Page 13 of Back in the Saddle

“Once fortrí láand the second time forceithre lá,”Niamh replied.

They both laughed…again. I think she said it rained for three days and then four days every week. Not that I was trying to listen. They were just so loud.

“How many in yourteaghlach?” Niamh asked. “Are they all here in Australia?”

“Just me in Australia,” Ciaron said. Did I hear sadness in his voice? No, wait—I shifted in my seat and rubbed the ring on my finger. He didn’t mention us. Isabelle, Callum and me? We were his family. My stomach squeezed. Not me. I wasn’t his family anymore, but the kids were.

She said something in reply that I couldn’t hear. Then said, “Cárb as duit?”

“Sheriff Street.”

“Nocapallthere.” She laughed.

“No, lots of people betting on them, though.”

More chuckling, followed by footsteps. They were walking into the central office.

“Fran, I’m going to show Niamh around,” Ciaron said. “Can you please check her forms while we’re gone?”

“No problem,” Fran said.

I half expected him to walk over to my door to introduce Niamh. That’s what he would normally do. Instead, the footsteps faded as he led her outside. Good. I didn’t want to hear any more of his laughter and fun. I didn’t want to hear him slip into his Irish tongue like it was so damn natural, and that’s where he belonged.

“Would you ever go back?” Niamh asked as they walked out the door.

I strained to hear the answer, but they were too far away.

Ever since the parent-teacher interviews two weeks ago, Ciaron had been distant. He didn’t cook any meals for me and only spoke to me when necessary. He even avoided being with me and the kids at the same time. And in the office, he made sure not to be in the same room as me, if he could help it. If I was in the main office area, he would wait for me to leave before he went to speak to Fran. Or if he was there when I walked in, he would make a quick departure.

It was my fault. In that moment when I’d accused him of cheating, I couldn’t see past my jealousy. The words had come out without me even thinking. Because, if I had stopped for one second and thought about it, they would never have come out. I would have known how stupid I was to even think them.

I didn’t know how to fix it. I stared at the ceiling, like the answers would suddenly appear in the blank white space. The word sorry wouldn’t be enough. But what would?

I missed him. Even though we’d been separated for months, it felt more final. We hadn’t lost only our marriage, but our friendship and camaraderie as well. I’d had a glimpse of it when we were having pizza, but it had vanished as quickly as it had appeared. The ache in my chest doubled each time I thought about it.

I had so much to do and yet all I could do was think about him.

I watched from the window as Ciaron and Niamh hopped onto the buggy, wearing heavy winter jackets to ward off the winter chill. They were still talking and joking. When was the last time Ciaron and I laughed as freely as that? In the end, our marriage hadn’t been about us anymore. It was about a million other things, and we were left like riders without a horse.

All those times I’d questioned his decisions, I never thought about how that made him feel. I never thought about how those moments would hurt him or how he would be embarrassed. I just thought about how he was wrong, or more like how Ithoughthe was wrong. What does that do to the core of a person, when their wife, who should be their biggest supporter, is the opposite? It crushes them is what it does.

Fuck.

Add to that the lack of togetherness and intimacy.

No wonder he’d left me.

From my vantage point, I watched as Ciaron explained the lay of the land. He stopped a lot and appeared to give lots of information. When I couldn’t see them anymore, I turned back to my computer and concentrated on investigating what stallions were standing at stud this year. Ciaron and I usually worked together on deciding which stallions and mares would make the best offspring at the price we could afford. Some horses like Cox Plate winner, Anamoe, cost $121,000, which was completely out of our budget.

Neither of us had approached the other about it. I opened my calendar and thought about booking a meeting with him. I sighed. Is this what our lives had become? Avoidance and forced interactions through meetings?

Ciaron and Niamh headed back up the hill. It was time for me to go do some rounds, better known as avoiding the banter and laughter between them. Something I doubt I’d share with Ciaron again.

I walked out into the central office with its four desks, fireplace and floor to ceiling bookcases. We were down to one admin person at the moment but would increase to another one during breeding season, which would start in a couple of weeks. We couldn’t expect Fran to do it all. She was already covering two jobs with Ciaron and me helping where we could. We just couldn’t afford another admin person full time.

Fran looked up from her desk. “Have you got a minute to discuss the fuel? It’s not adding up for me.”

I glanced out the window. I had five minutes before Ciaron got back. “Sure.” I walked around her desk and stood beside her so I could see her screen.

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