Page 124 of Caught Stealing

“Look, Nix. I’m sorry for the part I had in screwing up your friendship with Kason. I didn’t expect to f—” I cut off and clear my throat, knowing I can’t say those words again without hearing them in return. “Feel this way about you. I really didn’t, and I think you know that. But it’s still no excuse. There are a thousand ways I could have handled this whole situation differently, starting with ending things with Kason the moment I knew I was feeling something for you instead. Most of all, I’m sorry for not remembering that night last year. Because if I had…” I bite my lip when his lids lift, a somber imitation of a smile curling the edge of my mouth. “I dunno. I’d like to think if I had, none of this would’ve happened in the first place. Because you’d have been mine a long time ago.”

“Except I’m not yours, Holden.” His words come out in a whisper as his focus shifts to look past me, evidently unable to meet my gaze any longer. “I never was. Never will be.”

That’s a bunch of bullshit if I’ve ever heard it, and it ignites a blaze of fury inside me. Because how fuckingdarehe?

“Right. How could you be, when you’re the one who acts like this thing between us is meaningless. Who treats me like some dirty secret you have to hide from your best friend.” My jaw ticks, lined tight with anger. “You’re the one who chased after Kason when he found out anyway, and now you’re proving that you’ll only choose him by ending this. Cutting us off at the knees before we even have a chance to be everything this could be.”

His gaze shifts, dropping to the ground. “And what would that be?”

The words come out so characteristically detached, all I can do is gape at him. At this man who I’ve broken all my rules for, yet he can’t seem to bend for me.

And all it does is piss me off.

“We could be fucking forever, Nix!” I swipe my hand over my hair, wondering how in the hell he can be so blind. “I look at you and see the rest of my life. All the shit I never knew I wanted. Or needed, for that matter. And you’re standing here, ready to throw it all away…why? Because Kason doesn’t approve? Because you feel guilty?”

He shakes his head, eyes still fixated on the ground. “Because it’s one-sided, Holden.”

Liar.

It’s my immediate thought the second his words register, but damn if the words don’t slice me to the bone anyway. But if that’s how he wants to play this, I have no problem calling his bluff.

“So you feel nothing for me, then?” I snap, glaring daggers at him. At this man who is so dead set on breaking my heart the moment I give it to him.

The muscles in his jaw tick, and I see it again. The war in his eyes. The uncertainty waging the battle between his head and his heart. Between choosing himself and choosing…anyone else. And if my heart wasn’t already a pile of minced meat in his hands, it would break even more watching the anguish in them.

Phoenix’s tongue wets his lower lip before he glances away with a shake of his head.

“No, I don’t.”

Liar.

“I don’t believe you!” I shout, stepping in closer to him. As close as I dare while he tries shoving what we have into some meaningless box to lock away and forget. “You can’t even look at me when you say it, and until you do, I’m not going anywhere. So if you want me gone so badly, then look me in the eyes and tell me you don’t love me.” My eyes dart back and forth between his when he finally looks at me, searching for the truth that always lies within them. “That’s when I’ll leave. I’ll drive to Chicago without a backward glance, but only if you can do that.”

Phoenix steels himself right before my eyes, attempting to shutter his emotions from display while keeping his gaze locked with mine. As if he doesn’t know I can see through him on his best days, let alone his worst.

Then again, maybe he thinks if he lies to himself enough, he’ll actually believe the words falling from his lips.

“I don’t love you,” he says, his voice a rough whisper. “I never have.”

Liar.

I wouldn’t have to know him as well as I do to realize it. It’s written all over his beautiful, lying face.

“Eyes and mouth, Nix. Eyes and fucking mouth.”

“Not this time,” he says, even as his voice breaks on the last word.

“Yes, this time. This time and every single fucking time, baby. Because I see your fear—hear it in your words—and I know it’s what’s controlling you. What’s making you run away right now when we both know you love me too.”

He opens his mouth, and I can see it right there on his tongue. The truth waiting to break free and end our misery. But instead, he says nothing and clenches his teeth to keep the words in.

I slowly reach up to take his face in my hands, terrified he’ll pull away at my touch. He doesn’t, but he’s still strung tight; the hold on his emotions is a fragile one at best. A feeling I’m familiar with since I’m barely keeping it together myself.

My forehead drops to his, and the contact with his skin eases the tension within me while simultaneously creating more.

“I can wait for you. Or I can stay away,” I murmur, brushing his nose with mine. “But I need you to tell me which. I need you to tell me what to do, because I can’t read your mind. No more than I can change the way I feel about you.”

He pulls back at the same time a strangled sound rips from his throat—some mixture of a gasp and a sob—and it splits me wide open. Severs whatever is left of my composure when his tormented eyes meet mine, and I watch helplessly while he drowns in a choice he never wanted to make.

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