Page 154 of Rage

Climbing on my boat, I don’t even bother to try and get the engine going. My shoes drop to the deck as I lean over the edge for the rope holding me tethered to shore.

I’ve done something terrible. How could I continue to be so foolish? Naivety and ignorance have become my defining features, it seems. All that intelligence and learning couldn’tteach me lessons of wisdom. I saw that I could do something, something amazing. I reached out and grasped onto it. I sought to further mankind—myself.

I was so consumed with whether I could that never once did I wonder if Ishould.

What have I made? The devil, no doubt. Casper charmed me—first with his character, and then with sex. But now that I’ve glimpsed at his thoughts, I’m running in terror. Not even just for my sake, but for everyone’s. He must not make it to me, must not get on this boat and go to the other shore.

The rope comes free at the same time as he rips the door from the lighthouse. A panicked whine escapes my lips as he throws it—thick wood and iron that was weighted to withstand bay winds. It launches somewhere on the island, and then I see his eyes staring at me from the cave of the lighthouse’s entrance. Yellow eyes burn in the darkness. My devil is coming to collect me.

I push myself from the dock and grab the oars, frantically dipping them into the water as the sky opens with a crack and rain pours down. How could anywhere rain so goddamn much? My hands slip on the smooth wooden handles as I lunge with all my strength, pushing the oars against the water.

Rain collects in my eyelashes, making it all so blurry. I’m a lost soul in a sinister Monet painting. No white hats and pretty flowers, no calm waters and beautiful nature–it’s all twisted science, raging seas, and damned souls.

I wipe my eyes and see Casper on the shore, standing at the end of the dock as I float away. Not even the rain can hide his tears. He looks like the definition of defeat, with hanging arms and loss painted across his features. I stop paddling and stare back at him. The hope on his face kills me. He waits for me to change my mind, to come back to him.

I put the oars back in the water and keep going until all I see is water and fog. Then, I pull in the oars and lay down,sobbing until I find the will to get up and start the engine. My arms shake, weak from the rowing, but I get the engine going eventually.

How I wish more than anything that I didn’t have to abandon Casper. I love him more than I could ever possibly love anything, but we will destroy each other. I’m already living with murderous sins, and him? He doesn’t just have the face of the killer, he has the desires of them packaged up with the smartest brain and brawniest body. I’ve made a monster. I can’t ignore my duty to humanity, even though I sorely wish I could. I can’t simply shrug off my morals and side with Casper.

I grind my teeth and grip the edge of the boat as tears fall into my lap. I made him, every part. I wipe my eyes and make the boat move toward the university’s shore. If anyone should accept him, it’s me. That isn’t the issue here, though. I accept him, but I cannot allow him to exist anywhere but in a vacuum—an empty island where his existence can remain beautiful, even if dark.

If he came to shore…the havoc he would wreak would be phenomenal. It would be a disaster grander than the small one I created merely by making him. The moment I spilled blood was the beginning of the end.

I can barely see anything as I coast into the boat house. The embers have already died in the engine. The thunder, lightning, and wind never came, but the fog is as thick as ever, and the rain is a loud hiss I can barely hear anything over. It falls so hard from the sky that the bay looks like it's spitting upwards as drops pelt its surface.

Inside the boat house, I sit, listening to the metal roof bombarded by the downpour. My eyes drift to the corner where I left Professor Bram’s ghost. He’s hovering menacingly in the shadows with his mouth shut.

I go to moor the boat, and Professor Bram comes forward. Except it’s not the professor–it’s the detective.

“Where have you been?” he asks, and I drop the rope into the water, my eyes wide on him. Panic crashes into me. I feel as if I can’t even touch the ground, as if my belly is swollen with helium, my body as unmoored as the boat.

“No,” I say. “No, I—” I back up.

“Careful,” he says, stepping onto the boat. I realize there’s a gun in one of his hands. My eyes flash to him. Suddenly, what I once saw as a protector is now something else entirely. Though he hasn’t changed at all, it’s me. I’m an outcast from the society he protects. I’m a murderer.

“I know it was you. Someone saw something that night.”

“You don’t understand,” I respond, backing up further on the boat. My feet bump into my forgotten shoes, and the boat sways, nearly throwing me off it. The wind finally picks up, making the water wilder.

“You’re right, I don’t. What could drive a woman to kill her professor in cold blood? Was it an affair?” He has to yell over the rain hitting the roof.

“No!” I gasp. “Nothing like that.”

“It’s okay, Miss Hawthorne. Maybe he was aggressive about it and you didn’t want it.”

“Stop it,” I hiss. He steps forward, going around the port end to get past the engine. He feels far too close. Once he can reach out and grab me, it’s all over. I try to back up further, but my feet tangle with rope.

“Stop moving. You don’t want to fall into these waters. Just come with me, and you can explain what happened.”

“I can’t explain what happened,” I choke out. If I told him, he would know about Casper, and they would kill him. Lord forgive me, but I cannot see him dead.

“Was it an accident?” he asks.

“Slicing a man’s throat and disposing of it is hardly accidental.” I nearly laugh.

“Right,” he says, unamused. “Please, Samantha, come with me.” He holds out his hand, his eyes looking concerned I might fling myself off the boat. Maybe I should. I can swim. I’ll swim all the way back to Casper, and we can live in our vacuum until death.

Five miles. That’s how far the lighthouse is.

---