced around as if looking to confirm that before she released a heaving breath. “Well, okay. Sorry, I wasn’t expecting you yet.”

“I can see that.”

At the frustration in my words, she blinked up at me, seemingly taken aback.

“I’m not paying you to destroy my apartment, Miss Pearson.”

A stunned sound burst from her, but just when it looked like she’d snap back, she smiled instead and gently assured me, “Your apartment is fine, Mr. Briggs.”

“Asher.”

“Lainey,” she countered just as calmly as before, then waved her hand to the disaster behind me. “I had some things delivered, and I haven’t finished?—”

“Delivered,” I echoed, the word coming out low and harsh. “You had things delivered here?” At her hesitant nod, I demanded, “Why?”

“For Kaia,” she clarified. “You had the essentials, but there was still a lot that was needed for her and for you. To help you with her.” When I just stared at her, she hurried to add, “I was putting it all away between playing with her, but slowed down and lost track of time because...well...” She gestured to where Kaia was now softly crying.

I glanced at my niece for only a second before my gaze fell to the floor. It was like taking a dull knife to the chest and thecruelest reminder of who I’d lost every time I looked at her. “Can’t you get her to stop crying?”

A breathless laugh left Lainey. “She’s a baby, Mr. Briggs.”

“Asher,” I reminded her as my attention snapped back to her.

Lainey’s head slanted in acceptance as she continued, repeating the words I’d given to the social worker that morning, “Babies cry. Kaia’s also very tired.”

“You got her to sleep earlier,” I unnecessarily reminded her. “Can’t you do that again?”

“In a perfect world, sure,” she said with a brief, exhausted smile that in no way dulled how beautiful it was. “But I’ve been researching babies and their different stages all day. She needs to be on a sleep schedule so she’ll sleep through the night. I let her sleep for a little while this morning, but she refused to nap this afternoon. And if you’re here, then it’s probably time for her to eat.”

I wasn’t sure I’d ever felt as lost as I did right then, listening to this woman talk about the baby in her arms.

I’d raised myself and my younger siblings. I’d kept us fed, gotten us to school and back each day, and had figured out how to wash our clothes at the laundromat. I’d gone from a kid just trying to make it out of a trailer park alive to the leader of a Special Forces team to the owner of an extremely successful private security company.

But this? Sleep schedules and feeding a crying baby that I couldn’t even look at? It had a panic I’d never known creeping into my veins.

And then it hit me—I didn’t even know what to feed Kaia. I hadn’t been the one to feed her since the social worker dropped her off. I hadn’t even been around when the rest of my teamhad.

“Right,” I finally said, refusing to give voice to any of my doubts and worries. I’d figured it all out once, and that wasbefore smartphones. I could do it again. “Give me the receipts from today so I can reimburse you, then leave.”

Lainey’s eyebrows drew tightly together before she shakily nodded.

I watched as she swept past me into the living room, seeming to shrink in on herself as she held Kaia close. As soon as I realized she was collecting the scattered books and straightening up, I said, “Leave, Miss Pearson.”

She froze with her back to me for long seconds before carefully placing the book she’d just grabbed on the small pile she’d already made. With a slow exhale, she turned, her steps quick but careful as she moved to the kitchen.

---