Page 8 of Outside The Wire

Her voice called to me, beckoning me for help.

“Jade!” I called, out, scrambling to my feet in search of her. I had to find her before it was too late, before she did something she could never take back. This was my last chance to reach her. I’d missed the signs before, but this time…this time was different. I knew?—

Tires squealed behind me and the fog suddenly parted, leaving me with a clear view of the cemetery. The minivan roared to life, crashing through the peaceful grounds at full speed.

“No,” I whispered. “Not again.”

I closed my eyes, begging for this to end differently than every other night. I couldn’t take it. I couldn’t handle seeing her the same way every fucking time, but I knew nothing wouldchange. As if I was being pulled by an inescapable force, I started running, calling out to her, begging her not to leave me.

“Jade! Stop!”

I knew she wouldn’t stop. She never did. I could see it all playing out in front of me, the same as I did every night. The van was going to swerve into the tree. She was going to crash, and when she did, that would be it. My world would be cleaved in two again. The same as it had been that day in the cemetery. The day we buried her mother.

The day my life ceased to exist.

The day Asher White died.

The minivan crashed into the tree, spinning with the impact and rolling over before settling on its side—just like before.

All the air was sucked from my lungs as I ran with everything in me to get to her. I knew the outcome would be the same as every other time. She would be dead, lying on the grass with a broken neck. That’s what the doctor said.

Yet, I couldn’t make myself stop. There was no way to make my weak legs cease their forward motion. I was a puppet on strings, moving as my dream wanted me to, forced to relive this nightmare for the rest of time. It was my penance for failing her, for not seeing the signs of how she was struggling. For not seeing the dead look in her eyes as she fed someone else’s pills into her body day after day in an attempt to numb the screaming in her mind.

This was my life, and there was no moving on from it.

So, when I stepped around the van and saw her body on the ground, it wasn’t a surprise that my chest tightened painfully at the sight of her on the ground, despite the fact that I already knew she was there. Or that my eyes filled with tears and it became impossible to breathe, let alone see anything but her. I stumbled over to her, falling to my knees just like I did that day, cradling her limp body in my arms as I begged her not to leaveme, but I knew it was useless. She was really gone, and there was no changing that.

“Ash—”

I felt his hand on my shoulder the same as I had that day. Comfort was the last thing I deserved. I had done this to her. I knew it deep in my soul. There was nothing that could change the fact that I hadn’t been there for my wife. I hadn’t seen the signs or protected her when she needed me most, and now she was gone. It was my fault, and I was doomed to replay her death over and over in my head for all eternity.

I slid the ring from her finger as I leaned forward and kissed her. “I’m sorry I failed you.”

I leaned down to kiss her one last time, and just like every night before that, she disappeared before my very eyes, leaving me without the chance to say goodbye.

I tossedoff the covers and leaned over the edge of the bed, pressing my hands to my eyes to ward off the dream. Over the years, the dreams had gotten more intense, refusing to leave me behind. But at least I didn’t wake up screaming anymore. My subconscious woke me up before that could happen.

Still, it was a fucking terrible way to sleep.

I got up and stretched, staring at the clock on the nightstand. Fucking five o’clock in the morning. For once, I would like to actually sleep in. I couldn’t remember the last time in my life that I’d slept past seven in the morning. And that had only been if I’d gone to bed at some ungodly hour.

Walking over to the window, I brushed aside the curtain and looked out into the darkness. Snow had settled on the ground overnight, leaving the streets with a fresh coat that would make it easier to run in than if they were clean. At least I wouldn’t be competing with icy streets.

I dressed in my sweats and a long-sleeved shirt and sweatshirt, then pulled on a hat and scarf. I wasn’t exactly thrilled about running in the cold weather, but I wasn’t willing to go to the gym where women would ogle me. I’d done that for about a week before I’d decided it wasn’t for me.

I hit the streets at a steady pace, letting the cold air fill my lungs. In no time, the remnants of the dream were pushed to the back of my mind and the only thing that concerned me was what time I had to be at work. No longer did I carry a gun with me or look for an enemy around every corner.

Well, I tried not to. Old habits died hard.

Since that whole ordeal with Chase, I’d really learned to let go and live my life differently. I’d pushed away a lot of the anger and resentment of my old life and started to live in a way I could be happy. It wasn’t anything like I thought it would be. I’d had a roadmap all planned out, but Rafe had thrown a monkey wrench into all that. Jade had been an unexpected twist that threw my life for a loop. There was really no way to come back from what she had done to me.

But things were good now. I’d learned to forgive myself, to move on and forget the things I couldn’t change. I would never be Asher White again. He simply didn’t exist anymore.

By the time I got back from my run, it was time to get ready for work. I was now a mechanic, of all things. I smirked to myself as I thought of all the women at OPS who swooned over mechanics for some unknown reason I still didn’t understand. When I thought of the men and women I used to know, I thought of them fondly. They no longer brought bad memories with them, only good times that made me smile.

I never thought I’d see the day that I’d pull on coveralls and get grease under my nails every day, but here I was, a grease monkey for the local garage. It wasn’t my dream job, but it paid the bills.

Not that I needed it.

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