Page 33 of Submit

Chapter Ten

Adam raised his head to look into her eyes and saw they were brimming with emotion, with pain, as much as they were with tears. The sight of her like this hit him like a blow to the chest.

“Skye, I don’t mean it like that. I’m not angry. Not with you. I’m angry with myself. I should never have done this to you.”

He stroked her cheek, and she turned her face into his palm, closing her eyes. Skin like hot satin. His hand was wet with her tears.

Shit.

“This is exactly why I never should have done this.” He could hear the raw edge in his own voice.

“I wanted you to,” she whispered, her voice rough. “I begged you.”

“Still, it was my responsibility to stay in control. But I… I lose it when I’m with you, Skye. You just… shatter me.”

Christ, had he really said that out loud?

He wiped at her tears with his thumbs. “I’m sorry. I was so out of my head. But it’s inexcusable, losing control like this. Fuck. I’m sorry.”

“Please don’t be. Don’t tell me you’re sorry about any of this! Don’t do that to me, Adam.”

“Fuck,” he muttered again, then gathered her in his arms and carried her into the living room.

He couldn’t stand to put her in his bed, couldn’t take the intimacy of it right then. Instead, he laid her down on the sofa and draped a blanket over her, then sat next to her and pulled the end of the blanket over his lap.

His heart was hammering. Pure panic. What the hell was going on with him? And lord, she was beautiful. He’d never seen such a purely beautiful being in his life. But right now, she looked absolutely tortured, her brown eyes enormous. Pleading. His gut twisted with guilt.

She stared up at him quietly for several moments. Then she swallowed—he could see her throat working—and said, “Adam, tell me why this was so wrong. Haven’t you ever slept with the girls you trained before?”

“No. Never.”

“But… I did say on the questionnaire you gave me that sexual contact was fine. You asked about it.”

“Yes.”

“Then why?”

He raked a hand back over his hair once more. Keep it simple. “I don’t get emotionally involved with the girls I train.”

“Who do you become emotionally involved with?” she asked, her voice quiet.

His jaw clenched. “No one.”

“But surely you must have sex with… someone?”

He nodded. His jaw was clenched so tightly he felt like it might break. He did not want to have this conversation with her.

“I don’t understand, Adam. And I need to understand. Please. Give me that much.”

He said quietly, “The girls I train are not the only ones I see. There are other women I date sometimes. Vanilla women. But with them it’s just sex. There’s no real intimacy, none of the connection that comes so much more easily in the kink arena. Well, for some people.”

She was quiet for several long moments, biting her lip.

“You do it to avoid connection,” she finally said. It wasn’t a question.

He only nodded. He could barely stand to look at her, she was so fucking beautiful with her long hair everywhere, her gaze burning into him. She was trying so hard to understand through the haze of what he knew damn well was still subspace. Which made him even more of an asshole.

“I see.” She paused, her fingers curling and uncurling around the edge of the blanket. “But this was sex. Just sex. I wasn’t asking for anything more. Tell me why it was wrong, Adam.”

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