Page 31 of Rediscovering Rubi

“Well, if anyone can get him to open up, it’s Master Derek,” Reese declared.

“I hope so.”

“Don’t look so worried, Rubi,” Reese said. “Wait to see how things go after the men talk. And meanwhile, I feel like you need a chocolate milkshake. Just in case of any remnants of subdrop are still around, yaknow.”

Rubi smiled and nodded her agreement. “I think we all do. Just because.”

Claudia grinned at her. “I like the way you think. And plenty of whipped cream for me, please!”

Logan sat in Derek’s office as his new friend and confidante poured him two fingers of good bourbon over ice. Derek brought two glasses over and handed one to him.

“Always did like Buffalo Trace,” Derek said, clinking his glass against Logan’s.

Logan took a sip of the fragrant bourbon. “I don’t drink all that often, but when I do, I appreciate a good bourbon. Thanks.”

Derek sat in the chair opposite him. “I always keep a little something on hand. So, I get the feeling this wasn’t just a random visit?”

“Yeah. I was hoping I could talk to you about something that I can’t really bring to any of my buddies back home.”

“Sure. Whatever I can do to help. And if it’s not something I feel confident in handling, I can give you a referral to Sam Denten, our other staff psychologist. He’s a great guy.”

“I’m sure he is, but is it okay if I start here?”

“Yeah, of course. What’s on your mind?”

Logan took another sip. “Well, things are going really well with my wife and me. Coming here was definitely the right choice, and we’ve made a lot of headway. Or, Rubi has. I knowher speaking to Catherine helped a lot. So did the advice you gave me the other day about taking her to the mirror room.”

“Ah, I’m glad that worked out.”

“It did, yeah. It was a game-changer for her, and she’s really learned to see herself differently. I’m so damn proud of her for being willing to even go there. But now I’ve realized it’s my turn.”

Derek shot him a grin. “I’m pretty sure you don’t mean being blindfolded in the mirror room.”

Logan chuckled. “Not in this lifetime. But it is my turn to deal with some heavy shit I’ve been carrying around. I loved being in the military. I love flying planes, being the one to train new pilots. The camaraderie. The sense of doing something important for our country. But it comes with the weight of the world sometimes, you know? Literally. The shit I’ve seen…. Well, I’ve been to therapy at the VA, of course, and it helps. But they have a pretty specific focus. And while I can say PTSD doesn’t affect me the way it did after certain… incidents, it’s still there. Lurking in the shadows. I’ve stayed on top of it. But coming here and watching my wife open herself up to me, being so damn vulnerable with me, it’s made me realize that I owe her the same in return. And I’m having a hard time doing that, giving that to her, while I’m so engaged in being her protector as we go through this experience. I don’t know how to separate it out.”

Derek nodded and took a sip of his drink, the ice cubes clinking as he set the glass back down on the small table between them. He leaned forward, elbows on his knees, his hands clasped.

“I might have to think on this, to be honest, Logan. I get that we sometimes have a hard time finding that balance because of who and what we are: the Dominants, the caretakers. How do we attend to our own self-care while we’re busy caring for everyone else?”

“Yeah, that’s it. I did a lot of that in the service, watching out for my squadron, then for the pilots I trained. I’ve always done it at home, too, especially raising our kids, but with Rubi, too. And a lot more since we came here because I have to. Because that role is what I signed up for as her Dominant. I can’t ask her to turn herself over to me so completely if I’m not there for her every second. She has to know she can depend on me. It’s kind of put me on hyper-alert, and I know she needs that from me right now. But how do I watch out for myself at the same time? It feels pretty much impossible, so I back-burner my own needs a lot. And even though we’ve only been here for six days, it’s just been a sort of exaggeration of what I’ve been doing most of my life. And shit, please tell me if I’m dumping too much on you.”

“No, no. Not at all,” Derek assured him. “I get that this isn’t a conversation you can have with your VA therapist, because the kink dynamic adds a whole other level of depth. It can get complicated. All I can say is, I’ve learned to take some time for myself. Had to, because running this place can be a lot. I love every minute of it; don’t get me wrong. But finding some sort of balance is crucial.

“I don’t have military experience, Logan, but I can tell you from a position of authority where I’m responsible for a whole lot of people, youhaveto take that time, in whatever form works for you. Go fishing. Read a book. Whatever it takes. When we put ourselves in these positions of responsibility, everyone expects a lot of us. And that’s okay because we choose to do this. But we also expect a lot from ourselves. Too much, sometimes.”

Logan nodded. “Yeah, that, for sure. And the result is that I’m not digging deep enough for her. Well, for me, but ultimately, it’s all for her. And she’s given me this incredible, honest vulnerability, while I’ve shut that part of myself down. And I don’t know where the hell to begin to open it up again.”

“This conversation is probably a good start. You’ve said the words out loud. That brings the topic to the table, right out here where you can see it. And I get the feeling you’re not about to look away now that you’re aware of it. You’re doing a good job here, Logan. You just gotta keep moving forward. You’ll get there. But you need to talk to me again? I’m here. And by the way, my friend Arrow, a BDSM educator, will be here next week to present some classes for our winter educational program. I know you mentioned you weren’t planning to go to any classes, but he’s a good guy, very relatable, really knows his stuff, and he’s ex-military. I think it might be helpful to attend one or two of his classes, and then maybe talk to him.”

“Huh. That sounds like it could be good. I’ll definitely check out the class schedule.”

“He’s a great guy to talk to. I can introduce you if you like.”

“Thanks, Derek. It does help to put it out there, like you said.”

“Now you just have to do that with her,” Derek reminded him with a smile and a twinkle in his eye as he lifted his glass. “To being vulnerable.”

Logan lifted his own glass but paused before touching it to Derek’s. “I kinda hate this toast.”

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