Page 101 of Even if It Hurts

Finding someone who consumed your every thought. Someone you couldn’t imagine living without. Someone who challenged you to be better and made you better just by being in your life.

Someone you would destroy the world to protect, even if it meant destroying yourself.

With how fast my pulse was racing by the end of my revelation, I was sure that, for as much as I wanted nothing to do with the notion, I was in love with Lainey Pearson.

Not that it stopped the flashes tormenting me. Not that it changed anything about my past. But as I’d suspected, Lainey was already helping me through some of the worst parts of my childhood without even trying to. And it made me think that, whenever she did fall in love with me, I’d be craving to hear those words from her.

“What happens?” I finally said and listened to the questioning hum shakily rise in her throat. “I fire you.”

Lainey shifted back, bemusement tearing across her face, but I continued before she could speak. “I buy you a ring. I ask if you’ll help me raise Kaia. Then I ask you to spend the rest ofyour life with me.” I studied the awe and longing filling her eyes before murmuring, “That’s what happens.”

“’Kay,” she whispered as a smile slowly stole across her face, making her look so beautiful in the darkened room.

“And somewhere in there, you become a preschool teacher,” I said, bringing up the detail she’d briefly given me earlier, and watched her entire expression light up. “That’s what you want?”

“Yeah, it—I love kids. Clearly.” A slightly self-conscious laugh left her. “There were field trip days at the farm, and I always loved those because I got to teach the kids things. I didn’t realize how much it meant to me until I went away to school.”

“Then that’s what you should do.” I gently trailed my hands up and down her back, trying to soothe away the doubt and indecision her family had instilled in her when it came to what Lainey wanted for her life. “Don’t let Kaia and me stop you from that now.”

“I’m not,” she said over me, her voice dripping with honesty. “I wouldn’t give up these days with Kaia for anything.”

I nodded, only to ask, “And what do you think about Kaia being raised here?”

Just like that, her face fell. “Asher, she needs you.”

“No, not—not that. I meant what I said earlier: Huntley’s nice.” I looked pointedly at the space around us. “Thisis what Kaia needs, not a penthouse apartment that...what was it you said? Feels cold and unlived in?”

Embarrassment washed over her as she buried her face in her hands. “I’m never being honest with you again,” she lied, forcing the corner of my mouth to twitch with amusement.

I curled one of my hands through hers, pulling them away from her face. “I wanna know what you think about Huntley forher.”

She slowly exhaled as she thought. “If I hadn’t been crushed under the weight of the farm, I would’ve never wanted to leaveHuntley for even a second. I love it here. It’s small and safe and there’s always something fun happening. Everyone knows everyone.” She gave me a small shrug. “It’s a great place to raise a family, and it’d be great for her.”

Just as I began nodding, she hurried to add, “But what about whatyouwant? Wherever you are, that’s where’s best for her. Your apartment’s perfect.”

“Even if yesterday hadn’t happened, you know it isn’t.”

Lainey shifted so she was leaning against the back of the couch and had her head resting on one of her hands. “You still think the Wreckers or whoever will come to where you live? That won’t change if you move.”

“Maybe not. I told you they can find anyone anywhere, but now I know they know where I live.”

Her head lifted from her hand as dread filled those mesmerizing eyes. “What? How?”

“After Wells left this morning, I waited long enough to make sure he was gone before leaving Rush in charge of the office. I visited everyone who knows about Kaia. Her social worker and pediatrician, some of the law enforcement and government officials who’d been involved in the case before I got her—the others we know to be upright people, so I didn’t bother with them. After that, I headed to the apartment building to talk with the workers.”

“You were there today?” she asked, looking crushed that she hadn’t known.

“You wouldn’t have wanted to see me then,” I informed her. “Someone told the mafia about Kaia...I needed to find out who.”

Surprise and something close to intrigue lit her expression. “What’d you do?”

“Nothing worth getting arrested over.”

Doubt sounded in her throat before she mouthed, “Jack Ryan.” A soft giggle leaving her when my eyes rolled.

“Anyway, I wasn’t getting anywhere, but the whole time, I couldn’t get the cops out of my head.”

“Because it took them so long to arrive,” she said softly, her understanding mixing with her worry about what I would reveal next.

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