Page 145 of Rage

The cat outside the window runs off. I wouldn’t have killed it anyway. I like it, even if it’s scared of me—just like Samantha.

The storm that was brewing all morning finally arrives as I lift the scalpel to my mouth. My hand trembles as I spot lightning in the distance. The pain of my birth still lingers in my bones when I see flashes of light.

Thunder cracks, and the building around me groans and wails as the wind pummels it. I tease the scalpel under the first thread in my mouth. I could stop now, not operate on myself, not try to fix the things Samantha thought it best I went without. I could be her little object, her experiment—neither man nor monster.

But whether she intended it or not… I love her, and this love will drive me to do what might be the wrong choice. Lightningflashes, and I swallow. Thunder booms, and I cut—one thread at a time, as swiftly as possible until nothing is keeping my mouth shut any longer.

My lips peel apart, my teeth seeing light for the first time. I open my jaw and snap it shut. As the darkness descends outside, my reflection becomes clearer in the window. I stretch my mouth wide, smiling.

I’m sorry I love you, Samantha. There’s no going back now.

My fingers dip into the alcohol-filled jar and finger out the tongue. I practice opening and closing my mouth. My jaw is already sore, my cheeks burning from the single smile. I’ll have to practice, but I’m good at that. I’ve come so far already, and I’ll continue to grow.

The surgery takes all day and night. It’s difficult making everything connect—extremely tedious—but I’ve perfected my hand-eye coordination to prepare for this. Gone are the days I can no longer pinch a pencil.

Samantha is pleased by my dexterity, and I’m pleased to show her. However, I’ve hidden other things from her. I’ve hidden so much, all because she fears me.

The surgery hurts, but it’ll be worth all this trouble and pain.

Samantha has so many expressions—her lips stretching in a thin line, her face spreading wide in a smile, and sometimes, even her mouth opening to spill laughter. I’ll learn how to do all of it.

I take off my clothes and climb out the window. The tongue is heavy in my mouth as I stand on the shore. I stare at the sky, my arms open wide in welcome, my hands holding metal rods. I’m scared, but for her, there is no suffering or terror I won’t withstand.

Brightness and pain overtake me. I’ve been struck by lightning. Everything goes black.

When I dream, it's of death. I’ve never seen this before. I don’t think I’m the man from before. I’m standing on a platform, a scratchy rope around my neck, a gathered crowd looking up at me. The wooden planks creak beneath my feet, the crowd jeering, and I smile at their hatred. I hate all of them too. I’d kill them all if I hadn’t been stopped. Why, why, why—that’s all anyone asks. Why kill all those people?

Why?I asked back. Because it wasfun. Who cares if I kill them? We all die in the end. Plus, they wanted it. They wanted me. That charming boyish smile was irresistible, so I gave them what they wanted. I gave themme.

Then, the floor gives out, and I fall through the little brown hole. I think I’m going to be strangled, but I’m not. My neck snaps, and I’m instantly dead.

Then, the previous dream comes back to me—the yelling, anger, and fear. Samantha’s voice takes on tones I’ve never heard—demanding, begging, pleading. She’s distraught and I’m upset.

“You must stop this,” I say. It's the man in the jar, the one whose brain I have. Samantha looks every bit the madwoman I’m calling her. Her hair is a disheveled mess, her eyes blazing with mania as tears fall down her face.

“I’ll have to alert the authorities,” I tell her, trying to make her see reason. I turn away from her and then…

Then, there's red pouring from my neck.

“You’ll be part of this one way or another, Professor.” I’ve fallen to the floor—I’m dying. I try to get out of the room, to find help, but she’s sitting in a chair in front of the door, blocking my escape. There’s blood up to her elbows, twin smears beneath her eyes where she wiped her face clean of tears. The Edison bulbs reflect in her eyes as she watches me die.

I wake with a start, sweat over my body. I look around in a panic for Samantha, but she isn’t sitting at the door watching medie. I’m outside the lighthouse. I’m Casper again, whoever that might be. I get up and crawl back through the window, dripping rainwater on the floor as I slam the pane shut behind me. I shake my head and look at the mirrored reflection in the glass, stretching my mouth in acharming boyish smile. It transforms my face from an apathetic glare into something else entirely, something I think Samantha would like.

Even though I love her, I don’t think I should trust her.

I stare at the devilish smirk on my face and remember laughing with a noose around my neck. I don’t think I should trustmyselfeither. Samantha, what have you made?

I open my mouth and watch as I move my new tongue the smallest twitch.

Chapter Four

Samantha

Iwake up with a start as I escape my unsettling dreams.

After a disorienting moment, I collapse back into my blankets. I’m tired of this guilt. I thought time would wash it away, but it has only stained my mind further. There’s sweat on my forehead despite the cool temperature of my dorm room. Through the window, I can see the storm has finally cleared. The campus buildings loom in deep grays and, beyond that, I can see the bay. A heavy fog blankets the calm waters. The big storm lasted three days, and I couldn’t make it across the water to the lighthouse. It’s the longest I’ve left Casper alone.

I’m eager to get back, but I’ll have to wait until after class today. I’ve been skipping too many of my lectures, and people are taking notice. The detectives have asked to speak to me at the school today…for the second time. More than anything, I want to forget that and race across the bay to Casper.

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