Page 118 of Never Will I Ever

Our fight the night Avery left snakes its way into my thoughts, causing them to reel with all the emotions I’d been feeling in that moment. The fear, the resentment, the despair.

The agony of watching the person I love fall back into a pattern I wanted nothing more than to break him free of.

“You’ve seen some of his shame, man. It runs fucking deep. Maybe even deeper than I’ve seen. And I just…I don’t know how to be with someone who won’t take control of their own happiness. Who is too afraid to sayfuck what everyone elsethinksand chase what he wants, consequences be damned. And as much as I want to help him get there, I can’t hide us forever. It would feel like going backward. Like I’d have to go back in the closet and wait for him to finally come out of it. And…” I trail off and pick at the grass, frustration welling up inside me. “I don’t know if he’ll ever be ready for that.”

“Sounds like he’s on his way, though, from the little you’ve shared.” Keene leans back, resting his palms on the ground behind him, more relaxed than I thought possible given the topic at hand.

I shake my head, still staring at the ground. “Two steps forward, three steps back.”

“Sometimes the people we love need a little bit more time to reach the point we’ve already made it to. Doesn’t mean they won’t. And it also doesn’t mean they can’t use a hand to guide them along the way.”

The last thing I was expecting was Keene urging me to be with Avery, let alone pull some philosophical bullshit out of his ass to push me in that direction. But, then again, the situation he wound up in with Aspen must’ve granted him a lot of insight on what it’s like to love someone who is too afraid to love him back.

Or, at least,wastoo afraid.

With how much I’ve been seeing Aspen around, I’m under the impression that fear may have finally subsided. That’s what I’m hoping for anyway.

“How are you two?” I ask, shifting the topic away from my abysmal love life.

“I’m making him work for it, but…” A little grin pulls at his lips and he lifts a shoulder. “We’re mending.”

Thank fuck.

From the few times I’d checked in with Keene this summer—mostly out of my own guilt for sleeping with Avery—things sounded pretty grim. But if things have taken a turn for thebetter, maybe that’s the real reason he’s choosing not to hold any grudges toward the guy who almost destroyed his relationship.

“Glad to hear he finally got his head outta his ass.”

“Yeah, now we just gotta yank yours out, and we’ll be golden,” Keene jokes while he rises to his feet and dusts himself off before offering me a hand.

I take it and let out a dry laugh while he pulls me to my feet. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

He aims a wary look my way as he releases me, only to hold up both hands in surrender.

“Look, don’t shoot the messenger, but from where I’m standing, Avery hasn’t been the only one letting other people’s opinions stand in the way of his happiness.”

The truth in his statement stings like an angry hornet, and it’s all I can focus on. How hypocritical I’ve been without even realizing it.

From Keene’s curious expression as his gaze travels my face, he’s aware of it too.

“Just something to think about.”

Thirty-One

Kaleb

I’m stiff and sore after a weekend of scrims, and the only thing I want is my bed and about thirty ice packs covering every inch of my body. Seeing as that’s the closest I’ll get to happiness, I’m eager to shower, get my shit together, and get the hell outta Dodge.

I’m just about there, too, quickly tidying up my space when I notice my glove is missing. I swear I grabbed it when I left the field, but from its lack of presence in my cubby, bag, or anywhere else I look, I obviously didn’t.

Hoping one of my teammates might’ve grabbed it by mistake, I start asking around. There’s still quite a few of them lingering in the locker room, Keene included, but none of them have seen it either.

Well, shit.

With one last person in mind, I head down the hall to Coach’s office and rap my knuckles against his open door.

“Hey, Coach. You didn’t happen to see my glove lying around, did you?”

His eyes lift briefly before falling back to his desk. “There may have been one in the dugout when I left, but I can’t be sure. The field’s still unlocked if you wanna double check, though.”

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