Page 60 of Closer

Is she deceiving me? No. All I see is the woman I love, the woman I’d do anything for.

The woman who has the power to destroy me.

“Sebastian?” She reaches for me, but I shrink back.

“Why did you want me to take that call?”

She blinks, confusion clouding her features. “What? I… I didn’t want you to blow off your dad because of me.”

“You sure that’s all it was?”

“What are you…? I don’t understand.”

I hate myself for thinking it. But I have to know. “Were you trying to get information? About the deal?”

“Why?” She recoils. “How can you even ask me that? You know I would never do that.”

“Do I? I thought I knew a lot of things about you. But maybe I was wrong.”

“Fuck you.” Her lips tremble, and she pushes to her feet. “Fuck you for thinking I—”

I catch her wrist, yanking her to me before she can storm off. Kissing her. Trying to convey everything I can’t with words. So she knows how important she is to me. How much I need her. How much it hurts to do this.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper against her lips. “I didn’t mean—”

“Yes, you did.” She wrenches free of my grip. “You don’t trust me. You never have.”

“That’s not true.” But even as I say it, I know it’s a lie.

Because deep down, in the darkest, most broken parts of me, I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Always waiting for her to leave me because of what I did. To choose her family, to choose Jason. But I will find a way.

Because losing her? It’s not an option.

“I can’t do this.” Tears shimmer in her eyes. “I can’t keep paying for mistakes I made years ago.”

“Lil, please. Don’t go. Let’s talk about this.”

But she’s already walking away, her shoulders shaking with silent sobs.

And I’m left standing there, my chest aching and my mind reeling, wondering how the fuck I managed to screw this up so badly.

Again.

I slam my fist into the wall, pain exploding through my knuckles. But it’s nothing compared to the agony ripping through my chest.

How could I be so fucking stupid? To let my own insecurities and trust issues ruin the best thing that’s ever happened to me?

Again.

I lay my forehead against the cool plaster, squeezing my eyes shut.

I had her.

She was mine again.

The image of Lil’s tear-stained face is seared into my brain, the hurt and anger in her eyes.

I should go after her. Beg for forgiveness. Make her understand that it’s not her I don’t trust, it’s myself. My own ability to be the man she deserves.

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