Page 58 of Worth Every Risk

I married Gemma because I couldn’t face telling my mother I was having a kid with a woman I hardly knew. And I wanted to give my child stability. I failed there. We both did. Our home has never been stable. I don’t even want to think about theimpact our constant fighting, our unending unhappiness, had on Charlie as a child. Even Lucie has already witnessed too much.

For a long time, I thought we could make it work… I thought the angry, passionate sex we had might be enough. But it never was, and I was as alone while it was happening as I was when it was over. I don’t want that again.I never want that.

I stand in the doorway, willing Aries to turn and look at me. Maybe if she looks round, she might forgive me for yelling at her.

I don’t even know that I want forgiveness.

I don’t know what I want from this woman, but I know it’s…something. Whatever it is, a very deep part of me is afraid I will never get it.

When the fuck have I ever got what I wanted?

It’s ironic that my father used to say it all the time.Hawkston men always get what they want.It was his mantra, and it’s proved true for Nico. Every time I see how he looks at Kate, it pains me. He adores that woman, and she loves him just as much.

I’m happy for him, truly. But why does he get that and I get…this? A broken home, a daughter who loves the new nanny more than she loves me, and a teenage son I can’t communicate with.

I need space. I need to get the fuck out of the house. I make my way to the basement car park and get into the McLaren. But before I start the engine, I hear tapping. I look up to find Mrs Minter stooping to peer in at me through the window, which I roll down.

“Shall I start the search for a new nanny?” she asks.

My heart stutters, knocked off its normal rhythm. “Why? Has Aries spoken to you? Did she hand in her notice?”

Mrs Minter shakes her head. “No. But I heard you talking to her earlier. If you want me to let her go, I can deal with it. It’s my responsibility if it’s not working out. I thought she was just what we needed, but maybe I was wrong. There’s no reason foryou to have that stress on top of everything else. I can find a replacement from one of the agencies in a couple of days.”

I frown, gripping the steering wheel with both hands. “No. Don’t do that.”

Mrs Minter’s about to speak again when I roll up the window and start the engine, revving it unnecessarily loud. She backs away, looking only mildly put out at my abruptness.

I drive around town for hours with no aim. I make pointless business calls from the car and meaningless arrangements for next week. I check in with both my brothers, which is unusual behaviour on my part, although neither of them call me out on it.

When there are no more excuses to stay out of the house, I head for home. It’s almost seven. Lucie will be going to bed soon. I ought to be there before she falls asleep. I’m avoiding my own child, and I don’t know why.

My thoughts turn to Aries. Her face when I shouted at her… how fired up she looked at first, and that moment of tenderness when she put her hand on my arm. But the light in her eyes died as I wore her down, and refused to let her in.

I mentally run through the events of the day, from the moment I overheard Gemma abusing Aries at the picnic. Insinuating that I was sleeping with her.

At the moment, I still have the moral high ground. I haven’t touched Aries, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to. Even before I interrupted her and Gemma talking, I’d been watching her. That long glossy hair falling either side of the pale column of her neck, shimmering over her shoulders like fire. I wanted nothing more than to grab it and force her to her knees.

I shake my head. So fucking wrong to have those thoughts, then and now.

When I get into the house, I head to my office. There are a couple of emails I need to draft and send before the end of the day. But when I enter the room, the first thing I see on my desk is a mobile phone. The phone I gave Aries.

I immediately remember the words I spoke to her in this very room when I gave it to her.

If you don’t want to keep it after you leave this role, you can leave it here.

Fuck. My thoughts spin.Has she gone? Did Mrs Minter speak to her without my approval? Or did Aries leave of her own volition?

I’ve fucked up.

I grab the phone and rush up the stairs to Lucie’s bedroom. If Aries is still here, she’ll be doing the bedtime routine. I have to tell her not to leave. I can’t let her go. I don’t even want to look at why I know this for certain, but I do.

As I near the bedroom, I can hear low voices. Hope sparks in my chest like an ignition being started.She’s still here.I linger outside the door—something I seem to be doing a lot of today—and listen.

“Tell me again,” Lucie says.

I press the door open a fraction so I can get a view of them. Aries is kneeling at the side of Lucie’s bed. The warm yellow of her bedside lamp illuminates their faces. Lucie’s tucked up, clasping Aries’ hand on top of the covers.

Aries begins to recount the events of the day in a soothing tone. She goes through the details of what happened when Lucie fell into the water.

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