Page 87 of Bound to You

My eyes close on instinct.

“But behind all of that sits a weight in my chest, the endless worry that you’ll go. I told you that I’m yours, even if you go, and that feels truer with every passing day. But if you go, you’ll be taking my heart with you, because I don’t own it anymore sweetheart, you do.”

My heart is beating out of my chest with a new force. My lungs constricted by the weight of what was said sitting on my chest.

“I’m falling for you Isla, tell me it’s not one sided. Please.” He squeezes me a bit tighter, as if that will keep me from saying the wrong thing.

“I want to mean it.” I twist in his arms, and he lets me this time, and look up into his worrying eyes. “But deciding that feels big to me, all of this feels big to me.” I rest my head on his chest taking a deep breath, and his scent steadies me. “My last relationship was, it was…” I struggle with the words, wanting to open up to him the way he effortlessly does with me. I’ve given him hints of my past, snippets that are enough for him to piece the puzzle together himself, selfishly not wanting to dredge upthe past. But I want him to know, want him to see every part of me, including the parts that have made me so weary of this entire situation between us.

“Brandon treated me more like a prize than a partner. He showed me off on any occasion he could, he did grand gestures and big public shows of affection, but he ignored me in private. He only paid me any attention when I was of use to him. He slowly destroyed my self-esteem.

“When I left, I said I wouldn’t do anything for a man, determined to take control of my own life. But I can’t ignore my feelings for you. Trust me I’ve tried. ” I press my hand to his cheek. “I think I fell off that cliff a while ago,” I smile. “And now every single cell in my body wants to move across the world for a man. For you. I want to stay here, but at the same time, I don’t want to make a hasty decision during what could be a honeymoon period. I keep playing this all out in my head imagining all the different ways it could go,” I shake my head, looking down at my feet avoiding his gaze. “I don’t want to get hurt again if this doesn’t work.”

Deep down, I know Caio won’t hurt me. He’s proven to me over and over that he’s the opposite of everything Brandon ever was. Maybe it’s just an easy excuse for the fact that I might break my own heart. I wanted to discover who I am on my own. Not who I am when I throw myself into a new relationship. But I don’t know how I could ever give this up.

He gently tips my chin up with his thumb making me look back into his intense gaze. Caio presses a soft kiss to my lips, enveloping me in his essence before lifting me up to sit on the kitchen counter.

“How about this,” he says, his hands resting on the tops of my thighs. “How about instead of both of us tiptoeing around these big feelings between us and playing it all out in our heads, how about we vow to figure it all out together? Be honest with mebaby, every step of the way, any doubt, any concern, be honest with me, and I will do the same. I want to figure this out with you Isla.” He brings a hand to cup my cheek and my eyes naturally flutter closed.

“How does that sound?”

I nod.

“Pinky promise?” He holds his pinky out to me, and I smile as I wrap my pinky finger around his.

“Promise.”

“Can you two stop canoodling out there and come and rescue me!” Marina yells from the living room. “They’re talking about marrying me off to Riccardo!”

Caio and I laugh from where we are in the kitchen. “Why does she need to get married, exactly?” I ask.

“Vanessa wants little grandbabies running around this place sooner than Marina could even find a guy that she likes enough to go on a date with.”

“We could always give her some,” I tease.

His eyes snap to mine with a sadness that wasn’t there before. “Are you trying to break my heart sweetheart? I don’t even know if you’ll still be here in a month’s time, and I am constantly fighting my mind not to envision a future with you. I’m failing miserably. Please don’t make it harder than it already is.”

I look down at my hands in my lap. When those words just fell out of my mouth I didn’t think twice when my mind lit up with visions of little Caio’s running around, I internally beamed at the thought. The fact that Caio doesn’t want to think about those things out of fear of false hope…

How did I not realize the way that my indecision is playing on his mind?

He always acts so okay with everything, so understanding of my situation, but of course this is hard for him. The unknown ofit all, just like it is for me. I guess the difference is that I’m here in my head, not that I can exactly articulate or explain how I feel. But I’m going over things a million times in my head, and here I am not sharing any of it with him.

Not enough of it anyway.

No wonder he doesn’t want to hope for a future with me.

“We’ll figure it out,” it’s all I can offer right now. “I promise.”

chapter thirty-six

CAIO

The soundof screaming echoes through my apartment.

“Oh my god!” Isla exclaims. “That’s so fucked up,” she says, shoving a handful of popcorn in her mouth.

We are watching a new serial killer documentary that came out on Netflix. Isla begged me to watch it with her, so here I am.

---