Page 15 of Rediscovering Rubi

Claudia looked at Rubi. “Yes, I think so. Rubi, my divorce was terrible for me. My ex was so cruel, and much of his cruelty was about the way I looked. He attached my entire sense of value to my looks—to my weight—because I went through a thyroid issue and gained quite a bit. And over time, I judged my own value in the same way, too. I’m learning now that I’m a worthy human being, regardless. That I would be even if the combination of the stress of the divorce and getting my thyroid straightened outhadn’t caused me to lose the weight. And I’ve come to learn just how unnecessary his lack of kindness was, but I’m still affected by the things he said. It still bothers me that my skin sags in places because I lost forty pounds so quickly—in a matter of maybe eight weeks. I know I shouldn’t be so concerned about it, but it’s hard to go against a lifetime of programming. I’m working on it. And… I think I would like to find someone to submit to again, someday. Maybe. But I have so much work to do on myself, still. I have no idea what I’ll want when I get to the other side.”

Rubi took Claudia’s hand in hers. “If you want it, you should try. You deserve to have your needs met. And frankly, your ex sounds like an asshole. He doesn’t deserve to claim that piece of your well-being. Certainly not forever.”

Claudia smiled. “You’re right. And the same applies to you, my new friend, about deserving to have your needs met.”

Rubi’s eyes stung with tears, and she grasped Claudia’s hand tighter. “I know you’re right. And since we arrived here, it’s felt as if it’s almost within my grasp. Our grasp. But the ‘what ifs’ are so frightening. What if we can’t get there? What ifIcan’t? What if we came here with this grand vision in mind, and it just doesn’t work?”

“But what if it does?” Reese asked, smiling at her. “It seems to me that the fact you both came here with the same vision means you both want it. I think that’s a pretty solid scenario for success, don’t you?”

A smile broke through her tears. “You two are amazing people, you know that?”

Reese squared her shoulders and grinned. “We sure as heck are.”

Claudia laughed. “I’m learning to believe that. You can, too, Rubi.”

They all chatted a bit more as they finished their cider, and Bossy P, Reese’s parrot, flapped in to join them, perching on Reese’s shoulder and nuzzling her cheek. He even stretched his neck out to give Rubi a kiss when Reese asked him to, and Rubi was delighted by his antics. By the time they were done, the sun was high overhead, and she was getting hungry—and felt as if she’d made two good friends. She left Reese and Claudia after promising to meet up with them again soon, and made her way back to the lodge, where she ran into Logan stepping off the elevators.

“Hey, babe,” he said, sweeping her into his arms. He leaned in close and murmured against her ear, “You’re gonna love their Dungeon. Like we saw on the website, they have a bunch of private play spaces and different themed rooms. And, baby, I can hardly wait to start tonight.”

She stopped in her tracks and turned to look up at him. “Tonight?”

He faced her, laying both palms on her heated cheeks. “We need to jump in, remember? Before you get cold feet. I know you’re nervous. But I also know what’s best for you. Do you trust me, Rubi?”

His dark gaze was locked on hers, and she could see his intention was not to cut her much slack about this, if any. And something about that kernel of knowledge helped her to relax a bit.

I am in his hands.

Yes.

“Yes. I trust you.”

“Good girl. Now let’s rustle up some lunch.”

CHAPTER 4

Rubi had taken a nice, long bath, done her hair and makeup—paying more attention than she had in ages—and was now faced with the dilemma of what to wear to her first night of kink play in almost twenty years.

She’d brought a short, black satin nightie with lace trim that now seemed too simple and would inevitably cover too much skin. Before the trip she’d bought some new lingerie that now seemed like almost too much. Too skimpy.

This is your husband.The man who’s been by your side since college.

She’d been repeating that like a mantra in her head all day, but it wasn’t helping. She’d looked a whole lot different twenty years ago. And now she was going to be naked—or nearly naked. She knew how Logan played. He’d have her wrists and ankles bound, probably spread-eagle on a St. Andrew’s Cross, or maybe a table, every part of her body too-clearly visible to him.

“Ugh!”

She pushed her hair behind her ears and tried to do some of the breathing he’d taught her all those years ago, but it didn’t do anything to calm her. With a long exhale, she sat down on the foot of the bed and tried not to cry.

“Babe, you almost ready?” Logan asked from the doorway. Then, seeming to realize what a mess she was, he was at her side in a few long strides, his arm around her shoulders. “Baby, I know you’re nervous, but it’s going to be okay. You know your safe words. You know I’ll honor them. And you know I love you.”

She sniffed, leaning into his broad shoulder. “I do. I know all of that. But still…”

He tucked a few fingers under her chin and tilted her head up to face him, staring into her eyes. “But still, you’re nervous about how it’s all gonna go. I get it. Or, I’m doing my best to understand how you’re feeling and why. Is there anything else you need to tell me that you haven’t? Is there more I need to know before we start?”

“I think… I think I’ve brought every issue up with you. But now that it’s about to happen, I’m a bundle of nerves. I don’t know what to wear, and I don’t think I brought the right things with me, and… I sound silly, I know. But it’s as if a thousand things are rushing around in my head right now, and I don’t know how to stop any of them.”

“Sure you do,” he said, his voice low and gentle, yet there was a sternness there, too. A certainty. “How you do it is, you hand it all over to me.”

The moment he said the words, her entire body went warm and loose.

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