Page 32 of Back in the Saddle

In my peripheral vision, Ciaron turned his head to me. He deserved the same from me. I bit my lip before facing him.

“Out of all the things you have done, that has hurt the most.”

Tears welled in my eyes. “I know. I’m sorry.”

“Can you tell me one of the reasons why?”

“When I saw you so happy and free, I was scared that I’d lost you forever.” My voice trembled. It was at that moment, when I said those hateful words, that I’d lost him completely.

“Thank you for apologising.” His voice was flat. He rolled over, his back turned to me.

I let the tears fall silently.

I’d broken his heart and his spirit. I wouldn’t blame him if he wanted to go back to Ireland. He said he didn’t. And I hadto believe that, because our reconciling should not be because of my fear that he might leave. It wasn’t, though. I loved Ciaron. My life was empty without him. As empty as his shelves were when he left.

I closed my eyes and imagined Ciaron embracing me like that first night when I’d felt safe and had no concerns about our future. His hands hadn’t wandered that night, but I wouldn’t stop them now. I wouldn’t stop him from doing anything.

11

Ciaron

My senses awakened one by one. Heat spread across my chest and stomach, and a vanilla and honey fragrance filled the air. I opened my eyes. I was spooning Taylor. She wasn’t awake yet; she was dead still.

I let her warmth seep into me, and I drew her scent in further so it could infiltrate every part of me. I didn’t pull her closer, afraid she might wake. My dick was hard regardless. I imagined exploring her body, my hand gliding over her soft skin, stopping at all the places she liked to be touched, tracing her stretch marks, feeling her nipples harden at my touch. My dick twitched. I sucked in a breath.

It was a guilty pleasure. Guilty because I doubt she’d approve if she knew. How far back in time would I have to go back for this to be normal? How many months? For a long time, holding her like this was the only thing I had left of our relationship, of our love. After our first night together, I thought I’d be doing this for the rest of my life. Somehow sixty years had been cut down to twenty-two.

I moved away slowly, trying not to wake her, and headed to our ensuite to shower. The hot water helped ease my melancholy and desperate need for her. The water pressure slowed, and the water turned hotter. Someone must have flushed the other toilet. It was too early for the kids. Another sign of an estranged couple; we’d always used the ensuite at the same time before.

I sighed and turned the water off. Enjoying each other’s company last night meant nothing in the scheme of things. Maybe our history didn’t either. And what about her apology? I had no fucking idea if she was being kind or trying to make amends. Nothing made sense anymore.

I got dressed quickly and went out into the kitchen to make breakfast. I passed Taylor in the hall as she headed back to our room. It was like we were two horses passing through an open gate with blinkers on, not paying attention to the other.

“I’ve put the jug on,” she said.

“Thanks.”

I made our coffee and my toast. When I heard the shower turn off, I put bread in the toaster for Taylor and put the jar of Vegemite near her plate. Then I grabbed my keys and headed out for the morning meeting, wondering if Taylor would make an appearance. She didn’t. By the time the meeting was over, and I got to the office, the other lady I’d hired for night watch was there waiting.

“Hi, I’m Sofia,” she said as I approached.

“Nice to meet you, Sofia. Welcome to Diamond Firetail Farm,” I said. “Just let me tell Fran that I’m giving you a tour and we can head off.”

We drove around and I pointed out the different buildings, areas and paddocks. She would never remember it all, but it was important to have an understanding of the size of the farm. Sofia was Australian. She’d recently finished an equine TAFE course in Melbourne. She had hands-on experience during her course,and she’d be teamed up with a well-practiced and trusted team member for night watch. Just like Niamh.

Her eyes were wide as she took in all the paddocks. “The farm is bigger than I expected.”

“We are small compared to some farms around here, like Woodlands or Coolmore. We’re in our second year of drought. Normally it is much greener than this.”

I recalled the first time I’d seen the farm here. The grass was lush, often reaching halfway up the horses’ legs. It was like the farm in Ireland that Taylor’s dad worked at. I couldn’t remember seeing anything so green in my life. Now it was brown as far as the eye could see, interspersed with some paddocks that still had grass. Such a contrast.

I stopped the car and pointed to a small grey and white bird on the fence. It had a black band around its neck which continued down the side that was dotted with white spots. “That’s a diamond firetail. It gets its name from its bright red rump and upper tail feathers. They mate for life.” My heart ached. I’d always thought Taylor and I would last for life. “You’ll notice the water troughs have sticks in them. If wildlife falls in, they can climb back out. A lot are desperate for water now with the drought.”

Sofia was pleasant and asked a lot of questions about the horses and our processes. I was confident I’d made the right decision with her and Niamh. Taylor wouldn’t agree. She hadn’t even wanted me to hire them in the first place.

We hadn’t spoken about it since the big argument. We hadn’t really spoken much. Last night was the most we’d spoken to each other in months. The way she looked at me when we retold our first day reminded me exactly of that day: adoration. Then her apology had come out of nowhere. I shook my head; I needed to stop thinking about it.

When we got back to the carpark, I said, “Well, that’s the tour done. You can go to the unit I showed you to unpack your car. Niamh is in the one next door.”

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