Page 79 of Burn for You

My gut churns at the conviction with which she says it, like it’s a fact, like it’s the only possibility. “That’s not true.”

“No?!” Another tear streams down her face and she throws her glasses off her face, sending them flying into the rubble. “You hated me, then you fucked me, and now all of a sudden youcare.”

When she puts it like that it sounds exactly like she’s implying, but the thing she’s got wrong is that I stopped hating her long before I had her body.

I reach for her, but she steps back. “Don’t.”

“You’re not going to believe anything I say right now, whether it’s true or not. I know you have this whole ‘never trust men’ thing going on?—”

“Oh, fuck you,” she spits.

“But we’re not all the same.”

“No?” Her voice booms through the empty restaurant. “You didn’t shame me for seeing other men? You didn’t basically call me a slut until it was you that had your hands on me? No, you’re sooo different from every other guy Rafael!”

I throw my hat off my head in frustration. “You never thought maybe I just didn’t like seeing you with other men? You never thought maybe the reason I banned other men from my house is because I couldn’t stand the idea of you fucking someone else inmyhouse?”

She shakes her head, a humorless smile on her face. “I don’t care. I will never put my worth in another man's hands again, you included,” she points an accusatory finger in my direction.

I take two big steps and I’m in front of her, her chest heaving against mine. “If you don’t know by now that I am obsessed with more than just your body, May, then you’re not as switched on as Ithought you were.” She raises her hand, but I catch it before she can strike me.

She screws her eyes shut. “What in the world are you talking about?”

I shake my head. “I don’t just like your body, May. I like much more about you than that, and I’ve never expected you to put your worth in my hands. I’ve only asked you not to ignore what’s between us, something that started long before I ever got my hands on you, and you know it.”

I see her jaw clench as she looks up at me. “I can’t do that,” she whispers, and her expression goes from frustration to the fear I saw burning in them that night of the fire.

That fear doesn’t come from her mother’s advice. No, that comes from experience. I pull my hand up to cup her dirty cheek and she flinches away, but I don’t let go. I don’t move until her sad eyes come back to meet mine. “Who hurt you like this?”

Her body falls against mine, and she finally drops the hammer. I wrap my arms around her, supporting her exhausted body. I sit down against a part of the wall that’s still intact and drag her against me. I know that in any other situation she wouldn’t allow this kind of affection, but she’s too tired to fight it as she leans back against my front. In any other situation I wouldn’t allow it either, but something about May makes me want to do everything I usually swear against.

I thread my dirty fingers through her hair as I wait for her to say something. I want to tell her that she doesn’t need to explain herself to me, but I’m too selfish for that. So I just keep dirtying her light hair.

“My dad left when I was born,” she starts so quietly, as if she doesn’t want to admit it. “As soon as he saw me, he just bolted. Didn’t even want to try to be a father, he just left.”

Here I am going on about my nonna. The woman who loved me like I was her own, meanwhile May had someone that never chose her, someone who abandoned her like she was nothing.

“Did he ever come back?”

She relaxes back into me even more. “Never. If he walked past me on the street tomorrow, I’d never even know it.”

“I’m so sorry, May.” I run my hand along her shoulder, wanting to touch her in any way.

“Don’t be.”

“But then your mom met Dave?”

She nods. “She only put herself back out there when I was a teenager. She never wanted someone to come in and act like a father figure to me, and neither did I. I’d never needed a father before; I didn’t need to start then.”

I nod, even though she can’t see me. Even though I can’t imagine that feeling.

When my papà died, the only reason I stood upright every day was because of Nonna. I can’t imagine growing up without him to steer me, without him to teach me what being a good man looks like. Sometimes I still wonder if I’m living up to his standards, if I’m being a man he would be proud of, if the way I’ve treated May in the past is something he’d be ashamed of.

“That’s why she taught me what she did,” May continues with a sniffle. “Never give so much of yourself to a man that you will fall apart when he leaves. Because she never had the time to fall apart, not with a newborn. And I never did. I never even wanted to. I followed her advice. For years, I didn’t even pay any attention to men. I never had a high school sweetheart; I kept myself at a distance…until I was foolish. I fell in love.” She lets out a big shaky sigh, like the worst part is yet to come. I can’t fight my instinct to touch her, to let her know I’m here, and I’m listening. So I rub my palm over her back, drawing light circles over the skin not covered by her singlet.

“I fell so fast I thought nothing could go wrong. My mom scolded me, she knew it wouldn’t end well, but I forged ahead, thinking she was always wrong and that the man who was my father was just a bad egg. I mean she had Dave, and he had never hurt her.” Her voice wobbles with desperation, maybe for the belief that she’d had back then.

“I’d been with Owen for nearly a year when I started feeling nauseous every now and then. I got so tired after my classes I’d have to go home and sleep during the middle of the day. That’s when I realized that my period was late.” My heart sinks to the pit of my gut as soon as she says it. I close my eyes, but I don’t stop my circles. I continue, hoping their consistency is giving her some sort of courage to keep going.

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