Page 17 of Back in the Saddle

“Yeah,” I murmured. My father had left in my early years of high school. He’d never asked how school was going. He’d barely asked how I was going. And yet I’d let him in my head. Let the memory of him saying to Ciaron that we wouldn’t last haunt my thoughts.

Mum continued, “Ciaron helps out around the farm and the house without question.”

She didn’t need to add ‘unlike your father’.

Mum rubbed Dior’s cheek. “Why did he move out?”

“That’s the million-dollar question.”

Mum faced me and raised her eyebrows.

I huffed. “Fine. It’s probably the hundred-dollar question.”

Mum nodded, urging me to go on.

“He tried to tell me he wasn’t happy, and he needed me to be more present, but I didn’t listen.”

That was the first time I’d admitted it to myself, let alone out loud. There were a million other reasons, but that was the crux of it.

Mum was watching me, expecting more.

“I’ve been so busy with the farm I didn’t have time to listen.”

Mum’s chest expanded and deflated as if she were reining in her disappointment, because, really, that was no excuse. It was in the hard times that we should have been listening closer to each other.

I scanned the paddocks in front of us. They had been brown for over a year now. I hardly noticed the desolation anymore. The sky changed from a muted blue to grey some days. But not the sort of grey that brought rain. I’d given up on looking for rain clouds on the horizon. Even if it did rain, just once, it wouldn’t mean the end of the drought. We’d need normal, consistent rain for that. And then would come the recovery; years of it. “The drought is so draining. What if it lasts another year and we can’t keep going?”

“Have you discussed it with Ciaron? Set up an exit strategy?”

I huffed. “No. I cut him off when he wanted to.”

There went her expanded chest again. This was going to be a conversation about disappointments, it seemed. “How do you think that made him feel?”

“Like I didn’t value him or us.”

That must have hurt him. How selfish could one person be? Oh, there was plenty more where that came from. I was the queen of selfish.

“I don’t want to lose the farm, Mum. It’s been in our family for generations.”

Mum nodded. “Farming is tougher now than it ever was. Droughts, floods, mouse plagues, more often and longer. I know you love it here, but it’s better to lose the farm than your family.” Mum rubbed my arm. “Do you still love him?”

“Yes.” There was no doubt in my mind. “But I’m not sure he loves me anymore.”

She shook her head. Disappointment. Again. “The pain in his whole being tells me he does. I’ve never seen a man love someone as much as he loves you.”

“I love him that much. And more. I just forgot because it was as natural as breathing.”

I missed him and the children so much. I may as well have lived on a different farm for the amount of time I spent with them. What was the point of it all if I didn’t have them?

She smiled. “Well, now that you’ve pulled your head out of your arse, best you fight for him.”

“I don’t even know where to start. He doesn’t even call me his wife. This morning, he called me his partner.”

“I’m sure you’ll figure it out. He’s still wearing his wedding ring. That must mean something.”

It was the same problem I’d faced for weeks, months. How to fix something I’d broken that could be beyond repair. It’s not like a wound on a horse that could be stitched up. Repairing relationships was much more complicated. Healing hearts, even more so.

By the time we’d finished the tour, I at least knew where to start. When we got back to the office, I left Mum with Fran and went into Ciaron’s office. It was the middle of winter, and yet, my palms were sweaty.

---