Page 110 of Rage

I get the words out somehow, through my tears, through the pain of having to remember it; to remember the way my breath fogged the air before his hand clamped down on my mouth, muffling my cries…

The quiet noises of the park around us, the heavy air promising rain…

Smelling the exhaust fumes of cars on the freeway, the feel of his clammy hand as he reached between my legs to rip off the fabric…

I want to forget it all, but I force the words out of my mouth; detached, senseless syllables speaking my truth.

I didn’t cheat. I just didn’t want to remember.

I can’t look at her when I finish speaking.

I just can’t bring myself to see the look of disgust that I’m sure has taken over her face.

I stare at the comforter, my eyes fixed on the single twisted thread that’s pulled loose from the rest. A metaphor for my current state, plucked from the whole and beginning to unravel.

The silence between us stretches out a breath too long, two heartbeats past uncomfortable. She is the first to break it though; mainly because I have few words left, just my silent sobs.

“Holy fuck, Kathy. Why didn’t you tell me?”

I urge the words to come forth, pouring out of me in a torrent of anxiety through the flood of tears that stain me. “Because I was ashamed. Defiled. Abused. Because I didn’t want—because if I said it, if I told anyone, it would make it real and I just wantedto forget and move on. I didn’t want to think about it, to feel dirty, broken… I didn’t want to feel ugly.”

She takes my face in her hands, one on either cheek, looking directly at me. “You’ll never be ugly to me, you’re the most beautiful soul. Please don’t think that about yourself, darling.”

My eyes hurt, my head hurts, my heart hurts—for us. What left of us, now that I’ve been broken apart? “He made me feel ugly, Lara. Because—Because he put thatthingin me, and…” I break off again, because I know she understands. I don’t like it, never liked the feeling of anything inside me, penetrating me.

A fresh wave of sobs overtakes me, and she clutches my limp bones to her chest, cradling me in her soft warmth.

Her voice resonates through me, spoken against the strands of my hair and felt right through her breast, each utterance taking me in its grip with her firm tone. “I love you, Katherine. I love you; do you hear what I’m saying? I can’t… You didn’t have to bear this burden alone though. If you’re hurting, then I am too, sweetness, don’t you know that? You are a part of me, and we’re in this together, always. And whatever… Whatever he did to you, you’re still mine.”

I look at her, twisting my body to kneel up and place a soft kiss on her lips. Reassurance, comfort, safety—that’s what she’s always been to me, whenever the doubts start to strike and the fear creeps in. “I am. Always.”

We stay like that for one second, two… Nose to nose, breathing in each other’s air, holding our space together.

I’m calmer now, and so is she, having declared and affirmed ourselves once more. But the questions… The questions are still there on her familiar features, brown eyes expressive in their desire for comprehension.

“But why? I still don’t understand. Why didn’t you feel like you could talk to me about any of this?”

“The Garcia account; you were so stressed about it. And you had to fly out that morning, so I couldn’t put more pressure on you.”

“You didn’t tell me you were assaulted by a man because you were worried about some fucking work thing? You thought that was more important than you being fuckingraped, Kath? How… How did it get to this?”

“I don’t…” I can barely hear my own voice, because I don’t know. Or… Maybe I do. “It wasn’t just that. I knew you’d react like this, you’d?—”

“Like what?”

exactly like this; my avenging angel…

I take her in, looking up at her defensive posture, poised for battle, ready to burn down the world to right this wrong… It’s always been her way. She fights hard to protect the things she loves, and I truly love that about her. But I can’t handle it being turned on me.

“This… This anger, Lara. I knew you’d be angry at the whole thing, at the—at the world for even daring. It’s one of the things I love about you, that I’vealwaysloved about you, but sometimes, you can be a little… scary.”

I trail off as she collapses in on herself, deflating at my word choice. “Scary? I?—”

“Intimidating, then. Just… sometimes. And—and I know it’s you, and youhaveto be like that sometimes, and you always mean well, but…”

“Oh, Kath.” She pulls me back into her lap again, holding me, piecing me back together with every synchronized breath. She only breaks her hold to send a message to work, telling them she’s staying home today.

For me.

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