Page 120 of Caught Stealing

“Clearly, this has nothing to do with Holden. He’s just the catalyst. This is about you and me and all the shit that’s so clearly broken between us.”

His words sink in, and I hate the truth in them.

But this friendship is fractured, cracks and splinters forming just below the surface for longer than either of us has realized. Or maybe we did, and neither of us wanted to admit it. To ourselves, or each other.

“Maybe you’re right.” I shake my head and blow out a breath. “All I know is, you say you don’t recognize me anymore, and I feel the same way. Things have been this way for so long—me giving into your every whim—that I don’t even recognize myself. I have no idea who I am or what I want.”

“It sure as hell seems like you know what you want,” he mutters, and he doesn’t need to elaborate on the thought. The way his gaze absently flicks toward my hotel room more than gives it away.

I gnaw at my lower lip, another wave of guilt dragging me under as I whisper the same sentiment I did earlier.

“I didn’t mean for this to happen.”

His eyes give nothing away as he stares at me, uttering a single word. “But…”

“But I can’t change how I feel.” I swallow down the emotion clogging my throat. “Just like I can’t take back what I’ve done.”

“No. You can’t.” Kason releases a long, slow sigh before walking toward the elevator and slapping his fist over the call button. “Choose him, Phoenix. It’s clearly what you want to do. Just don’t expect me to sit around and watch.”

Two words spoken in Holden’s voice swirl in my thoughts, and I try to grasp them. Hold onto the tiny threads that are barely keeping my existence together.

Choose yourself.

Standing here after a face-off with my best friend, I realize I’m on the precipice of just that. Choosing between my loyalty to him and the person who makes my entire world stop.

And for the life of me, I don’t know how to choose. I don’t even think I can.

Maybe because the reality of it is…I don’t deserve either of them.

Which is why I’m left helplessly staring at the elevator long after Kason steps inside and the doors close behind him. I’m not sure how long I stay there either, only that the pressure on my chest is nearly too much to bear, and I’m ready to collapse under it.

Eventually, autopilot kicks in, and I head back toward my room. It’s not until the door closes behind me and a fully-clothed Holden rushes toward me that I remember he was in here.

Though, I’m not sure how I forgot, all things considered.

“Oh, thank God.” His relief is evident as his hands land on my arms. “What happened?”

The concern in his eyes as he maps my face rips my heart from my chest on the spot, and paired with his gentle touch, I’m in physical, aching pain that I fear will never end.

Because…this is what guilt demands I give up.

His fingers skim up and down my arms, as he continues watching me. Waiting for words to form on my lips, let alone fall from them.

“Nix. Baby, what’s going on? What did he say?”

I’m useless to speak, and no matter how many times I clear my throat, hoping to alleviate the emotion clogged there, it doesn’t get any easier.

I’m still choking on the regret. Suffocating beneath the weight of my lies.

“Just go, Holden,” I say in barely a whisper. “I can’t do this right now.”

“Nix—”

I hold my hand up, stopping his words before they spill from his mouth. I’ve reached my limits, and there’s nothing Holden can say or do to make this better right now.

Not when he’s at the crux of the issue. The catalyst of the fall-out.

“Please.” The word comes out choked. Anguished, even. “Go.”

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