Page 104 of Caught Stealing

But it also makes it impossible to hide things from him, because he just sees right through it.

So I don’t bother trying anymore.

“Lost,” I whisper, pressing my forehead against his chest. “Really fucking lost.”

His hand traces up my back until it wraps around the nape of my neck, and I’m met with his imploring gaze capable of staring straight into my soul. There’s tenderness in his gaze—something I’ve seen a lot more of lately.

And I recognize it, since it’s the same way I’ve caught myself looking at him too.

“I can help you find your way out, but you have to let me in first.”

If only it were that easy.

I press my forehead harder against his chest, as if the act will somehow allow me to burrow inside him for the peace and safety I’m desperately seeking.

“It’s Kason,” I whisper before attempting to swallow down the knot lodged in my throat. “Lying to him has created this guilt that’s gnawing away at me…like a rabid animal or something. And I’m fighting and trying to keep it at bay, but it’s exhausting.”

I don’t think I fully grasped the truth in that statement until I finally spoke it aloud.

I’m exhausted from keeping up with all the secrets without tacking all these lies on as well. Ones only growing in size as time goes on. It’s draining—suffocating—looking into the eyes of someone you care about and knowing you’re hurting them. Even if they aren’t aware of it themselves.

Holden’s voice is soft and gentle when he murmurs, “Then you need to tell him, Nix. For your own peace of mind.”

The idea alone makes me want to vomit. For so many reasons, but I choose to speak on the one at the forefront of my thoughts.

“Hurting him just to ease my own guilty conscience isn’t high on my list of priorities.”

“Well, it should be.”

My eyes widen in shock, and I pull back to look at him. “You can’t be serious.”

“Except I am.” He exhales in a long, deep sigh before shaking his head. “I know I’m probably going to sound like an asshole for saying this, but fighting for your own happiness should always be your priority.”

My teeth bite into my cheek, hating how wrong and selfish it feels to even consider that an option.

He skims my face, and it’s moments like this when I wonder if he’s got laser vision capable of burning right through my skull until he reaches my brain. It’s the only explanation for why he seems to pluck thoughts from my head at the drop of a hat.

“You’re allowed to be a little selfish sometimes, baby. It doesn’t make you a bad person.”

I’m not sure if it’s his words or just the one in particularthat makes my throat suddenly clog with emotion. All I know is I might as well be choking on it when I go to speak.

“Then why does it feel that way?”

“Because he’s your best friend, and no one likes hurting someone they care about. Yet from what I can tell, you’ve lived through this whole friendship putting Kason first, and that’s not normal. Sure, doing what you can for him to be happy isn’t necessarily a flaw, but it is when it’s completely at odds with what you want for yourself.”

Holden’s hand moves up to cup the side of my face, and I subconsciously lean into his touch, letting the heat of his skin against mine soothe the anxiety roaring inside me as he continues to speak.

“Kason told me you ended up coming to Leighton instead of heading out west for school because he asked you to. Was that the only reason you did?”

Yes.

“I mean, it’s closer to home,” I murmur.

The gentle curve of his lips tells me he knows I’m full of shit. “Okay, then what about you agreeing to let not just me, but also Harrison, Luca, and Noah come down to Florida over break? I can guarantee it only happened because you didn’t want to be the bad guy or let Kason down, even if it wasn’t what you wanted.”

Well, shit. He’s got me on that one. “Okay, maybe I do things for him, but I don’t see how it has anything to do—”

“Because you’re living for him andhishappiness, Nix. Those might be only a few examples, but knowing you, I’d almost guarantee there are thousands more. And I want to know, when will you start choosing yourself?” There’s a pleading look on his face, like watching me go through this pains him just as much as it does me. “You’re so sure you’ll regret hurting him by saying something, when in the long run, you’ll only have regrets when you’re not living for yourself.”

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