Page 16 of Worth Every Risk

“You don’t like men. You don’t trust them. And I don’t blame you, after your father.”

“I do like men. I—”

“Aries.” Mum cuts me off. “Liking men for sex is not the same as liking men. Respecting men. Understanding what they can bring to a relationship and your life. Love is more than that. It’s more than passion and breathlessness and orgasms that you can walk away from when the night is over. It’s feeling completed by another person. Feelingsafe. Finding someone who can be there for you when you need them. Someone you can rely on.” Mum’s sigh crackles down the line before she whispers, “I want that for you.”

An uneasy sensation that reminds me of heartburn fires up in my chest.She’s worried about dying and me being alone.“Did you have that? Love like that?”

There’s a long pause. “No.” There’s so much unspoken emotion in that one word that it feels like a weight bearing down on my shoulders. “But it’s too late for me.”

“You’re going to make me cry,” I whisper, and that lump from earlier makes a reappearance in my throat.

Mum laughs softly. “Sorry. I don’t mean to. I want to know there could be someone for you when I’m not here. That you’re at least open to it. That you might be able to build your own family. Find the Yang to your Yin.” Mum tuts and I imagine her shaking her head. “Not every man is going to be like your father.”

I’m quiet for a moment. Mum thinks this is all about Dad, but it’s not, and I can’t correct her. I know how it feels to love someone, because I love her with all my heart. But I also know that I’m going to lose her, and that feeling will be unbearable.

Why would I open myself up to more of that? Casual sex isn’t going to hurt that way, which suits me just fine.

I make an effort to roll my eyes even though she can’t see me. It’s easier to do that than to allow the meaning of her words to sink in.I can’t keep talking about this.I decide to redirect the conversation to where we began. “What did my father want when he called?”

A strained silence falls. “He wanted to know what I’d left him in my will.”

I gape. “He did not.”

“Yes, he did. Said when he left, he didn’t take all his stuff, so I owed him. I said he left twenty years ago and anything he left was long gone or garbage in the first place. And then he said, seeing as he gave me you, and you’re the best thing either of us ever did, I ought to leave him something. As a thank you.”

I clench my fist so hard that my fingernails dig into my palm. “Unbelievable. I mean, I am pretty great but I hope you told him where to stick—”

“I did. And then I hung up and sent him unconditional love.”

Her deadpan delivery has me giggling, and I cover the handset so Mum can’t hear, although I suspect she’s doing the same on the other end. Thing is, she’s also totally serious about the unconditional love.

“You should do it too,” she says. “Send him love. Forgiveness.”

“No.”

“Come on, Aries. It doesn’t mean you have to kiss and make up. You can forgive someone without ever seeing them again. Without ever telling them you forgive them. What is it I always say?”

Mum says a lot of things, but I know exactly which thing she means now, so I parrot it back at her. “Thinking negative things about other people only hurts me.”

“Exactly. All those bad thoughts going through your head have vibrations, and those vibrations are going through every cell in your body.” She doesn’t say it’ll make me sick, but I hear it as clearly as if she’d screamed it. I wonder what negativity she thinks did it for her, but the thought brings with it such an unpleasant curdling sensation in my gut that I shove it away. “It’s within your power to change that. You always have the power, Aries. Don’t forget it.”

“I won’t. I should get some sleep though. I love you.”

“Love you too, honey. Speak soon. And be open to it.”

“Open to what?”

“Having more than sex from a man.”

“Do I look like a Princess?” Lucie asks the following morning as she appreciates her reflection in the pink-framed mirror on the dressing table. She blows herself a little kiss, and the action is so adorable I want to hug her. I’ve just spent the last ten minutes plaiting her hair and pinning it on top of her head.

“You do. Come on. Let’s go. Daddy will be waiting.”

Lucie has such a bright smile, it’s infectious. But I’m too preoccupied to catch it this time, and I lead Lucie down the stairs on autopilot as my thoughts run rampant.

I’m oddly nervous at the idea of spending a day with Matt Hawkston, especially after my conversation with Mum last night. I told her I was going to sleep after we finished speaking, but instead, I cracked open my laptop and googled the shit out of my boss. It didn’t feel creepy; he’d practically ordered me to do it.

He’s one of three brothers who run the Hawkston Hotels Group, and there are over 6,000 Hawkston Hotels worldwide. Idon’t know why I never put two and two together when I read the names of my employers. Although, I’ve never stayed in a Hawkston Hotel. They’re beyond my budget. I haven’t even been inside one.

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