Page 125 of Never Will I Ever

“Pen—”

“No, Kee,” Aspen cuts in, glancing at Keene before pointing at me. “He’s the fucking reason everything went to shit, all right? The reason we just went through hell all summer. The reason I almost lost you.”

“He might’ve been a catalyst—”

“That’s such bullshit,” Aspen mutters with a scoff, but Keene quickly pins him with a glare.

“Really? Correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t think Avery held you at gunpoint until you left the state for weeks on end. Without a word.” Despite Keene’s even tone, Aspen winces, and it’s clear I’m missing a chapter about the effects of my actions. But it’s also obvious there’s more to it thanjustmy involvement; a fact that Keene proves when he tacks on, “You and I are just as at fault for us falling apart last spring as he is.”

I feel slightly better by having this information—only slightly—and it’s short lived when Keene’s attention returns to me.

“But you’re right about one thing: What you did was fucked-up.”

My teeth sink into my cheek, and as I hold Keene’s mahoganygaze, a deeper sense of regret floods my chest. To the point where it might as well be an anvil pressing down on my ribs.

Because, as much as I will take the blame for the mistakes I’ve made, I’m getting tired of hearing that phrase from people. From myself too.

“There aren’t enough words to express how sorry I am,” I manage past the knot that’s lodged itself in my throat. “I might’ve laid out my reasoning behind my actions earlier this summer when I texted you, but in the end, I know they’re all excuses for the shittiest, most cowardly thing I’ve ever done.”

They both remain silent, their gazes locked on me. Aspen’s is still very much a scrutinizing glare, filled with heat and outrage, but Keene’s has shifted, regarding me with more curious contemplation than wariness now.

“What brought this on?” the latter finally asks.

Spending weeks in the forest falling in love with a person I want to be worthy of.

“I’ve done a lot of work on myself this summer,” I go with instead, mostly because explaining every clandestine detail of my summer with Kaleb will take way too long. “Like I said, I’m not the same person who outed you or said all those vile things to you last year. At least, I really don’t want to be. The first way I could think of to prove it was by taking responsibility for my actions and apologizing. Face-to-face.”

There’s another unbearable silence, covering us like a weighted blanket, but I restrain myself from breaking it and sit in the discomfort of the moment instead.

God knows I forced them into one far worse.

“You are different,” my ex-teammate confirms eventually.

I drag my gaze up to find him staring at me with intrigue, but it’s quickly yanked away by Aspen’s scoff.

“Kee, you can’t actually believe—”

“I can, actually,” Keene snaps, his voice sharpening for the firsttime. “You think you’re the only person who can do a little soul searching and come out the other side with a new perspective?”

“No, but—”

Keene glares up at him, halting his thought mid-sentence. “If you deserve forgiveness, don’t you think he might too?”

“I don’t deserve it,” I break in, my gaze flicking from one to the other. “After treating you both the way I did, forgiveness is the last thing I deserve. That’s why I’m not asking for it. But if you’re willing to offer it, then I’m going to prove myself worthy of it.”

In reality, I know this is only the first step of many to make amends for what I’ve done to them. No amount of apologizing can reverse what I did that day, and it definitely can’t give them back the time they lost because of it.

That’s a feeling I know better than anything.

“I’m just glad I didn’t ruin what the two of you have,” I find myself uttering, guilt weighing down my chest. “It’s rare to find someone who you can be yourself with. Who you can trust with anything, your heart included. And that’s what haunts me most of all; knowing I could’ve cost you that.”

Keene’s head cants to the side while he stares at me, a slow smile creeping onto his face.

“He did a number on you, didn’t he?”

Aspen glances at his boyfriend, dark brows drawing down in confusion. “What the fuck are—”

“Babe, not right now,” Keene cuts in, motioning with his hand for Aspen to stop talking. Which makes Aspen’s icy eyes flare, though I can’t tell if it’s still with fury or something a little more…sensual.

---