Page 39 of Submit

“It’s been eight days,” she said quietly. “And do you have any idea how miserable I’ve been?”

He nodded. “I think I have some idea. I let you down, Skye, in the worst possible fucking way, and I’m so, so sorry. There’s no excuse. I know that. But it’s also been eight long days with me driving myself crazy thinking about you. Needing you. Fucking needing you until I thought I would explode. Needing to touch you, to kiss you, God damn it. But just as much to talk to you. But I spent a week being stubborn. Being stupid. I know I’m an asshole, Skye. I’m sorry, I truly am sorry. And I know we hardly know each other, except that we do. We know each other down to our souls in ways I’ve never thought was possible. I’ve talked about it before, the intensity of connection in the BDSM life. I’ve been on panels speaking about it, even though I’ve never allowed myself to go there with anyone. It’s always been something I observed from a distance. But I get it. I always have, at least in some abstract way, and now I really do, down to the bone, I swear to you, Skye. It’s like the time is condensed for us, magnified by the things we do together. By the trust that’s implicit in these acts. Do you know what I mean?”

“Yes. I know exactly. But you broke that trust, Adam.”

He started to reach for her, then drew his hand back and fisted it at his side. “I did. I completely fucked up. But what I’m trying to tell you is that you’ve opened my eyes to a lot of things I’ve tried to brush under the rug for most of my life. The way I feel about you has forced me to examine myself in a way I simply refused to before. And I know this probably sounds like a lot of excuses, and I can’t blame you for that, but Skye…” He paused, and she swore she saw a sheen of tears in his blue eyes. “Skye, I don’t think I could have gotten to this place with anyone else. It had to be you.

She was beginning to loosen up all over, to warm up finally. The heat started where his hands slid down onto her arms, spread down into her belly. It was the intensity of the physical chemistry between them—there was no denying it. But it was something more, too. She could see it in his face. Felt it in every beat of her heart.

“Tell me what this means, Adam?” she asked. “Please.”

“I don’t know—not exactly. This is all new to me. But I want to find out.”

She watched the transformation as his features went soft, making her heart surge. She saw pure, raw emotion there for the first time. Saw the gentle gleam in his eyes as he stroked her cheeks with his thumbs, bent down and kissed her. His lips were the sweetest thing she’d ever tasted. And his hands holding her face felt warm. Safe. Her breath came out on a sigh laced with gentle tears.

She pulled away. “I’ve been so mad at you. And you’ve been so damn stubborn.”

“Yes. Stubborn. Stupid. Fucking scared. And I’m sorry. I am. So damn sorry I put us both through this.”

She held onto his shoulders because she needed to touch him. Needed something to hang on to. “I’ve been scared, too. And I know I’ve had my walls up, but you made me tear them down. You told me I’d have to, but I had no idea how helpless against it I’d be, how impossible it would become to hold onto those protective walls. I haven’t been able to fight it. And I was so mad that you could.”

“Not really. Oh, I had myself convinced for a minute that I could hold back with you, but we both know how that turned out. I put on a good show for a little while, though, didn’t I?” He smoothed a hand over her hair. “That’s kind of my specialty.”

“Don’t ever do that with me again, Adam,” she said fiercely, her fingers digging into the heavy muscle of his shoulders.

“Baby…” His expression grew more serious, his brows drawn together as he studied her face, then kissed her lips softly before he pulled back. “I won’t. At least, I’ll try my best not to. I won’t be perfect at it at first. I’m counting on you to call me on it if I start going down that road again. If we’re going to be together, I need a woman who can do that, who can stand up to me as needed. Who wants the kink, but isn’t always the submissive. I want a woman who can think. I want a woman like you.”

“Do you? Tell me again. I need to hear it.”

He bent his head until his forehead rested on hers. He said quietly, “I want you, Skye. I want to be with you. I need to be with you. Fucking need to. It’s that need that forced me to push through the resistance I’ve built up all my life because I couldn’t risk… losing someone again. But I need you more than I want to avoid all that shit I thought I’d dealt with. I still have a way to go, but I don’t want you to ever doubt it again. I won’t be the kind of man you’ve always been afraid every man would be.”

“It’s true. And it was unfair. Leftover stuff from my utterly undependable father, I suppose, but I had no right to project that onto you.”

“No, I understand it. And I almost was that man. But I couldn’t let myself be. Because I need you, my beautiful girl. Because I love you.”

A sob escaped her. “Adam…”

His hands wrapped around her, pulling her in tight. He whispered, “Is it not what you wanted to hear? Because I can’t fucking help myself. Maybe it sounds insane, but I love you, Skye. I just do.”

Tears pooled, blurring everything but the sensation of his body pressed against hers, every plane, every muscle, every beat of his heart held tight against her.

“This is exactly where I want you to be, Adam. Exactly what I needed to hear. Maybe we’ve both gone crazy, because I love you, too. I do.”

His arms tightened until she could barely breathe, but she didn’t care. He kissed her hair, pulled back to kiss her cheeks, her neck, then finally her mouth, over and over, until her head was swimming, her heart bursting.

“I love you, my baby,” he murmured against her mouth. “And I need you now.”

“I need you, too,” she told him, gazing into his blue eyes as she stroked his rough cheek. “But God, I’m such a mess!”

“You’re perfect,” he murmured.

“I need to… properly prepare myself for you. Always.”

“How about this? How about I undress you and put you in a nice warm shower, and get in with you. I want to take care of my baby. I want to wash your hair.”

A shiver went through her, and it was desire and joy and pure comfort all at the same time. “Oh, that would be so lovely.”

He took her by the hand and led her to the small bathroom, letting her go only long enough to reach into the shower and turn on the hot water. He kissed her forehead before he drew her thermal top over her head, then gently helped her out of her sweat pants, then her panties. The room was filling up with steam, but she was shivering.

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