Page 14 of True Me

“I love you, Grandma. I’ve always loved you and will always appreciate everything you have done for me over the years you’ve raised me. I couldn’t ask for a better grandma than the one I was gifted. Find your peace and let your soul rest knowing I’ll eventually be happy again. Let go, Grandma and fly high with the angels where you can spread your wings and fly without the pain that’s filled your body for so long,” I whisper as Cash places a hand on my back and I feel Eagle walk in the room and close the door behind him to lock us in our own private world.

I always know when Cash and Eagle are near me. An immediate sense of peace and calm wash over me because I know without a doubt they’ll protect me with their lives and will do everything in their power to make me happy and know I’m loved. This is proven once again when I watch Cash lean over my body to place a kiss against my grandma’s forehead.

“We’ve got your girl, Grandma. I promised you I would always be there for her and that I’d love her like I’ve never loved another person before in my life. Every single promise I made you when it comes to our girl will come true because I love her. Rebel is my Doll and I won’t let anyone hurt her again. Give her the time to heal from losin’ you and she’ll be happy once again,” he says, his voice breaking with the emotion filling him as he stands back and Eagle takes his place, leaning over my body as the nurse continues to do her thing while I focus on my men and grandma.

“Grandma, we all love you and have cherished the memories we were lucky enough to make with you over the years we’ve had the privilege of knowin’ you. Like Cash said, I’ll always keep my promises to you regardin’ Rebel. We won’t let her shut us out because that’s what she’s about to do without you here with her. I know you’ve got your plans in place and we’ll ensure every single detail is followed through. We’ll love Rebel and give her the life she deserves. A life filled with laughter, love, and bein’ treated like the queen you’ve raised her to be,” Eagle says, his voice breaking like Cash’s as he presses a soft kiss against my grandma’s cheek before stepping back as Cash and him place hands on my back in comfort and support as I remain at her side.

With Cash, Eagle, and me looking at my grandma, I watch as her chest rises and falls for the last time. She takes her last breath and the beating of her heart monitor goes to that long, solid, continuous beep that shatters my heart into a million pieces that will never be put back together again. It was hard when I lost my parents in the plane crash and I lost myself for a while. The feeling coursing through me right now is so much worse than what I felt when I lost the two people who gave me life.

“No!” I scream out as Eagle and Cash surround me but don’t pull me away from Grandma’s side. “Come back to me!”

I scream ‘no’ repeatedly as my legs give out and I start to collapse to the floor. Cash and Eagle don’t allow me to hit the ground before I’m lifted into strong arms and rocked while a steady, strong presence presses into my back. I sob uncontrollably and continue to scream out my pain while keeping my eyes shut tight. The beeping of the monitor doesn’t continue to fill the small room, a stark reminder of the life I’ve just lost.

“Fuck!” I hear another voice penetrate the fog filling me as I keep my head buried in Eagle’s chest.

Taking a deep breath, I pull myself from between Eagle and Cash and press one more soft kiss against my grandma’s forehead before turning and leaving the room that now has Crow, Hawk, Reaper, and Alex taking up space. I walk past all of them without a word and make my way through the silent common room and upstairs. Instead of going to Cash or Eagle’s room, I make my way to Pound’s room. Locking his door behind me, I climb in his bed and pull the blankets up over my head as I scream and sob until I become an empty shell and have no tears left to cry and no voice to scream out in pain from losing the one person who has had my back when no one else was there to give me the support and strength when I needed it the most.

Waking up, my eyesare practically swollen closed from crying as my head pounds. My stomach is rolling and I try to suck in deep breaths so I don’t get sick. The pain surrounding my heart hurts so much and I don’t see a day when it will ever go away. Looking around the room after pulling down the blankets, I’m surprised Eagle and Cash aren’t here with me. Though, a part of me isn’t surprised because for the first time I’m truly alone in the world. No matter how much the men and women of the club want to be there for me, I can’t accept their help because they won’t be in my life forever. They have their own lives and my grief is only going to drag me down and hold me back. I won’t let anyone else suffer because of me. Especially Eagle and Cash when they would give up everything to remain at my side. That’s why I came to Pound’s room. No one but me ever comes in here these days.

I’m the one who cleans this room and ensures nothing of his is touched or moved by anyone. It literally looks the exact way it did the day he died. There are still dirty clothes littering the floor by his hamper. Half a bottle of Jack sits on his desk on top of the papers scattered across the top with a closed laptop off to the side. His pack of cigarettes rest on his nightstand with a picture of the two of us behind them. I have the same picture at home on my dresser. The only thing missing besides the man is his cut. I know it’s been taken care of by the club however they deal with the death of a member. I don’t really remember that time because his death almost broke me. My grandma’s death now has completely shattered me in ways no one else ever will.

Pulling the blankets back up over my head, I let the tears start to fall once again and do nothing to stop them from falling. My stomach is empty and I have no desire to fill it with food. I know I need to eat to keep my strength up but that’s the last thing I want to do. It means getting out of this bed that no longer smells like Pound and facing the men and women of this club. I refuse to be vulnerable in front of anyone ever again. My grandma tried to teach me it’s okay to be vulnerable in front of others, but I can’t risk my heart or mental health right now. Too much of me is ruined beyond repair.

I shut myself away from the world and sink into the grief pulling me under until it’s all I can see or feel. Images of my grandma filter through my mind and I think of the times we shared over the years as she raised me and taught me everything she knew. Not all of the lessons were happy or good, but they were ones I needed to learn in order to live my life free and without her worrying about me every second of each day we were given.

I try to pull from the strength she always seemed to have, but it’s useless. Her strength, heart, lessons, and everything about her is now gone. My only hope now is that her soul is free and can move on to the next phase of her life so she can watch over me and guide me along my journey without her here by my side. So that she can see my parents again and help them as I try to navigate my new normal life without my family at my side. In a world that’s cold, empty, and going to be filled with immense loneliness.

Chapter Eight

Eagle

SITTING IN THE commonroom at a table in the back with Cash, we don’t look at anyone or talk. There are no words to be said in the quiet room. This is honestly one of the few times I’ve ever heard the clubhouse so fucking silent. The death of Rebel’s grandma is hitting everyone hard. Ol’ ladies are silently crying in the arms of their men while Rebel is on her own in Pound’s room. The door is locked. Cash and I both tried to get her to open up and let us in but she never answered us. Neither one of us will just walk in his room. It’s been left as is and Rebel is the only one who enters the space that’s been empty for so long. Pound wouldn’t have given a shit if we went in his space, but it feels as if we’re breaching something sacred to Rebel and that she needs this time to work through the loss she’s suffering through on her own. I know without a doubt she’s going to use this as a reason to push all of us away. For the first time, Rebel is going to try to handle this shit on her own and until she leaves his space, there’s nothing we can do for her. It fucking guts me to know we’re being shut out.

“Where is she?” Alex asks, walking up to us with tears rolling down her face as she stands in front of us.

"In Pound’s room,” Cash answers, his voice devoid of all emotion as he stares at the table in front of him.

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