Page 130 of Outside The Wire

Now I was very curious. I leaned forward, almost desperate to hear the words about to come out of his mouth, hoping that whatever he said was really as life-changing as he thought, otherwise, I just didn’t see how we would make it.

“I told you about Jade taking all those pills. She had a very troubled past. I’m not going to tell you about that because…because that’s her story. But she was hurting, and she chose to steal her mother’s pills and self-medicate.”

“You told me all this.”

He nodded. “She was so out of control and I didn’t see it. There were times when I would walk in on her and it would seem like she was hiding things from me. Or she would be in the bathroom too long. Sometimes, she would sleep for hours past any normal amount of time. It all should have been a red flag to me, but I kept telling myself that the stress of the situation we were in accounted for all of it. There was just so much I was juggling, and I was trying to extract us from the situation, hoping we could leave that life behind and—I was hoping I could take her away from her father. Away from The Syndicate’s reach. I thought then she would be safe.”

“Would you have been?”

“With her father alive? Probably not. She would have been in hiding. I would have had to kill him.”

“So, what brought it all to a head?”

“Her father killed her mother. He’d been drugging her for years, keeping her in a catatonic state. We walked in on her in a lucid moment and…everything went to shit. Jade was shot. Patrick got there just in time and unloaded a magazine into her father, but her father got off a single shot and put a round right in her mother’s head. It was a fucking bloodbath. And Jade saw it all. For days…she just wasn’t there. She didn’t talk. She just stared at nothing. I should have seen it. I should have…”

“Asher…” I pressed my fingers to my lips, wishing I could take away his pain. Even all these years later, it was like he was still reliving it.

“After I buried Jade, I walked away from my life and everyone in it. I just couldn’t—there was no living without her. Ihad failed her in every way. I blamed myself for her death. For not getting her the help she needed. For not seeing how the pain had taken over and was eating away at her. I cut off all contact with everyone. But Chase and Patrick tracked me down. I was in a rundown house that was barely still standing. I was drunk more than I was sober. And every time I closed my eyes, Jade haunted me. I couldn’t escape her. I dreamed of her every night and woke up in a cold sweat, throwing up almost every time I dreamt of her crashing into that tree. I was in hell.

“I carried the pill bottle she had with her that final day. I thought about taking them and ending the pain, but I never went through with it. I was suicidal one minute and pissed as hell the next, ready to kill anyone who crossed my path. And then a storm came and I just lost it,” he said, lifting his gaze to mine.

I could hear the pain in his words, see how much her death had torn him in two. He wasn’t just hurting. He blamed himself and couldn’t escape from the hell of what had happened.

“I ran out to the truck and grabbed my gun. I was ready to end it right then,” he admitted. “Chase tried to stop me, but Patrick,” he chuckled. “He always had a different approach. He asked me why I hadn’t done it yet. If I wanted it to end so badly, why hadn’t I pulled the trigger?”

He shook his head and his brows pulled down as he remembered that day. For just a moment, he was back there, lost in the moment. I didn’t think, just got up from my seat and knelt in front of him, taking his hand in mine and squeezing. Surprised, his eyes locked on mine and whatever spell he was under was broken.

“You wanted to do it,” I said quietly.

He nodded. “This calm washed over me and I put the gun to my head. I was ready to do it. I closed my eyes and put my finger on the trigger, but Chase tackled me to the ground before I could do it. And then…and then the rain poured down on me andwashed away that feeling. It was just…gone. But I knew I would never be able to escape any of it as long as I was that man.”

“And that’s why you became someone else,” I said, finally understanding.

“Maybe that’s the coward’s way out, but I did what I needed to do to survive. I reinvented myself to escape her.”

I was off my knees and wrapped around him before he could even finish his sentence. I understood now. He was right. There was no doubt in my mind about his feelings for me or for Jade.

“Asher—” I took his face between my hands and kissed him. “Thank you for telling me. I wish…I wish I had just believed you on your word alone.”

“I understand why you didn’t.”

I wrapped my arms around him again and rested my head on his shoulders, closing my eyes as the words he said to me reverberated through my head. There was once a time I told him I loved him and he asked me to prove it to him. I hadn’t known what he meant then, but now I did. He wanted me to love him without knowing all of him, and I had failed.

“I’m sorry, Asher.”

“For what?”

I shook my head, feeling like a total ass. Yes, there was more to his story and I needed the truth, but he had good reason to hold back. “Let’s go to bed. I need you to hold me tonight.”

“Do you want to eat first?”

I shook my head. “I’m all filled up on Oreos.”

He chuckled, swiping at the corner of my mouth, then sucking his thumb into his mouth. “Tasty.”

“That’s so gross.”

“I’ve had other parts of your body in my mouth. I hardly think Oreo crumbs on the side of your mouth are that disgusting in comparison.”

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