Page 33 of Count On Me

“Edie, your dad’s a dick. Hawaii.” Through the tears, I manage a giggle, and nod my head in agreement.

“Um, you won’t tell Mama I broke her vase and cursed will you? I don’t wanna get in more trouble,” he says as I pull away from him.

“I won’t say a word. Hawaii.” I watch as his grin breaks into a full blown smile.

“I knew it. That’s gonna be our thing forever now, Eddie. Hawaii.”

A loud knock on the front door makes me jump and brings me out of my memories. I heave myself up and bring my robe tighter to my body. As I squint through the peephole, I make out Jaxson’s smiling face. I sigh as I open the door to him, and then panic as I realise he’s here to question me about Tom. And I am not prepared.

“What do you want, Jaxson?” I blurt out as I swing the door open. The wounded look in his eyes that greets me makes my stomach fall into my knees.

“Um, I wanted to see if you were okay and explain about the headline.” He grabs the back of his neck nervously.

I want to wrap my arms around his waist, rest my head on his chest and squeeze him, but instead I tell him almost robotically, “What you get up to is none of my business, Jaxson. Feel free to knock boots with whatever doll you want.”

I turn away from him and walk back into the kitchen. I hear his little shocked gasp and then his footsteps thundering behind me.

“That’s bullshit, Eddie. Everything I do is your business. It always has been. And it always fucking will be, just like yours is mine. Why are you acting like this? I went to Lockheart’s house last night. Call him and ask him. I’m telling the truth. Hawaii.” His voice drips with confusion and desperation.

“Why am I acting like what? I’m just your friend, Jaxson. Not a girlfriend, not anything, just a fucking friend. What you get up to in your private life isn’t my concern. And stop fucking Hawaii-ing me,” I snap back to him, raising my hand to my temple, my head starting to thump. One of my migraines is coming.

His eyes follow my hand and his brows pull together as my words sink in. “Just a fucking friend?Just a fucking friend?” His voice is hushed but frantic. “That’s bullshit and you know it. You mean more to me than any other person on this planet. I don’t care if you don’t want to hear it. What's with you? All of a sudden you’re different. You’re changing and I fucking hate it. Edie…”

He reaches out to touch my arm but I step away, knowing if he touches me, I’ll cave and tell him everything’s okay.

And then we’ll end up back in the same situation we were in before.

I don’t want to pine over him anymore. I just want him.

“Maybe it’s the right time for a change, Jaxson,” I tell him quietly and bring my eyes to meet his so he can see I mean what I say.

“Why?” The vulnerability lacing his voice breaks my heart but I stand strong.

“Because I need a change. I deserve one. I can’t keep counting on you, Jax. I need to count on myself more.” I turn away from him and head into my bedroom, slamming the door behind me. My breath is stuck in my throat and I push my ear against my bedroom door, listening for his retreating footsteps. As soon as I hear the front door slam, I breathe out a huge sigh of relief.

A gentle knock at my door lets me know Angie heard everything. And as she stands in the doorway, I fall into her open arms and let my tears flow.

20

EDIE

Brunch was brutal. It consisted of me venting, feeling guilty, and getting told off by Angie. She was right in everything she said, and I shouldn’t feel guilty, but it’s hard not to.

I’m the one who’s changed the game on him without telling him the rules. I’m the one who wants more and didn’t have the courage to just outright tell him. It's all a huge mess, and I don’t know how to deal with it.

So, instead of trying to come up with a solution for my problem, I’m scrolling through the rabbit hole known as TikTok, telling myself it’s inspiration for my blog. Video after video of people telling me what books they’re reading or authors’ teasers go by, making me add more and more books to my never ending TBR and not inspiring me at all. My eyes are twitching. I know I should stop with the screens seeing as my head is muzzy, but I don’t.

My scrolling stops when I get to an account I’m all too familiar with. Heath Hampstead FC. Jaxson’s football team. I click on the profile and scan through the newer videos to see if any of them feature a blue-eyed, dimple-popping American, and as if by magic, the third video I see has him flexing hismuscles for the camera, his dimples flirting with everyone who’s watching. Marcello’s in the gym with them, a supportive boot on his injured ankle, with Lockheart scowling in the background at Jaxson’s antics.

These men all look like gods, but I can’t shift my eyes from Jaxson. The way the sweat on his skin makes it glisten in the lights. How his jaw clenches with each bicep curl he does. Or the way his dimples pop everytime he grins. Everything about this man calls to me. I don’t care that he has a bad reputation. I don’t care that the press has it in for him. And I don’t give a fuck that he has the potential to smash my heart into smithereens. I want him.

I groan loudly and close the app down and jump up from the sofa. I grab my earbuds from the side, put some soothing music on low, and set my work station up. I will write this blog. I don’t know what about yet, but I will write it.

I didn’t write it. I got so frustrated with my lack of content, I wrote ‘I don’t know what I’m fucking doing’ over and over again on my page. I seriously considered publishing it just to show the people following me that not everyone has their shit sorted out in life, even if you think they do.

I didn’t publish it. Mainly because my mum follows my blog and would have a fit about me swearing.

My head distracted me, thumping away. The pulsing behind my eyes got too much and a full blown migraine came like I knew it would. I’ve suffered with them long enough now that I knew it was pointless trying to fight it. I needed some pain relief and to lie in a dark room. And that's what I did for most of the day.

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