Page 126 of Caught Stealing

Tonight, I got home from practice to find his door wide open, and that could mean one of two things: he’s ready to attempt a conversation…or he didn’t realize the time and forgot to close it before I made it home.

I’m really hoping it’s the first.

“You got a second?” I hedge, the words nearly getting caught in my throat.

His shoulders stiffen and fingers freeze over the keys, and my stomach drops at the sight. There’s never been a time he’s reacted to me this way before. Even in the worst of our fights over the years. But all hope must not be lost, because rather than telling me to get fucked or kick rocks or any other variation of that sentiment, he turns in his chair and faces me.

There’s a hollowness to his expression, and it’s one I know well. It’s the one when you feel like you’re missing a vital part of your happiness. It’s the same one I’ve been wearing these past few weeks too.

“I guess, yeah.” He clears his throat before nodding toward his bed. “You can sit if you want.”

The tiniest bit of relief starts seeping through the anxiousness wreaking havoc on my nervous system. A minuscule amount, but it’s still there as I cross the room and sit on the edge of his bed.

I roll my tongue along the inside of my cheek, searching for words to convey my thoughts and feelings. Anything to help him understand how and why we ended up here.

But it all falls flat, so I say the only thing I can at this moment.

“I honestly don’t know where to start other than I’m sorry, Kase. I’m so fucking sorry.”

He gives a slow, solemn nod while looking anywhere but at me. “So you’ve said before.”

God, he’s not planning to make this easy. Then again, he could put me through my paces only to tell me to go kick rocks, and it would still be merited.

“Me saying it now versus weeks ago doesn’t make it any less true.”

“Doesn’t mean it makes what you did any less shitty,” he replies dryly. Only from the way he cocks his head, he’s more confused than anything. “I just don’t getwhy. Why keep all the secrets? Why lie to me? And if you tell me it was because you didn’t want to hurt me…” He trails off, shaking his head.

“That really was why,” I whisper.

“And I’ve told you time and time again, Phoe, I don’t need a fucking protector.” A hand rakes through his hair as he tries to dial in his frustration. “And in the end, you hurt me worse with all the lies and secrets than by just being with Holden in the first place. You know that, right?”

My teeth scrape over my bottom lip before whispering, “Yeah, I do now.”

“So then tell me why.”

“You want a whole ass list of reasons?” I ask, giving him a wry smirk—anything to lighten the mood, even fractionally.

“I mean…” He trails off and gives me a shrug. “Might as well, at this point.”

With a long exhale, I line out all the shame and embarrassment from the first time Holden and I got together. My state of mind when it happened, my out-of-character actions, and the fact that he’s Kason’s teammate. The fact that Holden acted like the whole thing never happened—even if it was because he didn’t know it did.

I put it all on the table for Kason, and when I’m done, all he does is shake his head.

“None of those reasons are good enough for you to have kept it from me, Phoe. And even if you didn’t want to tell me back when it happened, you still should have told me the night you stopped me from going home with him.”

I nod, his point more than valid. “Yeah, maybe I should have. Except by the time the two of you started talking, it kinda felt too late. Months had passed, and it was like my window of opportunity to say, ‘hey, I fucked your teammate after having a shit week’ had closed.”

“So naturally, becoming a human chastity belt was the better option?” he asks, and I don’t miss the hint of a smile on his lips.

“Maybe not, but I honestly was coming at it from mostly pure intentions.” I offer a gentle smile and shrug. “I didn’t want you to feel like I did after sleeping with him the first time. So easily forgotten and discarded. Which, at the time, is exactly what I thought I was to Holden.”

He nods before murmuring, “And that’s exactly why you should have said something.”

“But would you have listened? I mean, really, Kase? Would it have changed your mind?”

Because I don’t think it would have. Kason can be one of the most bull-headed people I know, and from the look on his face at this moment, he knows it too.

He offers me a shrug. “I guess we’ll never know for sure.”

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