Page 36 of Rediscovering Rubi

“Mmm, yes. Very good.”

“Your hair smells a little like sex,” he told her.

“And whose fault is that?” she asked, laughing.

“All mine,” he said as he sat back, feeling a bit smug and grinning to himself. “I probably got my face in it after going down on you.”

“It’s not as if I had time to wash it,” she protested, but there was humor in her voice.

“I don’t mind, baby. I kinda love it.”

She turned to him with a grin, and he kissed her cheek, and they held hands as more people got settled into their chairs.

A man with sharp features strode to the front of the room, and everyone went quiet. When he pushed the sleeves of his black Henley up, Logan saw his arms were fully tattooed, and spotted the Army crest on one forearm. Derek had mentioned he was ex-Army.

“Hi, everyone. I’m Mac “Arrow” Smith, but you can call me Arrow. I’ve been involved in kink education for several decades, and I present on a variety of topics, but tonight I’m here to talk about power exchange. How many of you understand what that term means?”

About half of the people in the class raised their hands.

“Good, good,” Arrow said. “So, we’ll start with some basics, then take a deeper dive into the ‘exchange’ part, because that’s really what it all comes down to.”

He talked for a while about the definition of an exchange of power, and how any BDSM dynamic was really an exchange, not simply the submissive or bottom giving their power to the Dominant or Top. Logan was glad to hear it defined in this way, especially for those who were newer to kink. It was something a lot of people didn’t understand coming into the lifestyle.

“So,” Arrow was saying, “while there is—or should be—this exchange of power, with all parties giving their energy, it doesn’t always happen organically. It’s honestly all-too easy to get caught up in your role as a bottom, and maybe even more as a Top, so I’m going to focus on that for a few minutes. As Tops or Dominants, we take on all this responsibility for our partner, whether a life partner, or a play partner for the night, or anything in between, and we often forget to give them our energy beyond what we expend physically during a scene, and in our focus on their needs moment by moment.

“But in a long-term relationship where power exchange is present, whether it’s a 24/7 dynamic, or one we mostly engage in during kink scenes, we have to remember theexchangepart. That it’s not all about our bottom or sub giving us their submission, their body, their trust. And it’s also not all about us giving our sub or bottom pain, pleasure, mindfuck. It has to be about us giving them that same part of ourselves we demand from them.”

Logan focused on that last sentence. He knew it was something he struggled with.

“Yes, as a Top or Dominant, we are in a position of power and control,” Arrow continued. “And of course, there’s an enormous component of responsibility that’s intrinsic to the role. But in order for it to be a true exchange, we have to be able to open ourselves up to our partners. Now, in a pickup play situation, or scening with a kinky friend, we have to open up in terms of our desires, our physical abilities, or lack thereof, and our limits—because Tops and Doms are allowed to have limits, too, and it’s important that we inform our partners. But specifically in a long-term relationship, this means sharing things we might even view as weaknesses, particularly when it comes to emotional issues, because these are our deepest sore spots. And those sore spots can be hard to share. We don’t want those areas of vulnerability to cause our partners to view us as not strong enough. Not dominant enough. It’s a fear most of us have.”

Logan had to pull in a quick breath at that idea. He knew Arrow was right—he’d really hit the nail on the head—but this was the part that bothered him. A quick glance to his right, and he saw Rubi looking over at him. She’d caught it, too.

“This is something that took me a very long time to learn, and I wish I’d realized it sooner,” Arrow said. “Because when I wasn’t taking enough care of myself, admitting what my needs were, and addressing the things that stressed me out—a lot of itdamage from the past—then I wasn’t able to give my all to my partner. I wasn’t givingall of me.” He paused, his gaze roving across the room; he seemed to be taking in everyone’s response to what he’d just said. “An important part of being on either side of the kink dynamic within a relationship—a crucial part—is vulnerability.”

There was some mumbling and groaning from the crowd, and Arrow smiled.

“Yeah, I know. We Top types don’t like it much, do we? But if we’re not willing to give our partners that deep part of ourselves, then how dare we demand it from them? Sound harsh to some of you? Well, I’m here to teach you, not hold your hands. Maybe more to start the discussion, I guess. Because this is something you need to talk to your partners about. Talk to your kinky or kink-friendly friends. To your therapist, if you have one who’s open to hearing this stuff. Think about it. If journaling works for you, do some of this work that way. It doesn’t matter what form it takes, as long as you make a deal with yourself that you’ll dig deeper, open yourself more. And that’s when you can go really deep with your partner. That’s when it truly becomes an exchange.”

Fuck.

Logan knew he was right. He and Rubi had sort of touched on this, and it was something he’d realized, on some level, at least. But for whatever reason, he heard it more clearly from Arrow.

As the talk continued, Logan tried to focus, but he kept thinking about what Arrow had said.

…specifically in a long-term relationship, this means sharing things we might even view as weaknesses.

Yeah. He knew he was right. But he sure as hell didn’t have to like it, and he damn well didn’t.

By the time the class was over, Logan knew he’d spent too much time in his head with that sentence echoing over and over.As everyone began to exit, he gave himself a mental shake, and put a hand on Rubi’s back as they stood up.

“Baby, I’d like to go talk to Arrow for a moment.”

“Oh, of course.”

They waited while another couple spoke with him, then approached him.

“Arrow? I’m Logan Shaw, and this is my wife, Rubi.”

---