Page 40 of Outside The Wire

My eyes scanned the property until I finally found her halfway up the hill among all the other headstones of people who had passed. Slowly, I walked over to her, scared she would vanish before I could reach her. She was in a summer dress, surrounded by daisies as she sat beside a grave. My eyes drifted to the name on the headstone. It was her mother.

I sank down beside her, careful not to move too quickly. “Jade, why are you here?”

“You didn’t see.”

“See what?”

“Any of it.”

I tried to piece together what she was talking about, but it was difficult. When I was working that job, there was so much going on, so much I missed. She could have been talking about anything.

“What did I miss?”

Her eyes slowly rose to meet mine. “You missed all the signs. Just like with James.”

“No. No, James was different,” I argued.

“How?” she cocked her head at me. “Because it was war?”

I opened my mouth, trying to explain, but found no excuse.

“He put a bullet in his mouth. You should have known. You should have asked more questions. Why didn’t you?”

“I…I thought he was doing okay. We all struggled,” I tried to explain. “It’s never easy coming home. I thought?—”

“And what about me?”

I shoved a hand through my hair, frustrated that she was bringing this up again. “I didn’t see the signs. You were too good at hiding them.”

“Like when I slept all the time? Or when I was suddenly fine after having panic attacks? Didn’t you question that?”

I should have. I knew I should have.

“Or how about when you caught me going through my purse and jumping when you walked into the room? I was acting so guilty, yet I made an excuse, and you believed me. You didn’t even question me.”

“I—I wanted to trust you. I didn’t want you to think I thought you were lying to me.”

“Maybe you should have pushed more. If you had, I might still be here today.”

“I know that!”

“But you didn’t, Asher. You didn’t, and I killed myself.”

“I know?—”

“I was hurting and you did nothing.”

“Jade—”

“This is all because of you,” she said, spreading her arms wide. The daisies transformed into pills—an endless supply of pills and bottles with labels that didn’t match her name. She reached forward and grabbed a handful, then shoved them in her mouth.

“Stop! What are you doing?”

“You can’t save me now.”

I wrenched her hand away from her mouth, but she had already swallowed some. “Jade, don’t do this!”

“This is your penance, Asher. You will never escape me. We will live like this together, forever.” She grabbed another fistful and closed her eyes, shoving them in her mouth.

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